I went 37 years without seeing an NFL game, and after today, I'm hoping to go 37 more. Today I discovered that I'm more of a baseball kinda girl. Tony and his brother split an order of season tickets to the Redskins this year, and today was the wondrous event known as Washington vs. Buffalo.

Within minutes after exiting the shuttle bus, we were walking behind three Bills fans, and sure enough, one was wearing Zubas. Not the old zebra-striped variety, oh no. These must have been the new, reinvented Zubas. Guess what? JUST AS UGLY AS THE OLD ONES.

On the four mile walk up to our seats, we passed: a) more litter than I have ever seen in my life. Is it that hard to throw your garbage in a trash can? b) four drunk guys screaming fat slurs at an overweight guy walking up to his seat. I hate drunk people. c) Lots and lots of smokers who didn't seem to care that they were walking in a crowded area blowing their foul smoke in everyone's face.

The seats were great - we had a birds'-eye view of the entire field - but soon we found ourselves surrounded by more screaming drunk people. There were four men in front of us who were screaming and having a good time, but they were able to manage to keep it on the fun side. I didn't hear one "fuck" or "suck" or "bullshit" from them the entire time. Not that I care, but it gets old after a while. Of course all the kids around us kept turning around every time the two drunk dudes next to us yelled "Bullshit!" They were clearly enthralled with the fact that their ears were not restricted from hearing these wonderfully naughty words-o-contraband. "Bullshit" is, after all, very exciting to hear when one is ten.

After the touching tribute to Sean Taylor, the game started, and it was all over for me. Even with the annoying DJ announcer explaining every play, I have NO IDEA what the hell is happening on a football field. Run. Throw. Catch. Jump on eachother. Get up. Repeat. And what the hell is a "down" anyway? Why is it called a down and why are their four of them? Is it called a down because it ends when someone puts the ball down? I don't get it. And I didn't get to see any good pileups, which really stunk, because I couldn't make any homoerotic jokes to pass the time.

Here is what I was able to do, though, to pass the time:

1. Make annoying chewing sounds with my mouth in Tony's ear every time something happened in favor of the Bills. You can imagine how much he enjoyed that.

2. Try to make a Luna bar last an entire quarter by eating it very, very slowly in tiny bites. (Didn't work.)

3. Zip my coat up completely to the chin, cover my head with my hood and tighten it so that every breath I took fogged up my glasses. Goal: Completely obscure scoreboard. (Goal achieved!)

4. Make jokes and laugh incessantly over anything that sounded remotely like a body part or bodily function. "Cooley," "pass," and anything involving "ball" elicited the most silliness.

5. Wiggle my toes to the lyrics of some of my favorite songs.

6. Scan the crowd for anything Zubas-related. (Counted one hat and one pair of pants.)

7. Inform Tony that we could leave whenever he wanted to leave.

Surprisingly, these little activities made the time fly, and although I was glad when Tony suggested we watch the rest of the game from the concourse due to the rain, I still had a good time. After all, any time we're together, I'm happy.

I'm just more happy when we're watching football games from the couch.

Heathen that I am, you'd think I wouldn't be big on decorating for Xmas. Au contraire, mes amis. I freaking love it.

Yesterday I dragged the boxes of decorations out of the garage, loaded up Hanson's Snowed In on the iPod, and went to town. We lit up the bushes and tree in front of the house with rainbow-colored lights and then dragged our asses to Lowe's to buy a $29 pre-lit artificial tree. I expected it to be a piece of crap, which it basically is, but with some extra lights (it only came with white lights - we added some color) and ornaments all over it, it doesn't look half bad! Cute, even.

In 2003, Tony and I spent our first Christmas together. He didn't want to decorate, but I forced my holiday cheer upon him and we emerged from Target with a multi-colored tabletop tinsel tree and a handful of ornaments. This is what it looked like:

As we started hanging the ornaments, we noticed this one was a little unusual:

"Hmmmm," we thought, "Is it us, or does that angel look pregnant?"

Indeed, she did, and she sparked in us the desire to begin a holiday tradition.

Each year, while other shoppers search for the perfect gifts for their loved ones, we scour the holiday section of the stores for the most hideous, tacky, offensive/politically incorrect ornaments we can find. If they're damaged, all the better. Let's take a look at just some of the ornaments we've collected that fit this criteria:

The flying sneaker:

Um? Why? Is this the ornament for the modern-day Achilles? I don't know. All I know is it's shiny and I'm a gay man living in a straight woman's body, so I had to have it.

The three-legged iguana:

This guy has it a lot easier than some of the others on the tree.

Like this guy:

Poor thing. Looks like Santa was on the sauce again during flying practice. (Also see: shiny.)

These two reindeer need to stay away from Tylenol PM and heavy machinery:

He's supposed to be sitting on a snowmobile, but all that's left are the handlebars. Apparently he was a little too reckless because he's also missing an antler.

This guy

is supposed to be riding a motorcycle. Instead he just looks like he's pooping.

Someone's going to have to break the news to him:

It might be time to start thinking of another sport to pursue. Chess, perhaps.

There are plenty more on the tree but I'll leave you with these. From now on, just remember: whenever you see a broken ornament in a discount bin, you can cheer up, knowing there's someone out there who'll give that sad little ornament a home for Christmas.

You're probably sick of looking at pictures of our food, so I'll try to amuse you with a regular occurrence at our house - gaming phases. Since Atari and Nintendo were phased out by the Playstations and XBoxes of the world, my gaming days have dwindled. Sure, I'll play Hexic for, oh, 2 or 3 hours at a time, but I'm just no good at the kinds of games The Kids These Days are playing. Halo and Gears of War can get off my lawn.

Tony, however, LOVES these games and is damn good at them, too. Example: in a matter of two days, he finished the game "Timeshift". Twice. And if I never hear that troll guy from "Overlord" say "You choose ALL," again, it will be too soon. The thing is, you'd never actually KNOW that he enjoys these games as much as he does, and that's because of the phases of gaming. The phases of gaming go something like this:

• 1st hour: Enjoyment.
• 2nd hour: Frustration begins to build.
• 3rd hour: Screaming that the game cheats. Followed by me walking through the house, closing windows.
• 4th hour: Difficulties in game play are blamed (loudly) on poor programming and/or shitty coding.
• 5th hour: Arguments that "I'd pass through the door if the game would let me pass through the door."
• 6th hour: Threats, including snapping the game in half, throwing the game out the window, never playing the game again, getting rid of the entire gaming system.
• In extreme cases of a 7th hour, video game cases may or may not be thrown forcefully into the sofa cushions.

I know. It sounds like fun, right? We just got "Assassin's Creed" today and we're still in the 1st hour phase. If you want to come over for a gaming party, though, you'd better hurry up.

Throughout the night, the cats float around the house - eating, sleeping, and chasing fuzzballs. The minute one of us wakes up is when the Kitty Convention begins. All four cats converge upon our bedroom for complimentary petting before the official events begin. At this morning's convention, the following keynote speeches were featured:

7:00 am - Living as a Gay Cat in a Straight Cat's World: Linus
7:15 am - Stinking Up a Litterbox (And an Entire Room) in 3 Simple Steps: The Smoosh
7:30 am - Bitchiness and A Nasty Attitude Can Still Get You Treats - Ariel
7:45 am - How To Be A Bully (Even if You Have No Balls) - Emmett
8:00 am - breakfast break (translation: we got out of bed)

When we have overnight guests, KittyCon can be found in alternate locations (the guest room). Reservations and keynote topic requests can be made in the comments section of this post.

Over the last year or so, I've really gotten into Norwegian music. It started with Kurt Nilsen, and blossomed from there. (Kurt, by the way, has a new CD out as of Monday - it's called Push Push. I'll be ordering it from Norway, so if anyone wants to place an order, too, let me know and we can share the shipping costs.)

Standing in line at Whole Foods today, I overheard the people in the next aisle having a conversation with their cashier. They were from Norway, visiting the United States on a three-week tour. Of course, their English was impeccable. Shy one that I am, I butted in.

"You're from Norway?"

"Yes, we are!"

"That's cool. I love Norwegian music."

"Really?! Who do you listen to?"

"Odd Nordstoga, Kurt Nilsen, Sissel, Thomas Dybdahl." (How could I have forgotten Espen Lind?!?)

"Wow! I am very impressed. We will tell them when we go home that we met an American girl in the shopping mall who listens to our music!"

"Haha, ok! Enjoy your stay in the U.S.!"

"Thank you very much!"

How hot is that? I love thinking that Norway is so small that when this nice couple returns home, they'll just ring Kurt or Odd to tell them about "the American girl in the shopping mall." I love Norway.

The conversation on the ride home? Also hot!

"That was so funny. I love that they're going to 'let them know' about me. I love meeting new people. Especially foreigners."

"I hate people."

"Hahahahahahahaha! That's why I love you."

Here's the video for "Heim te Mor" by Odd Nordstoga.

I dare you not to tap your feet or clap along.

How lame are we? We drove to the MINI dealership today, which was closed, to see if our car had arrived on the lot. Driving down the aisle, we spotted it instantly. We opened the car doors, and jumped out, motor running, to examine the Greatest Car Ever. Oh my god, it was even better than we imagined, all bright and shiny and blue. We expected one minor screwup to occur at the factory, due to the change in model year, and it looks like that did happen, but it won't warrant a new order. Tomorrow we should be tooling around on four little British wheels by suppertime!

Do you hate junk mail as much as I do, especially catalogs? I am amazed each week at the amount of paper we recycle - paper that was unnecessary in the first place.

This website, Catalog Choice, allows you to opt out of receiving unwanted catalogs easily. I registered today. Now that my account is active, the next time I receive a catalog I don't want, all I have to do is enter my customer number and exact mailing name into my Catalog Choice account, and...bye bye catalog!

Suck it, junk mail!

As promised, I have pics from the Hanson Walk in Richmond. You can check them out here:

Hanson - The Walk in Richmond

We also uploaded one of the videos we took of Taylor addressing the crowd.

In other celebrity news, we went to see Jennifer Garner in Cyrano de Bergerac last night on Broadway. The show is still in previews, but with a short ten-week run, they have a LOT of kinks to work out of this production. Kevin Kline basically carries the whole show, and is marvelous, but one man can't carry an entire Anthony Burgess adaptation of the classic tale, y'know? At several points, when Kline wasn't on stage or speaking, I felt like I was watching a high school theater club. After one scene change, the translucent curtain got caught and the entire production had to stop for ten minutes so some crew guys could come out and fix it. Quite hilarious and a first for me. We think we even caught Jennifer Garner starting to laugh. Even with all of its missteps and faults, the audience rose to their feet for curtain call, cheering Kline's worthy performance.

And now, pictures! We hung out with the rest of the crazy loons at the stage door after the show to get a glimpse of Jennifer Garner. Had we gotten there a few minutes earlier, Tony could've gotten his Alias trading card autographed. Oh, well. Next time we go to New York, we plan to be there for more than six hours, so maybe we'll just stage door it one night after dinner with friends.

Jennifer Garner on Broadway

And while we're at it, here are the pictures of Tim Gunn from the Baltimore Book Festival. I LOVE TIM GUNN! Sorry. Got a little carried away.

Tim Gunn at the Baltimore Book Festival

Until next time!

Today we drove to Richmond to take The Walk with Hanson. Before each concert, Hanson joins fans for a one-mile walk to raise awareness and money to help fight poverty and AIDS in Africa. They've paired up with former Amazing Racer Blake Mycoskie, who created TOMS Shoes. When you buy one pair of TOMS shoes, another pair is donated to a child in poverty. Hanson is going to deliver shoes from The Walk Tour to children in South Africa.

The fact that Hanson is willing to brave a couple hundred pushy fans nearly every day on this walk is a testament to their dedication to the cause. All along the walk, Taylor stopped periodically to remind people that global problems like AIDS and poverty aren't as insurmountable as they seem. Simple acts, like walking a mile, giving a child a pair of shoes, buying a CD, or volunteering for a few hours a week in one's own community are ways to make a difference. It may seem like a drop in a bucket, but that one drop stops the bucket from being empty - instantly.

Philanthropy and puppies aside, walking with Hanson was one of the most entertaining experiences of my life. I saw a girl sneak up behind Isaac and run her hand down his entire back. Creepy! I saw two girls running, sweat pouring down their faces, to get next to Taylor, who by the way, has chest hair. Taylor! Has chest hair! WTF!?! I also saw enough muffin tops to last me a lifetime. Girls, girls, girls. Take my advice. I, too, have curves. Low rise jeans were not made for us. Stop wearing them. You can be adorable without your entire ass hanging out. I promise.

At one point, I found myself serendipitously walking next to Ike. He asked where folks were from, so I chimed in.

"We're from DC," I said.

"Oh, cool. And you guys are from? Richmond, cool. Wow, you guys are all the way from Arizona? We definitely have full geographical representation here today!"

"I think we're the oldest people here who aren't supervising a minor."

"Ha ha!" Ike laughed. "How old are you guys?"

"I'm 37 and he's 34. We represent the over-30 fan base," I said.

"Cool! I'm getting pretty close to 30 myself," Ike said.

"Welcome to the club," I replied.

I asked him how he was feeling after a recent health scare that I'd read about in the news. Ike has a rare condition that makes him prone to blood clots, which can be extremely serious and definitely quite scary. He said it was a good thing he was in good health, and I replied that I hoped it didn't happen again. Then someone pushed me out of the way and that was the end of that. Too bad I didn't have time to tell him how much I loved their interview and performance on a recent Howard Stern show. Or run my hand down his back. NOT!

I did end up walking right behind Taylor and Zac at one point and I couldn't help but fixate on how alike they look from the back. They have the same exact incredible head of hair. Seriously, it's a crime that two married dudes should have such good hair. My examination of their follicles came to a halt when a young girl, about 11 or 12 years old, tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could walk in front of me."

"NO!" I said jokingly. She looked horrified. "Of course you can!" I told her, and let her scoot ahead.

As the walk came to an end, Taylor, Zac and Isaac hung back to sign autographs and pose for photos while people purchased TOMS shoes and chatted them up. We didn't get a chance to get up to them before they had to head back to the tour bus and prepare for the evening show, but it was nice to see them interact with fans. They seem like a genuinely nice bunch of guys with good priorities and even better intentions in this life. I couldn't help but feel encouraged by this. Hanson warms my cold, cynical heart.

(We took a ton of pictures, including some closeups that will make the younger Hanson fan swoon and keel over, so I'll post a link to the flickr set once I have them up.)

This was the scene across the street as I returned home from work yesterday...

A mother is walking down the street with her toddler son in hand. Her older son, probably four years old, runs on ahead, toward the intersection with the stop sign that 9 out of 10 drivers in this neighborhood ignore.

"Finn. Finn. Stop, Finn. Finn. Mommy said stop. Mommy said stop, Finn. Finn, stop. Mommy said stop. Stop, Finn."

Finn runs on ahead, ignoring his mother's sing-song commands.

"Finn, stop. Stop, Finn. Finn. Finn. Mommy said stop. Finn, Mommy said stop. Finn, I'm counting. One...two...three."

Finn stops.

"Thank you, Finn."

Before she can get the last word of that sentence out, Finn books on down the street, and the whole thing starts all over again. Finn, stop. Mommy said stop. Stop, Finn. Mommy said stop. Mommy said stop, Finn.

It took every ounce of self-restraint within me not to run across the street, grab Finn by the arm and yell, "JESUS CHRIST, FINN, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. SHE SAID STOP, NOW STOP!"

This scene was the cherry on the sundae of wonderfulness that I observed at work with a few kids who are learning from home that they aren't responsible for their own actions, that everything is always the result of external forces, and that mommy and daddy will fix it all.

What is this generation of children learning? Stop means run, counting disguises empty threats, it's not your fault. I'm not saying parenting is easy or that every parent has to make the "right" decisions all the time, but what the hell happened to common sense? Did your parents send you to school with a note every time you didn't do your homework on time? Did they demand to move you to another classroom because you weren't placed in a class with the friends you wanted? Did they teach you to blame the kid whose ANSWER YOU COPIED when the teacher points out an incorrect answer on your math paper? With the exception of extenuating circumstances, I highly doubt it. They probably taught you to suck it up and deal with the consequences that you deserved.

I'm encouraged by people like my brother and his wife who are teaching my nephew Alex the meaning of the word "no." Guess what? His self-esteem is just fine. In fact, he's one of the happiest, most well-adjusted kids I've ever seen in the twenty-one years I've worked with children. Like any child, he's curious about the world around him and tests his boundaries. When he goes too far, Jim and Kelly let him know. And he understands. He even says the words "I'm sorry," unsolicited.

So, give me your thoughts: How did we get to StopFinnMommysaidstopMommysaidstopFinnStopFinnMommysaidStop?

So I'm a snot who gets a new car every few years. So what? The truth is, I've been leasing cars for the last several years because I don't particularly care about cars and therefore do not maintain them very well. "You mean there's a reason behind tire rotation? I thought it was just a money-making scam." See what I mean?

While it may appear that my new car habit is a direct result of some Veruca Salt-ish foot stamping and whining, that's really not the case. If I didn't drive around in a fairly new automobile, it's likely that I'd be standing on the side of the road, flagging down police cars. (There's a good chance my cell phone battery would also be dead.) So, I've been leasing.

A little less than three years ago, I turned in my leased VW Passat and leased a new VW Jetta. Leasing seemed like the perfect option for me. While I realize it's not in the consumer's best interest, I don't really care. I get to drive around in a warrantied vehicle which requires little to no maintenance, and my monthly payment is lower. And it worked well until we moved out to Kingdom Come, and I started putting 60 miles per day on my car. It's pretty safe to assume I wasn't going to stay within my miles limits on the Jetta.

I was going to lose money, no matter what, to the tune of around 1500 to 2000 dollars, depending on how many miles over my limit I went. I didn't put any money down on the Jetta, so I decided to chalk the whole thing up as a learning experience and eat the loss. Yesterday, we went shopping.

Shopping turned to buying. Impulse control is not my best quality, so I walked onto the VW lot, saw a black 2008 Jetta and said, "That's my new car." Tony, who is much more analytical and thoughtful, reined me in temporarily and helped me weigh the pros and cons of this hasty decision. Thank god for him, or I'd have to dedicate a room in our house just for As Seen On TV crap.

We ended up driving home in the black Jetta, somewhat to Tony's dismay, because the interior of the car is like a camel-beige color, which he hates. I believe the word he and his twin brother John used to describe this combination was "ASS." Yes, yes it was. When I said, "I don't understand why you guys don't like this combination," the reply was, "Because it's ASS."

The most hysterical thing is that I still have the old Jetta. I'm selling it to CarMax on Monday. The next two days will most definitely be the only time in my life I will EVER have two cars. I feel like a temporary yuppie.

Today was hotness times infinity. My friend Jen and I drove to the Baltimore Book Festival to see Tim Gunn speak and attend his booksigning. The day seemed innocuous enough as we visited display booth after display booth, with jazz music sung by a large woman with plum hair in a matching plum dress as the soundtrack.

We sat down in the Literary Salon about an hour before Tim was to take the stage. We were early enough to hear ABC correspondent Martha Raddatz speak about her book, The Long Road Home, in which she describes a 48-hour period of time in Sadr City, Iraq. She spoke eloquently about the effects of this war on the soldiers and their families, focusing on the emotional rather than the political aspects of battle. Martha Raddatz was an unexpected and fortunate surprise.

Toward the tail end of Martha's speech, the Gunnites began hovering around the tent. Thankfully, we'd procured a decent aisle seat and decided not to attempt anything closer. A wise decision, considering the swarm that followed Raddatz' exit from the stage.

Tim's speech was exactly what I'd expected - engaging, charming, funny, and completely unpretentious. He was genuinely flabbergasted by the number of people who showed up, saying that this was the largest crowd he'd ever spoken before. He talked about the trials and tribulations of writing a book while working as Dean at Parsons, and discussed the book's journey from print to screen, as the impetus for his newest show on Bravo, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style.

Tim shared amusing anecdotes about some television moments that never made the air, including a dressing room exchange between himself and a frustrated client on his new show (he basically told her that if the show wasn't working for her, and she wasn't having any fun, they could just pack up and go home - he can't want her to succeed more than she does!), and another involving a moment on the season 2 reunion show for Project Runway (the curse word heard 'round the world was the start of a revolution - or at least two phone calls - one from mom and one from Bravo's director, offering him the opportunity to create a show based on his unique personality and perspective).

The Q&A that followed Tim's speech gave us some very interesting nuggets, including updates and opinions about some of Runway's past contestants (He used the word "infantilize" at this point, which was thrilling for us. One thing we love about Tim is his exquisite vocabulary.), hints about the upcoming season, and fun trivia tidbits that I'd never known before. Did you know one season of Project Runway is filmed in thirty consecutive days? I didn't! No wonder he said they all needed a hospital gurney around day 25. Tim also shared fashion tips with curious audience members, and he didn't miss a beat when asked for advice on too-short tunics, best ways to dress a boo-tay, and finding petite clothing that's not juvenile.

The audience cheered, and then ran outside to queue up for the booksigning. We stood in line for about an hour and as we approached, I began to shake. I knew that the inevitable was coming. My articulate, composed self was about to be overtaken by my starstruck, blathering self. It was only a matter of time before my Hyde usurped my Jekyll.

Sure enough, it happened. But what resulted made all of my foolish idiocy worthwhile. The conversation that follows is an accurate representation of the exchange I had with Tim Gunn, but as you read it, please know that I was talking a mile a minute, and gesturing wildly throughout.

Tim: Hello! Thank you for coming out today! (looks at sticky note on book cover) Are you Danielle?

Me: Yes, I am.

Tim: (begins signing book)

Me: I have to tell you. I bought your book because I am such a huge Project Runway fan, but I never expected it to inspire a fashion awakening in me. (Yes, I really did say this.) So I want to thank you for this.

Tim: ( looks up at me)

Me: See, I hate to shop. I hate shopping for clothes. For as long as I can remember, I've shopped like this: find one thing that looks decent on me and buy it in every single color available. But then I read your book and you made it seem so easy with the ten essential items every woman should own.

Now pay attention, because here comes the good part.

Me: So I've set a goal for myself. I'm turning 38 in January and before that happens, I want to use your list to create a new, grown up wardrobe for myself.

Tim: (looks up again, this time over the frames of his glasses, at me) What? No! You are not turning 38!

Me: (flipping my hair and acting like a total idiot) Yes, yes I am!

Tim: (hand to chest) I can't believe it! What are you doing?

Me: Uh, not having children?

Tim: What are you doing? Are you bathing in blood every night? ( laughs)

Me: ( after the most fabulous comment in the world goes right over my head) It's my Sicilian grandmother's genes...

Tim: Well, Danielle, if you start with the ten essentials, you will build the foundation for a wardrobe that will last a very long time!

I don't remember anything he said after this, I was so completely in awe that Tim Gunn said I didn't look my age, everything else is a blur. I just remember leaning in for a picture, and shaking Tim's hand as he thanked us again for coming out to see him. I took my book and camera and walked away while Tim snapped a photo with Jen.

Thank god Jen was with me today, because she was able to decipher my inarticulate mumbo-jumbo.

Jen: OH MY GOD! TIM GUNN ASKED IF YOU BATHE IN BLOOD EVERY NIGHT! THAT IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!

Me: What? He did? Oh my god, what did he say?!

Jen: You told him how old you are and he asked if you bathe in blood! I bet no one else can say Tim Gunn has asked them if they bathe in blood! I bet you're the only one!

Me: Hahahahaha! Do you think?

This is where Jen exudes awesomeness that cannot possibly be measured or explained...

Jen: Yeah! As soon as he said that to you, I was like, that's a Bathory reference?

Me: (fascinated and intrigued ) What's that?!

Jen: Elizabeth Bathory was this Hungarian princess. The legend is that one day she was angry and bitch-slapped one of her maids-in-waiting so hard that she drew blood. The blood landed on her face, and when she looked at herself, she thought she looked younger. So from that day on she began summoning her servants to collect the blood from young girls for her blood baths.

Me: Oh my god! I love that you know this story! You are a walking encyclopedia of cool knowledge! AHAHAHAHA! Tim Gunn asked me if I bathed in blood! AHAHAHAHA!

Jen: AHAHAHAHAHA! Tim Gunn asked you if you bathed in blood! AHAHAHAHAHA!

For the rest of the night, Jen and I repeated Tim's question to me about fifty million times. And we had plenty of time to do this, because on the way back from Baltimore, I ran over something in the road, which caused my rear passenger tire to explode and reduce to a pile of dust.

We sat on the shoulder of I-95 waiting for roadside service. First, the Maryland Transportation Authority and a state trooper came by and tried to help us. We discovered at this time that my car has anti-theft tires which means there's some special little tool required to remove the wheel. Called VW Roadside. That guy came out. No special little tool. We searched the car, to no avail. Our tender adventure became the adventure of a lifetime when Jake, the tow-truck guy, came to our rescue.

Jake was awesome. He put the car on his light-duty flatbed and let us ride up front with him back to the VW dealership in Virginia, where Tony was picking us up. Before we left, he asked me if I had the tools to change the tire, because he could take care of it before we left for the 45-mile drive. I assured him we had searched the car several times, and there were no special anti-theft tire-changing tools to be found. (ahem)

For the next forty minutes, Jake entertained us with stories about his wife, daughters, and grandson, as well as some of his more memorable moments as a tow-truck driving accomplice in undercover police stings. He talked and he talked and he talked and we bounced on the seat next to him, laughing when he mentioned how fast the ride went with such good conversation to pass the time. We pulled into the dealership parking lot.

Tony opened the trunk and within five seconds, procured the very tools that would have allowed the tire to be fixed more than two hours before. I tried to pass the blame off on the two roadside assistance dudes who searched the car with me, but Jake wasn't buying it, and kept shooting me knowing looks. He stuck around to change my tire, even though he didn't have to, and in spite of the fact that his wife waiting at home, keeping his supper warm.

We gave Jake a wad of cash to thank him for his trouble, and it's a good thing, because this is what we heard on his walkie-talkie cell as we pulled away:

Wife: Where you at?
Jake: Virginia.
Wife: WHERE?
Jake: Virginia.
Wife: Well, we got an issue here.
Jake: Yeah? What?
Wife: SLIM CALLED, AND HE WANTS HIS MONEY NOW!

OMG. Who was Slim and what did Jake owe him money for? We didn't wait around to find out. We gave a final wave of thanks to our hero, and headed out into the night.

After all, I needed to get home before my blood bath got cold.

This is my favorite Hanson song. I'm in this crowd somewhere singing at the tops of my lungs.

Reminder: I am 37.

After months of deliberation and drooling, we finally broke down and added this little guy to our collection of Stuff We Absolutely Do Not Need But Want Really Really Like A Lot:

Apparently when you become a MINI owner, it is customary to name the car, so I'll let you know when we decide on a name for him. Right now all we know is that he's definitely a boy.

Is there any week of the year more exciting than this one? No, it's not my birthday. I'd be lamenting and whining instead. No, this week is a glorious one because teevee returns!

We watched a bunch of pilots On Demand this week (Bionic Woman, Journeyman, Chuck) and I'm happy to say that the new fall lineup looks promising. I was a teensy bit disappointed in the Bionic Woman episode, but I think it's only because my expectations were so high. And I'm so used to Michelle Ryan's British accent that it seemed like she was having some trouble acting around the American accent. Then again, how many people can replicate an American accent as well as Hugh Laurie? I'm giving Bionic Woman time, because it has just enough of the Alias-meets-XFiles factor to keep me interested.

I'm already missing The Amazing Race, but the recent Emmy win gives me great hope for the show's future. It's wonderful to see the best show on television get the recognition it deserves.

In other news, I'm on a huge Broadway kick of late. After we saw Rent with original cast members Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp, I can't get enough of the stuff. I'm especially addicted to this horrible song from Legally Blonde: The Musical called "Omigod You Guys." It's probably the worst song (and show) ever written, but I can't stop singing it. At the tops of my lungs. All day and night. Also in heavy rotation are YouTube videos from Spring Awakening and Wicked.

My school year is off to a great start, but I'm swamped with work right now. That's typical for this time of year, but it's a good kind of busy. I could do without the alarm going off at 5:30 every morning, but such is life.

In between work and tv and my new fun writing gig, my JoeParadox friends and I are in the beginning stages of organizing an elementary school reunion. It'll be 25 years this spring that we 'graduated' from eighth grade, so the timing seemed right. We went to a small private Catholic school - the kind of school that only has one class for every grade level. For eight years we saw the same faces every day of the week. We took camping trips together, shared many "firsts" together, and I can't speak for the rest, but these people are a huge part of my personal history. For years, Kelsey, Sheri, Seana, Rebecca and I wondered what happened to many of the childhood friends with whom we lost touch, so we decided to do something about that.

Hmmm, what else? I'm going to a Tim Gunn booksigning next week (eeee!), we're planning a trip home to Buffalo to see my family, and we have tickets to see Jennifer Garner in Cyrano de Bergerac on Broadway in October. What's new with you?

These people are all YOUNGER than I am…how is that even possible?

Queen Latifah
Vince Vaughn
Uma Thurman
J-Lo
M. Night Shyamalan
Giada deLaurentis
Ethan Hawke (who looks 100)
Kid Rock (holy shit!)
Mary J. Blige
Ewan McGregor
Tom Green
Lance Armstrong
Denise Richards
Ricky Martin
Shaquille O’Neal
Carmen Electra
The Rock
Jenny McCarthy
Ben Affleck
Snoop Dogg
Rebecca Romjn-Whatever She Goes By Now
Dave Chappelle
Tyra Banks
Penelope Cruz
Ken Jennings (OMG)
Derek Jeter
Hilary Swank
David Beckham
Charlize Theron
Kate Winslet
Tiger Woods
Colin Farrell (by more than six years!)
Taylor Hicks
Katherine Heigl (by almost nine years)
Heath Ledger
Venus Williams
Paris Hilton (by over 11 years)
Beyonce
Kirsten Dunst (by more than 12 years)
Keira Knigtley (by 15 friggin’ years!)

I don’t know, people. Do I have a totally twisted sense of how old I look? I mean, I know I don’t look as young as Paris Hilton or Diana DeGarmo (who, by the way, was born the year I graduated from high school), but I am pretty sure I don’t look as old as Kid Rock or even Penelope Cruz. I’m ok with getting older (sort of…not really) but fame really does age a person, doesn’t it? Except in the case of Ken Jennings, who I think started looking 40 when he was about 15. Also, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me totally happy that Kirsten Dunst looks worse than my 93 year old grandmother on her best day, and she was born the year I completed eighth grade.

We took the cats in this week for annual checkups. We asked our vet what we might do to curb Emmett's overall assholery - he relentlessly chases Linus at every available opportunity, and squeezes his enormous seventeen-and-a-half-pound frame under the bed to get at The Smoosh. One minute he's a cuddly mess, curled up in our laps purring, and the next, he's awful and a huge source of stress for the other cats.

The vet suggested we get a harness and leash, and take him out for walks to help expend some of his excess energy. We're willing to try whatever it takes for a modicum of peace with this cat, so off I went to the pet store today for a black pawprint harness and matching black leash.

After a slight struggle with the harness, we leashed him up and tried to get him outside. On any other day, he would be poking his fat head through the door, trying to sneak out, but not today. Today he flopped down on his side and tried to chew off the leash and harness. So we carried him out.

We put him down on the porch and he flopped back on his side. After several minutes, he decided he was ready to sniff a holly bush. More flopping. We carried him to the sidewalk. At that very moment, three or four cars drove by, staring at us through the windows. Yes, we are "those people" - the ones who walk their cat on a leash! That's us! The crazy cat people! Don't stare at us too long or you'll turn to stone! Boogedy boogedy!

Emmett still wanted nothing to do with the great suburban outdoors, so I picked him up and walked with him. I'm not sure what I was thinking at this point. Would he suddenly become inspired by the scenic views of rows of identical townhouses and leap from my arms, eager to walk briskly down the street to see what the world had to offer a simple cat? I was probably saying stupid shit like, "See! See the big cars and the houses! And what's that? A mailbox! Let's go see the mailbox!' but I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

We walked back to the house and upon returning to the porch, Emmett found his first burst of bravery. It was the funniest g.d. thing I have seen in quite some time. In stealth position, he would crawl, belly to the ground, about two feet, and then flop over to his side. Ten seconds later, same thing. And again and again until he managed to make it three houses down the street! Victory! A few bugs inspired him to leap off the ground, straight up into the air, but then...immediately back to stealth mode. It started to rain at this point, and he was confused and irritated by the droplets, so we brought him in.

So far tonight, we've had no chasing, no hunting, no jackass behavior from him in general. Hopefully the fresh air, exercise, and change of scenery each night will help calm him down and keep him from bullying the other cats so much. And if not, we'll just be content in our role as "the crazy neighbors who walk their cat on a leash."

Phase One

I don't even want to know what it's going to look like around the door frames when I finish painting and remove the tape. The door casings have a LOT of nooks and crannies. Eek!

Who needs weekends filled up by parties, clubs, and socializing? It all seems so empty and pointless when this is the alternative:

We recorded Jekyll so we could finish watching the first season of Extras on DVD. After Extras, Tony played a little Madden '08 while I created color palettes on the Internets. We stayed up past our usual ten o'clock bedtime and hit the sack around midnight. Jekyll was replaying on BBCAmerica, so we switched it on. About halfway through, we heard The Smoosh go into her litterbox for her evening...constitutional. The foul stench took seconds to waft its way into our bedroom from the adjacent bathroom. We knew this meant an ugly situation was at hand.

She was in the middle of cleaning herself when Tony picked her up to survey the damage, and it was worse than we expected. For starters, she had a huge poop clump hanging from her haunches. Worse, though, was the fact that she managed to smear poop all over her mane while she was cleaning herself. Tony held her still while I cut the poop from both areas with scissors and cleaned her up, gagging the whole time. And I missed 15 minutes of Jekyll!

Now don’t you wish your weekend was as exciting as that?

My mother teases me about the odd childhood habits I brought with me into adulthood. I hate to clean, but will spend hours organizing small spaces. In childhood, it would take me mere minutes to shove a week's worth of mess under my bed, but hours to catalogue and re-catalogue my record or book collections. Today, I can spend a weekend organizing a closet to hold our volumes of memorabilia, but can't be bothered to put a tape measure back in the toolbox. And that very tape measure is what's preventing me from starting my latest home-improvement-on-the-cheap project.

Look, if you come to my house, be prepared to see a dust bunny or four rolling across the floor. Don't sit on any upholstered surfaces unless you are okay with a few cat hairs on your clothing, and we don't have a basement, so you're going to see the litterboxes. So we're not the greatest housekeepers on the planet, but I do like our house. We're not fancy and we don't spend a lot of money on our stuff, but we've managed to create really fun, colorful rooms in our home that you definitely won't find in a magazine or a storefront, but definitely reflect us and our interests.

We started with our office - The Hokie Room - as an homage to Tony's alma mater, Virginia Tech.

Then we moved on to The Neon Bathroom. Tony picked the color, and I'll admit that I was skeptical at first. As soon as we slapped that paint on the wall, though, I was hooked. I think it's my favorite room in the house.

Next came the more subtle living room. The paint color is called "Hopsack," but of course it took us about ten minutes to filthify that lovely name and change it into "Nutsack." Accurate? No. Funny? Absolutely. Especially when you're standing in Home Depot asking for another gallon, trying to remember the actual name of the paint you need.

After a year of dealing with plumbing problems and torn-up drywall, we were able to finish the red hallway and yellow kitchen. Framed posters of our favorite movies, musicians and television shows, along with a portion of our collection of records from the 80s cover the walls - our version of art. Now that our main floor is pretty much done (although I'm sure the acquisition of more posters is inevitable), I'm itching to work on two more rooms: the rec room on the ground floor of our townhouse, and the guest bedroom. I'm starting with the latter.

I've been known to burst into song on occasion, thanks to my penchant for Broadway musicals. Packrat that I am, I've saved almost every playbill from every show I've seen, on Broadway and elsewhere. I still have the program from the first musical I'd ever attended - Annie, at Shea's Buffalo Theater - a special birthday gift from my Aunt Ro. I'm sure la-de-da designers would scoff at me for this, but I love a room with a theme. (So suck it, designers and pretentious people!) So here's my plan and my palette, but I need some input from you guys! Help a sistah out!

This is the color palette for the room:

I'm going to paint the room with the pale green.

Around all four walls (including across doors), I'm going to paint a wide stripe in the dark pink. All of the framed playbills are going to hang inside that stripe.

The back wall of the room is going to be painted in stripes of varying widths with the wall color and the remaining colors in the palette (including the wide dark pink stripe).

Stark white bedding, colorful pillows, blah blah blah...

Ok, so there are two things I can't decide...

1. Should I paint the closet doors and the back of the bedroom door the pale green of the walls or leave them in the off-white? (Either way they're going to have the pink stripe, I just can't decide on the background color.)

2. Should I leave the ceiling off-white, or paint it? If 'paint it', which color?

I'm going to go make some summer rolls now, but when I get back, I want answers, dammit! Just kidding, I'll appreciate any comments or suggestions you give me. I'll post pictures of all our fun rooms soon, too!

(Don't forget if you have trouble leaving a comment to make sure you've answered the spam-prevention question at the bottom of the comment form!)

Thanks a bunch!

ETA: I forgot to add that my new addiction is the ColourLovers website. You can go to my Colourlovers page to see my obsession in action. My goal is to create color palettes of all my favorite albums from the 80s. Yes, I am lame that way.

want vegan jello
hmmm. orange or raspberry?
let's make raspberry

set up overnight
today, ready for eating
tony had a bowl

oops, look at the box
beet powder makes red color
tony can't have that!

allergic to beets
makes him really jittery
what will happen now?

tony starts to talk
very fast. makes no damn sense.
running around, too

he acts just like me
after i have had eight cokes
beet powder is bad!

let's go for a ride
maybe side effects will fade
if we go somewhere

uh oh what is this?
HOA is warning us
can't leave trash can out

all of our neighbors
have warning tickets on cans
must put them inside

tony has a fit!
calls the HOA on phone
screaming and yelling

HOW ABOUT INSTEAD
OF GIVING US DUMB TICKETS
MOW THE FREAKING GRASS!

WHY DO I PAY YOU
MONEY EVERY SINGLE MONTH
NOT TO DO YOUR JOB?

on and on it went
for over twenty minutes
screaming on the phone

i got on my phone
called tony's twin brother john
so he could listen

ha ha ha ha ha!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
ha ha ha ha ha!

we had a good laugh
while the screaming continued
at the HOA

beet powder wore off
civilized conversation
began to appear

john and i got bored
not funny without screaming
we hung up our phones

today, we learned this:
nothing with beets for tony
unless we need laughs.

Tony stayed home this weekend to nurse Ariel, who is suffering through her first-ever UTI. Poor guy, this kitty has never been sick before, and she's not the easiest of patients, especially when he's trying to stick a digital thermometer in her butthole or an antibiotic tablet down her throat. While he took care of her many orifices, I was off gallivanting in New York City with five of my best childhood friends, commonly known as JoeParadox.

Friday night we gathered at The Slaughtered Lamb - an homage to one of our favorite movies, An American Werewolf in London. The incessant group laughter began there on the patio and continued through Sunday, where we headed back to our individual lives and families. Hoarder of nostalgia that I am, everyone was able to select their favorite Police pin from the collection that once graced my well-worn jean jacket for a decade beginning in 1982. Pins in place, we headed over to Madison Square Garden for the event we'd been waiting for since 1984: The Police reunion concert.

Through a series of serendipitous events and connections, a very generous editor at New York Magazine's entertainment blog, Vulture, let me take a crack at reviewing the show. This was my first foray into the pro-blogging world, and I learned, among other things, that editors are incredibly skilled at making amateur writers sound really, really good in print. You can read the article here, if you're so inclined: Sting Still Can't Play Well With Others.

The Police concert was everything we'd hoped it would be - a giant karaoke show of all our favorite songs, save "Spirits in the Material World." Bastages. We skipped into the pouring rain on Seventh Avenue, singing the chorus to Regatta de Blanc, before heading into the West Village for a nightcap of ice water - at our ages, we weren't used to jumping up and down for two hours straight, let alone staying up past 11 o'clock at night.

The next day we had a fantastic brunch at Seana's apartment before heading to the Met for a couple of hours. We were joined by two of JP's six husbands/boyfriends and two of the six total kids in our bunch. A subway ride and a street festival preceded the final event of the weekend: dinner in Tribeca. Despite the restaurant's trendy location, we didn't spot any celebrities, but we were so rapt in conversation, some might have brushed up against us walking down Hudson Street and we wouldn't have noticed.

~ Finished Harry Potter. OMG.
~ Spent weekend with friends in Columbus.
~ went to Clay Aiken concert,
~ went to Showtunes night,
~ laughed until my face ached.
~ ADDICTED to Rock of Love.
~ Parents came to visit.
~ Got Hanson tickets! WOO~
~ Going to see The Police on Friday. FRIDAY!
~ New movie quiz coming up soon!

How you?

On Saturday's "Confessions of a Matchmaker," one of the dating dudes started a sentence with "If I were's to..." Were's. And he wonders why he has trouble getting dates. Patti Novak, however, continues to rock with statements like, "You can get out there and take a chance or you can continue to suck your thumb!" Love her!

***

My two-and-a-half year old nephew is obsessed with The Presidents. For a few fleeting moments (whew), his favorite President was George Bush. Currently? Rutherford B. Hayes, whose name comes out sounding more like Rubber B. Hayes. Now he thinks everyone with a beard is Rubber B. Hayes. The other night, on the phone, my brother asked him:

"Who's the president?"

"George Bush HAYES!"

Heh. The kid is funny.

***

If you've met my parents - who, I should mention, have been married for decades to each other and no one else - you know that they are two of the most hysterical people in the world who often find themselves in the most unintentionally funny situations. Like the other day, when they went to the Cadillac dealership to look at cars. There was some sign posted about a "GM deal," so my dad inquired.

Dad: "How do you get the GM deal?"

Salesman: "You have to be a GM employee or related to a GM employee."

Mom (to dad): "Oh, well, what about your ex-wife?"

Dad: *confusion and disbelief*

My mom was born with the gene that prevents her from buying anything that is not on sale. If a sale is available, but does not apply to her purchase, she will try to figure out a way to MAKE it apply to her purchase, as evidenced here.

They didn't purchase a Cadillac.

When I am at the computer for long periods of time, my eyelids feel sweaty. And then I need to take a shower.

Summer vacation has officially begun and I am already officially bored! Which means lots and lots of blog entries!

True to form, I spent the first eight months of the school year maintaining a nice, steady pace with my life and the final month in complete whirlwind mode. In the last four weeks, we had hardwood floors installed in the main level of our house, which meant moving every bit of furniture to the upper and lower levels, only to put it all back and clean up less than 24 hours before my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my nephew came to visit for five days. I finished report cards, piles of paperwork, put the finishing touches on the performances of the school musical that I directed, and got my hair cut. I'm tired just typing it all out.

The five days that my family visited made all of the craziness worthwhile, because my two-and-a-half year old nephew entertained us non-stop with his antics. The child is hysterical. Living so far away, I don't get to see him as much as I would like, so I thought he would be a bit shy and reserved coming into a strange house for the first time, with his crazy loud aunt behind the door, fingers poised at the ready for some serious cheek-squeezing. Nope.

He barged through the front door, demanding to see the four cats, and calling for them by number in his signature lilt:

"WHERE NUMBER ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE? WANNA SEE NUMBER TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHERE NUMBER THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? WANNA SEE NUMBER FOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR!'

Once he had seen them all, he started cloning Emmett and The Smoosh as Numbers Five and Six, before he came to the realization that Five and Three were the same cat, as were Four and Six. This led him to begin to try to herd them all into one room, so he could point at them and greet them as only our family welcomes others. With screaming.

Alex was particularly enamored with The Smoosh, probably because she spent a good deal of time under our bed, deflecting the frightening din coming from all areas of the house at all time. Alex banished Tony from the bedroom, "TONY GET OUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" and made it his personal challenge to lure her from beneath the bed whenever possible. My brother called me from the road on Tuesday, informing me that Alex insisted, "WANNA GO SEE SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!" about an hour before they arrived back home in New York.

There was little need for toys this weekend. Alex found great entertainment placing each morsel of cat food into the water bowl, until he discovered that dumping them all at once was much more efficient. We went through two full bags of cat food that weekend. Lesson learned? When Alex comes to Aunt Dea's house, Alex is allowed to do whatever the hell Alex wants.

While the guys took a field trip to Philadelphia on Saturday, I taught Alex the joyous game called Standing on The Pool Table and Rolling Billiard Balls While Screaming Numbers in Italian. My dad taught Alex some completely made-up version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, and soon the child was picking up billiard balls, looking at the numbers, and screaming them out in Italian before slamming them down on the slate tabletop. Smartest kid ever!

In between trips to the National Zoo, a Washington Nationals Game, playground and pool adventures, and lunches and dinners out, the entire weekend was really relaxing and laid-back. It was the first time we had guests at our house for more than one night, and definitely the first time we had filled both guest rooms with people. My mom was The Towel Fairy all weekend, supplying us with clean, fluffy towels, despite our malfunctioning dryer. We ate and talked and watched episodes of Dora The Explorer (oh, god, not Berry Hunt!) while Alex giggled and marched and called out for more bluebeyyies.

While the house today is a bit quieter without my family here, there is definitely less life in it. I'm going to continue to nag them all to move down here, or at least visit again soon, because everything is a lot more fun when we get to see it for the first time through Alex's eyes.

HOW 'BOUT COME BACK SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Well, I'll tell you...

1. The cats are having fun sliding at top speed across the new bamboo floors.

2. When trying to make a little extra money at a block sale, it's a good idea to try to prevent a tall bookcase from shattering the next-door neighbors' car window and denting their car door. In the end, we basically paid people to haul our stuff out of our driveway for us.

3. A kid said to me the other day, "You know what? You can't make someone love you, but you can stalk them until they give in." Heh.

4. American Idol held a songwriting contest and the winning song sounded EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER SONG in EVERY OTHER FINALE for the last few seasons. Idol, shark...shark, Idol.

5. All our shows are ending for the season. We may actually have to interact with society. Nah.

6. I'm ready for summer.

And you?

As many of you know, ours is a Hokie house. Today's events are such a tragedy. Words cannot begin to express the sadness I feel for the students, faculty, and families of Virginia Tech. My heart goes out to the victims and families of this senseless crime. I am so, so sorry.

Everyone go hug someone you love today.

Let me catch you up on my life...

Barney on How I Met Your Mother makes me laugh out loud.
But not as loud as the American Idol group numbers.
I miss House almost as much as I miss Lost being any good.
Thank god for Heroes, which is the best non-reality show on television.
Of course, the best show continues to be The Amazing Race. Duh.
I'm putting my money on Goil to win Top Design.
YAY! Angela Hacker won Nashville Star!
If you're not watching The Sarah Silverman Program, you are missing out on the funniest thirty minutes of television next to The Office.
Work is kicking my butt, the house is a mess, and we're happy we don't have to hear the alarm go off tomorrow morning.

So that's what's new with me. What about you?

For posterity.

1984: A Conversation Among Five Catholic High School Girls
"Sting is so hot."
"No, Andy Summers is hotter."
"Are you kidding? Stewart Copeland is the hottest."
"Yeah but Sting's songs have, like, The Odyssey in them and stuff. He talks about paradox and stuff."
"Oh, yeah, he's like Joe Paradox."
"Let's start a band and call ourselves Joe Paradox."
"Totally."

Of all my obsessions, nothing…NOTHING comes close to the one I had with The Police. And unlike the others, this one was shared by my best friends from childhood – Kelsey, Seana, Sheri, Rebecca and Sheila. We are Joe Paradox. We’ve always been Joe Paradox, and we’re always going to be Joe Paradox. Our friendship has witnessed first bras, first periods, first kisses, first weddings, first born children. And first Police concerts.

This year, we will reunite for (yet) another Police concert – a bit older, maybe a little wiser, and definitely no less goofy. God help the people sitting near us. Really.

To give you a glimpse into our ridiculousness, here’s a series of email exchanges we’ve been having since January 4. Spelling, grammar and sanity level have not been changed to protect anyone.

Enjoy. Or run. Whichever.

01.04.07 – 01.05.07

Danielle: (after finding out the Police may reunite) OMFG you guys. If they reunite, WE ARE GOING.

Rebecca: I bet they'll play a NYC date or maybe a D.C. date; big JP sleepover!!!!

Seana: FUCKING A!

Danielle: That, my friend, is the most perfect and greatest response of all time.

Kelsey: OMG! Leave it to my man Stu to put it all together! We must go and wear our sleeves full of bracelets, police tee shirts, cropped hair etc. etc. Woo Hoo!

2.07.07 – 2.10.07

Danielle: Monday, we'll know... "After weeks of speculation, a press conference and "special announcement" featuring rehearsals by the Police is set for Monday (Feb. 12) at the Whisky A Go Go in West Hollywood, Calif., the day after the band will reunite for a show-opening performance at the Grammys."

The mania begins.

Seana: FU*CKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I am already poor so what's another 2K for my Sting a ling a ding dong (pet name). And by the way, STING IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still! Even from before! Through the good times and bad! Do you think he knows? Will pick me out of the audience and take me to live in one of his 7 houses? I better lose 10 pounds! At least now I have a reason. :) Too much babble sorry AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHAH. This is, like, the greatest email of all time. Sting is totally yours and if need be, we can implement the "Trudi" plan from 1984. Damn Howard Jones - I've seen him twice in concert now, and he still ignores me.

Seana: Trudie is no more! Her days are numbered. And Jan? She is toast! Let's double date! I bet Sting and Howard would hit it off nicely. I've seen Sting 12 times since the very first concert at the Aud (yes, you all went to Toronto - I remember!!!!!!!!!) and he always ignores me - so coy, my Sting.

Sheri: If Sting is yours, then Stewart is mine!!! I remember when Kel and I saw them in Toronto and they stayed in our hotel, and we saw them at the restaurant and we were too chicken shit to go up and say anything. Seana- you probably would have jumped Sting, huh?

Seana: Would have jumped him, done him and done him again for good measure!!! :)

Kelsey: Weren't we in an ELEVATOR with them! I can't believe we passed up our chance when we had him captive in an enclosed place. And we were lookin so hot in our police tee shirts and lopsided hairdos with the orange (blond?) sun-in streaks! How could he have resisted!!!! And by the way sheri - Stu is still mine or we will have to share. How come Seana is the only one who had a member to herself. Didn't Rebecca & dedo have to share andy too??

Danielle: Rebecca can have Andy because I'm still working on Howard Jones. Also, is it wrong that I laughed at the phrase "member to herself?" How come the four of us have to share two MEMBERS? I'm so juvenile.

Rebecca: Andy is MIIIIIINE. Lay off Bioches.

Sheri: Dude- I had Stewart from the beginning. Kelsey, I suppose I could share with you, but you had that guy Tony from Spandau Ballet- he was your guy!!!! Not Stewart!!! But I suppose you could have sloppy seconds!

Kelsey: HA HA Dedo. I had the same thought regarding the MEMBERS as I was typing it. Our beevis & butthead minds will always think alike! And Sheri - thanks for reminding me. I almost forgot my man Tony.I'll have to look him up online & see if he is still alive. I have not heard hide nor hair of any spandau ballet reunion but I can always hope!

Seana snaps out of it and gets us back on track.

Seana: Ok - but seriously guys, we need to STRATEGIZE on getting these tickets! It will be tough. Frank is already setting me up to fail - telling me it wil be too hard! Ass. I may have to go and sleep outside the Garden when they go on sale..anyone game? Do you think they will do a Buffalo show? That would be the one to see - but we can also do NYC and Boston if needed - woohooo! Road trip! Let me know your thoughts.

Danielle: Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one planning on how to get tickets already. I am thinking they are going to play huge venues like the Garden, or Wembley. I'm up for a trip to London! Anyone else??? I'm betting that tickets will be extremely hard to get, so we'll have to pull out whatever stops we can to get them!

Seana: Oh London here I come!!!! :) honestly, I can get a cheaper flight to London than to Buffalo most of the time!

Sheri: You just have to pray really hard- I don't know how it happened but I managed to get those Madonna tickets. It was really stressful though. But I do think that one person needs to get all the tickets so we can sit together!!! We could also go to Toronto too! London would be cool except I am planning a mecca to see Van Morrison this summer also possibly abroad too like Ireland, England, Amsterdam of California. (That is our 10th anniversary trip!) It will be a concert summer. I do know that sometimes if you are a memeber of a fan club, they can get presale tickets before they go on sale to the public. Something to look into.

Danielle: Ooo, good thinking Sher! Fan clubs are a good idea! OMG, when you got those Madonna tix it was fate. I know that will happen for us. Toronto is a good place to converge! I bet they will totally play there. Also, I hope they don't do ticket limits. That would be ANNOYING. We WILL get tickets. I feel it.

Rebecca: Wait, hold it, stop; I am out of the loop!! Are they reallly planning a reunion tour or is this just speculation? My brother knows a bunch of shady Russian people who maybe can help. My guess is they won't be playing in Buffalo.

Danielle: Where the hell have you been??? Hahahha, kidding! There will be a press conference on Monday, and the guess is that it will be to announce the reunion tour. Don't forget to watch them on Sunday on the Grammys! HAHAHAHAHAHAH something tells me they won't be playing in Buffalo, either!!!

A new reason to flip out emerges.

Danielle: OMFG you guys. LOOK AT THIS SHIT! Win a (concert) date with The Police! FUCKING A! God damn Sting (sorry, Seana) and his overpriced fan club membership!!!!!

Seana: That's why I never joined - and you have to be "legacy" to get into this contest - so no point now - although the pics are HOT.

Danielle: Ok, one other thing...What song do you think they're gonna do tomorrow night? If they do a medley, that would be dumb. I'm guessing Every Little Thing She Does is Magic.

Seana: I think like you Deebs a montage it is! Sting likes them nowadays. But if not my money is on every breath you take

2.11.07

Danielle: (after watching the Grammys) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OMG! Greatest thing EVER!!!!!

Seana: can you frickin believe I missed it? who has the dvr version??? please save arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we were having a playdate and we did not get home until 8:11pm sigh....

Danielle: We recorded it. I will get it into a WMV file and send it to you later, but I bet you can find it now on YouTube!

2.12.07

Danielle: Tony's brother sent this to me! I hope I can use this to get tickets for NYC! (after reading email about Best Buy presale) LAME! It only lets you buy 2 tickets! LAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Sheri: Guess who is a Best Buy Rewards Zone member!!!!!! I guess buying a big ass TV does come in handy!!!!!!! I believe I can get two tickets Anyone want to go with me? What to I have to do Danielle? When? Where? How? I already know Why!

Danielle: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! I think all the directions are in that email thingie - I was too crazy over the whole thing to even read it! I'm hoping the tix go on sale soon so we can get a big block all together!

Seana: I am not a member!!! But Sting is MY member so pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Deebs or Shoe - how about a little ol ticket for your friend SW??????

Danielle: (after reading list of tour dates) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Seana: Looks like NYC or Boston or DC are good optionsI think we need to have a conference call to discuss! What do you think?

Danielle: Or all of the above. I think a conference call would be in order.

Seana: Are you guys availble for a call tomorrow night at 9pm EST???

Danielle: YES! (of course I'm available, I have no life...)

Sheri: Yes I am available. Will you call me, or do I have to call you.

Later that day

Danielle: I'm watching the webcast right now. It's a giant commercial for Best Buy. These tickets are $225!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How much of their savings did Stewart and Andy blow through????? They're gonna replay it later on www.thepolicerehearsals.com, if anyone is interested in watching. They played songs!

Seana: Deebs, I know this sounds nutty but $225 is NOTHING - I told a friend today I am prepared to go to 1K. That is so sad.

Danielle: Ok, good, then I'm not the only crazy one here. I would EASILY spend that! FRONT ROW, BABY! Seriously, if you guys get a chance to watch the webcast later, DO. It's amazing. Stewart is HILARIOUS and there is tons of banter between him and Sting. And Andy can still rock that guitar. You guys. THE POLICE!

Seana: I just listened and will replay again - Stew and Sting - at it again! :)

Sheri steps in as the voice of reason. Sheri is very good at calming Seana and I down when we are in hyper mode.

Sheri: Okay guys- breathe. Take a step back and think. Now last year at this time, I was crazy with my Madonna tickets and they were $365. $1000? You could get a car for that!!! You guys are soo funny. I am not prepared to go to $1000. Now are we bringing the guys to the concert? This should be our JP reunion- girls only!!!! Then we can worship without the guys around.

Danielle: Ok, let's decide... What shows are you all interested in? Because presale tix for Boston, NYC and Toronto go up tomorrow! Here are the best choices:
NYC in August (wed. 8/1 and fri 8/3)
Toronto on Sunday 7/22
Boston on Saturday 7/28
To be honest, I'd like to go to all of these, so we should figure out which one we all can go to. Seana, are you into going to all of the NYC shows? Because I'd be up for both of those with you (cheap seats are fine with me!).

Sheri: Any of those. I'll be the first to respond.

Later...

Danielle: I'm getting pissed at these douchebags!
Current Police Tour Fan Club members:
Enter your passcode where requested.
Not a Member Yet?
Beginning Tuesday February 13 at 12:00pm, you can purchase tickets before the general public by ordering The Police Tour Fan Club Membership during the presale as part of your ticket purchase transaction, which will cost another $100 USD ($120 CDN).
In approximately 10 business days, The Police Tour Fan Club will send you an email so that you can then activate your membership.
Who do they think they are???

Seana: ok - wait - what does this mean? does this mean that you can get tickets tomorrow for another 100$??? If so, I will pay you! I would like to attend all shows in NYC - but will settle for 1 and don't care where - but would love best possible.
wait
ok - I think we need to have this conference call tonight - 10pm perhaps????

And now the mania begins to occur over the phone between me, Seana, and Sheri. Plans are made to buy tickets for the Toronto show using the presale codes the following day at noon.

Danielle: Monkey wrench! There is no code for Toronto through Best Buy! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...We will get FOUR tickets on Wednesday through the Police fan club for Toronto. Tony does not want to go to that show so Dave won't have to come, and neither will Frank, so it can be either S/D/Se/K or S/D/Se/R. AND we can all sit together and be crazy and smoke clove cigarettes in exchange for a sip of whiskey.

That night…

Seana: FW: welcome to thepolicetour.com
I have lost my mind

Danielle: HA! Welcome to the club of crazy. I'm so manic!

Seana: I was thinking that but then we can't use best but for Toronto What about everyone comes to NYC? We can get 12 tickets between 2 best buy and 2 memberships?

2.13.07

The ticket buying analysis begins…

Seana: Ok I was thinking...What about this? 4 best buys for NYC today between you and Sheri and 8 more tickets for NYC with memberships me and Danielle tomorrow...All NYC on the Friday...NYC will be chaper because between me and Rebecca we will find places for...everyone to stay for free and if can't or won't come we can easily sell tickets...It's jp reunion 2007 with the police!!!!!! What do you think?

Followed by:

All: I will call you - Sheri at 11:30am - then we can conference in Deebs at 11:45am - and whoever else is available. We can try Rebecca. Kel and Sheila - if you want to be in on the call - email me. Thanks.

Danielle: That would work for me!

Danielle and Seana get on the phone to buy tickets.

Danielle: MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST! MY HANDS ARE SWEATING! I'M SHAKING!

Seana: ME TOO!!! I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!! NOT LEAVINBG MY DESK UNTIL YOU CALL ME :)

Danielle: (buying tickets) omg here they come

Seana: YOU ARE READY! FOR THE FLOOR!!! But seriously, there is a skip in my step today friend - what an glorious day!!!! Thanks for doing all this and for being the coolest friend ever!!!!

While Danielle and Seana are screaming and jumping around on the phone, this email from Sheri comes iin and panic ensues!

Sheri: What happened to Toronto? Have you changed the venue on me? Should I get the best buy tickets today? Is anyone going to sit with me in the $90 seats or am I going to be by my lonesome while you guys are whoopin it up in the $225 seats? That's what I get for not being home (I was grocery shopping in case we have the big "snowstorm" tomorrow.) I missed the whole thing! Fill me in.

Sheri tries to get more tickets through the Best Buy presale, but no luck.

Seana: SHERI WAS SHUT OUT OF BEST BUY Let's talk at 1pm or so today to figure out the strategy for tomorrow.

Danielle: She tole me! Yikes! I'll be in my car, so call me on my cell and we'll figure out what we will do for tomorrow. I think we will just get four tickets using a membership and go from there... We will talk later!

Seana: LOL call me as soon as possible. :)

Danielle and Seana discuss phase 2 of the ticket buying strategy and Seana fills everyone in on the plan.

Seana: Sheri and Rebecca, Here is the update. I will go on ticketmaster with my membership tomorrow and get 4 tickets ($90) for the Friday night show. Then, Sheri and Rebecca are guaranteed a seat - and we will have 2 extra tickets - either for Kel and Sheila or husbands or others etc. The membership cost was $100 - so $25 I will add to your price of $90 ok? ok? $115 total. Thanks and I will keep you posted - wish me luck tomorrow - these are some complex directions....

Sheri: I called kel and left a message about the concert and I called Sheila's cell- she was just getting into Florida, so she said she'd call me back later, but I told her about the concert and told her if she wants to go let me know. So are we not talking tonight? I told Kel about it and left the number on her answering machine, so if not I'll call her back. Let me know.

Danielle: Ha! I called Kel too and left her a message. I love this crazy shit!

Seana: I don't think we need to discuss tonight. Except perhaps for a pep talk for me so I don't screw this up...arghhhhhhhhhh Thanks.

More freakage and overanalyzing:

Danielle: I wonder if we would have a better chance at getting the tickets through this if we didn't have to log into the Police Fan Club first? We'd end up buying another membership, but it might give us a better chance because it will go faster?

Seana: Please read for me!! How To Use The ThePoliceTour.com Ticket Pre-Sale System?:
To take advantage of the current ThePoliceTour.com Ticket Pre-sale, please follow these quick steps...

The steps are not quick. There are 8 of them, and they are long and confusing.

Danielle: (unable to read directions) Ok, you got the code already, right?

Seana: No, you can't get the code until tomorrow....see below. when i go to that page and to the "fan club tickets" column - it's not active! See "Members will not receive their codes until the presales start. Please Click here and carefully read the presale instructions. " How stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danielle: OH THEY SUCK!!!!! What the hell is the point???? I would try getting the code BEFORE noon, if possible. Even keep trying periodically tonight. This is lameness!

Which sends me into a tailspin of being annoyed with everything ticket-related.

Danielle: This is especially annoying because you got the membership ahead of time, so you should be able to get the code BEFORE the people who get the membership when they order the tickets!

Danielle: Another thing I really hate is this whole Auction thing on ticketmaster. Basically they keep the best floor seats and auction them off at ridiculous prices so brokers can't get at them.

I check out the eBay sitch.

Danielle: OMG LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE THINGS ARE GOING FOR! People are also selling the passcode for the Best Buy presale! Unreal!

Seana: (copies this to her husband, who is otherwise totally awesome despite thinking we spent too much on our tix) $6,000 - they are going for on Ebay! Danielle and I rock. Thanks.

And then…

Seana: Here is a place called zen tickets is selling upper tickets for $350 and lower - kinda (but not as good as) ours for $600 - can you imagine? YOU FRIGGIN ROCK! AND I ROCK IN A SECONDARY WAY! BUT WILL ROCK IN MY OWN RIGHT TOMORROW!

Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Girl, YOU ROCK IN A TOTAL PRIMARY WAY! IF NOT FOR YOU CHEERING ME ON DURING THE TICKET BUYING PROCESS WE WOULD BE NOWHERE!

2.14.07

Danielle: I have a snow day today! So I will be fully available and in full concentration mode when we go for these g.d. tickets!

Seana: Excellent! Owen's daycare opens at 10am - so I will be drop him off and be home in time as well. Deebs - I will call you at 11:45am! :)

Danielle: Awesome! Talk to you then!

Sheri: I have snow day too! I will be home also. Call me!!! Good Luck. Pray to the Lord Jesus Our Christ and Savior and giver of The Police Tickets!!!!!

Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's a good catholic girl! :)

Sheri: Yeah, if I was Catholic!

Seana calls me at 11:30 and we begin the process of panicking.

Good news: Ticketmaster posts a message that EXISTING fan club members (aka Seana) will be able to purchase presale tickets a full 24 hours before new fan club members who want to purchase their tickets and membership simultaneously. Rock! Seana!
Bad news: Seana gets error message after error message when refreshing the fan club webpage in an effort to get the presale code.
Good news: Thanks to some quick thinking on our part, Seana and I manage to pull off buying four more tickets!

While that is happening...

Sheri: Kelsey called. She's in Miami, and she's totally in!!!!!! And there’s a good chance Sheila is in! JP REUNION! Good luck call me!

Seana and I conference call Sheri and there is much screaming. Again.

A final email goes out:

Danielle: JOE PARADOX at the POLICE! Look out NYC! God, seriously, you guys, I feel bad for anyone who has to sit by any of us.

Get ready.

This weekend we hauled our asses to NYC to audition for The World Series of Pop Culture on VH1.

Again.

And we failed the test.

Again.

So, screw them!

It was fairly interesting and fun to take part in Round One of The Big Ego Smackdown, but more fun was hanging out all weekend with our audition teammate and friend, TJ. We didn't do much besides stuff ourselves silly, watch videos at the Museum of Television and Radio and be cold, but we had a grand time nonetheless. Our friend Kim met up with us on Saturday night for dinner and regaled us with one hilarious story after another about her escapades with her ho friends.

One thing for which we have TJ to thank is the now-incessant quoting of memorable lines from these video gems:

Brenda Dickson - Welcome to My Home! (Part 1)

Brenda Dickson - Welcome to My Home! (Part 2)

From these videos, you will get Brenda's priceless tips on beauty, fashion and health.

If you don't know who Brenda Dickson is, you're missing out. I think this is all you really need to know, though...

Ostrich feathers, anyone?

Here's a tip. If want to go to a concert where the music isn't all that important to you, and you'd rather listen to incessant conversation at the bar and tables, go to the State Theater in Northern Virginia!

Actually, that's a bit unfair. Last night, which happened to be my birthday, we went to the State to see my favorite artist, Howard Jones. We'd seen Howard's acoustic show in Annapolis, so we knew up front we were in for another treat. Howard is an equally amazing performer as he is a musician. He interacts with the audience in the most fantastic way.

Unless the audience happens to be the audience at the State Theater last night. Seriously, thank god we were in the front row because if I had to be in the midst of all that talking, I would have spent the two-hour show smacking people upside their heads. And I hate violence!

It was clear to me that for the majority of these folks, there was no such thing as Howard Jones before or after Dream into Action. As soon as he broke out into "No One Is To Blame" and "Life in One Day," the Chatty Drunken Bastards perked right up to sing along!

********************************

You may remember that the last Howard Jones show I attended inspired me to deconstruct audience psychology. While this audience was populated mostly with Chatty Drunken Bastards, there are two notable additions to the original list:

1. That Guy. That guy is the guy who wears The T-Shirt to the concert. Sometimes That Guy wears an old concert t-shirt, sometimes he wears the shirt he got for "free" when he joined the Official Fan Club and became an Official Superfan. In rare (and very special) cases, That Guy wears The T-Shirt with an iron-on he made himself. Frequently, That Guy wears something under The T-Shirt, like another t-shirt or sometimes a short-sleeved button-down work shirt. That Guy is often spotted in the front row, facing the crowd. Crowd-facing is important because it a) helps him to spot other Superfans, and b) assert his place in the hierarchy of Superfans as The Most Super. And why is That Guy called That Guy? Because when you wear a shirt of the artist whose concert you are attending, other people are probably whispering behind your back, "Dude. Don't be That Guy."

2. Dancing Girls. Dancing Girls like to mosey their way up to the front of the stage over the course of the show. Their steps follow the beat of whatever song is playing, and if they don't have a drink in hand, they are probably clapping. Dancing Girls always travel in groups of two or more, and after every ten or so steps, the leader will stop, turn to her posse, and laugh as if they are all doing something quite illegal. In fact, they are not. They are merely annoying all of the people who got to the concert early enough to acquire decent seats and do not appreciate Dancing Girls standing in front of them, blocking their view. (Except maybe That Guy, who probably thinks Dancing Girls are awesome.) Dancing Girls often cross over into Loud Clappers and Caller-Outers, because their ultimate goal is to gain the attention of the artist on stage so they will then have a story to tell their friends for the next ten years.

********************************

A concert just wouldn't be the same without thes folks. Lest you think I'm above any of this, let it be known that when Howard passed by the foot of the stage to shake the hands of the people in the front row, I was the first one out of my seat, hand outstretched. And I'm going to tell that story to my friends for the next ten years.

Indeed, I am alive!

We were in New York this weekend for TARCon, only without the Con part. Thanks to my lovely (and by 'lovely,' I mean 'dumb') job, we couldn't stay to watch the finale with everyone or stick around for the post-show festivities. Fortunately, the time we did spend with our friends out-funned the few hours that we may have missed.

So get this. On Saturday morning, we met up with Amy and Michelle (longtime college friends and practically sisters to me) in the East Village. After a great breakfast together, we went our separate ways. I went to see Beauty and The Beast with Donny Osmond (who is now back in my good graces - I've discovered that I only like him when he's performing from a script. Give the man a microphone and allow him to improvise, and I cringe...). Before you laugh at my choice of show, understand that a) I went to enjoy the show in the company of good friends, and b) John Tartaglia from Avenue Q played Lumiere! Awesomeness! Tony went to visit a friend and play XBox360 games for, oh, six hours.

After the show, Monica, Lucy, Kim, Donna, MaryJo and Linda went back to their hotel to check in, chill out, and get things ready for our TARFlies lunch the next day. In all the times I had been to New York, I'd never been there at Christmastime, so I decided to walk over to Rockefeller Center to see the decorations. Holy. Crap. You know the quintessential aerial view of Times Square on New Year's Eve? That's what Rockefeller Center looked like. It was a zoo. Cops on every corner trying to direct traffic, pedestrians clamoring for an inch of coveted sidewalk. I pulled a Clark Griswold - looked at the tree for about three seconds, turned around and left. I figured I'd go back to the hotel to hang with the crew and help put goodie bags together.

On my way there, I crossed 6th Avenue. I heard a familiar voice. Directly in front of me was my friend Amy - the same friend we had breakfast with that very morning - with her friends Kelly and Stephanie. What the hell are the chances of that? And that wasn't the first time something like that has happened to me in New York City, population...A LOT. Last year when we tried out for WSOPC, we saw our friends who also auditioned drive by us on top of a double-decker tour bus as we walked down a random street in the Village. Weird!

The four of us fought our way through the throngs of people over to the French bookstore in Rockefeller Center to retrieve Michelle, which was no small feat. We headed away from the teeming hordes as quickly as our feet would allow and ended up enjoying a nice cocktail on a comfy sofa at the MOMA lounge. It was fantastic to have the unexpected extra time with them to catch up.

Saturday night we all enjoyed a terrific dinner at a Thai restaurant near restaurant row, thanks to Kim's good sleuthing. She always finds great places to eat! By then, Beth's flight had gotten in and she was there to join us for dinner. YAY! I also got to meet Meggin and her husband, (who thankfully turned us on to the gas stations of 10th Avenue, thus saving us from certain stalling in the Lincoln Tunnel), and Eron and his wife Judy.

On Sunday, we picked up a fellow TAR fan in New Jersey and headed directly to the TARflies lunch at Puglia's in Little Italy, which, as always, was fantastic. MaryJo, Donna, Lisa, Tom, Tony and I stuffed ourselves silly with gnocchi (nyah nyah, non-vegans!) and had a great time talking about everything from our cats to recipes to Britney Spears' va-jay-jay (hee, Lisa!). Monica and her elves put together a slew of goodies and prizes (Lucy won a kick-ass Phillowcase), and we all had a blast catching up and laughing with good friends. And of course, our favorite racers treated us to some extreme silliness in the form of conga lines and dancing to the soothing sounds of JORGE!

Tony remarked that as soon as Jorge! broke out with "Volare," Papa Paolo and I both immediately broke out and sang along. Duh. We're Italian. Do you think we can just sit there and do NOTHING when Volare comes on? (I was a little disappointed that the other dining room got treated to "Eh, Cumpari," but what are you gonna do?)

TAR 9's John (who we now refer to as JOHNLOWETAR9) was especially entertaining in many, many ways.

Chair on head? Check. Glass of wine nearby when refreshment is needed? Check. Calling people bitches from across the room? Check. LOVE. HIM.

We had him call Melissa from the lunch, since she has such fond memories of their encounter at TARCon 9, where John shared with her his affinity for Amish...quilts. Yeah, quilts. He programmed her number into his phone and promised to drunk dial her sometime soon. From what I understand, he was showing everyone his cocks at TARCon, so I'm a little disappointed that we missed out on that. If you want to know what I mean, you'll have to check out John's myspace!

Al, our emcee, was hilarious and declared war on the west coast TARConners, Tammy, Billy, Carissa and Kelley Gaghan were completely adorable and sweet (seriously, those kids are the nicest and most polite kids on the planet), the Paolos were a hoot (we missed Brian and DJ!), Kenny was fabulous as always (hi Pepe!), Meredith looked lovely, and I finally got to meet Andrew, who is a doll. (And I got to see my new buddy Alex again, who is a Racer friend and complete riot. Yay!)

We were all thrilled to meet our beloved young TARfly, "Tris," who at 13, has an intelligent mind and sense of humor (not to mention proper grammar and writing skills) that rival most adults. When the Sorrento Cheese Carolers (gag) came in to regale us with song, Tris broke out with, "That's worse product placement than on TAR!" Heh!

One of my fave TARFlies, TJ, gave me the most awesomest CD, like, ever. One night, we'd gotten on the topic of American Idol, and specifically, Diana DeGarmo's uncanny ability to yell "C'MON!" or "C'MON, Y'ALL!" in the middle of any song, no matter how tender or melancholy the song might be. TJ put together a brilliant compilation of Diana DeGarmo Fantasy Songs, in which she would bust out with "C'MON, Y'ALL!" at inappropriately inopportune moments. Some of my favorite selections include Metallica's "Enter Sandman," "Anarchy in the U.K.," Pearl Jam's "Jeremy," and "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot. HA! TJ's hilarious!

Let's see, what am I forgetting? I'm not putting up any of my own pictures because a) they turned out shitty and b) I look shitty in all of them. So there.

And no matter what anyone tells you (*cough*Lucy*cough*) I did NOT eat that meat!

Though we missed TARCon (*sniff*), it was a great time by all reports. Of course, most people only reported about how HOTTTTTTTT (with eight million Ts) James and Tyler are, so for all I know their judgment was clouded. Heh.

I think that covers it! The weekend was fantastic and all too short. Can't wait for TARCon11!

I kinda pride myself on being a pretty good cook, but tonight, out of sheer exhaustion, I made the most white trash dinner ever. Boca nuggets and tater tots. (hangs head in shame) Suffice it to say the entire meal could be, and was, eaten with our fingers. Sigh. I drowned my sorrows in two diet cokes, the effects of which have not kicked in yet. In about twenty minutes - poor, poor Tony. He will be dealing with me singing Norwegian pop songs at the tops of my lungs while dancing around the bedroom in my gingerbread man pajamas.

In other news, I have officially joined the gaming world. After much deliberation about which new system to purchase, Tony decided on the XBox 360. Along with this system, which features a most awesome wireless control, we also acquired a subscription to XBox Live and what I call The Nerd Helmet ™, also known as the remote headset. Tonight I proudly joined the ranks of all Gaming Nerds out there because it occurred to me while playing that I actually care about my gamer score and my achievements. My nerd cred is important to me.

We're real heathens this year. We're not decorating for Xmas.

Ok, it's not really because we're heathens. It's because we have a boatload of home improvement projects to take care of over the break, which my totally awesome dad is coming to help us with. I just can't deal with dragging out boxes of decorations, too.

So, for the past couple of years, my parents, who are insanely generous despite constant protesting on the part of me and my brother, have given us insanely generous Xmas gifts to help us with a fixer-upper project. As if that wasn't enough, my mom insists that we send her a list of what she calls "little piddly items, you know, stocking stuffers," so we "have something real to open" on Xmas day. Like the gigantic, unnecessary wads of cash aren't "real."

Because it pleases her to walk the aisles of BJ's Warehouse, Costco, and Sam's Club, today I indulged my mom by giving her our list. If it makes her happy to know we will not have to purchase Q-Tips, aluminum foil, Venus razor replacement blades, Always feminine products, ziploc bags, deodorant and socks for the next twelve months, who am I to deny her that happiness?

Too much work... check.

Not enough time in the day... check.

This sucks!

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but I haven't had any time to update. It's been so long since I wrote anything, my auto-archive function kicked in and made all my blog entries disappear from this homepage. Yikes!

Here's hoping things settle down soon...

Another vacation update.

Between Vegas and Seattle, we spent a few days exploring Vancouver. One afternoon, we visited Lynn Canyon. The landscape surrounding Vancouver is magnificent. We'd planned to go to the Capilano Suspension Bridge, but a little online research led us to Lynn Canyon, which was a) less crowded, b) less