For posterity.
1984: A Conversation Among Five Catholic High School Girls
"Sting is so hot."
"No, Andy Summers is hotter."
"Are you kidding? Stewart Copeland is the hottest."
"Yeah but Sting's songs have, like, The Odyssey in them and stuff. He talks about paradox and stuff."
"Oh, yeah, he's like Joe Paradox."
"Let's start a band and call ourselves Joe Paradox."
"Totally."
Of all my obsessions, nothing…NOTHING comes close to the one I had with The Police. And unlike the others, this one was shared by my best friends from childhood – Kelsey, Seana, Sheri, Rebecca and Sheila. We are Joe Paradox. We’ve always been Joe Paradox, and we’re always going to be Joe Paradox. Our friendship has witnessed first bras, first periods, first kisses, first weddings, first born children. And first Police concerts.
This year, we will reunite for (yet) another Police concert – a bit older, maybe a little wiser, and definitely no less goofy. God help the people sitting near us. Really.
To give you a glimpse into our ridiculousness, here’s a series of email exchanges we’ve been having since January 4. Spelling, grammar and sanity level have not been changed to protect anyone.
Enjoy. Or run. Whichever.
01.04.07 – 01.05.07
Danielle: (after finding out the Police may reunite) OMFG you guys. If they reunite, WE ARE GOING.
Rebecca: I bet they'll play a NYC date or maybe a D.C. date; big JP sleepover!!!!
Seana: FUCKING A!
Danielle: That, my friend, is the most perfect and greatest response of all time.
Kelsey: OMG! Leave it to my man Stu to put it all together! We must go and wear our sleeves full of bracelets, police tee shirts, cropped hair etc. etc. Woo Hoo!
2.07.07 – 2.10.07
Danielle: Monday, we'll know... "After weeks of speculation, a press conference and "special announcement" featuring rehearsals by the Police is set for Monday (Feb. 12) at the Whisky A Go Go in West Hollywood, Calif., the day after the band will reunite for a show-opening performance at the Grammys."
The mania begins.
Seana: FU*CKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I am already poor so what's another 2K for my Sting a ling a ding dong (pet name). And by the way, STING IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still! Even from before! Through the good times and bad! Do you think he knows? Will pick me out of the audience and take me to live in one of his 7 houses? I better lose 10 pounds! At least now I have a reason. :) Too much babble sorry AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHAH. This is, like, the greatest email of all time. Sting is totally yours and if need be, we can implement the "Trudi" plan from 1984. Damn Howard Jones - I've seen him twice in concert now, and he still ignores me.
Seana: Trudie is no more! Her days are numbered. And Jan? She is toast! Let's double date! I bet Sting and Howard would hit it off nicely. I've seen Sting 12 times since the very first concert at the Aud (yes, you all went to Toronto - I remember!!!!!!!!!) and he always ignores me - so coy, my Sting.
Sheri: If Sting is yours, then Stewart is mine!!! I remember when Kel and I saw them in Toronto and they stayed in our hotel, and we saw them at the restaurant and we were too chicken shit to go up and say anything. Seana- you probably would have jumped Sting, huh?
Seana: Would have jumped him, done him and done him again for good measure!!! :)
Kelsey: Weren't we in an ELEVATOR with them! I can't believe we passed up our chance when we had him captive in an enclosed place. And we were lookin so hot in our police tee shirts and lopsided hairdos with the orange (blond?) sun-in streaks! How could he have resisted!!!! And by the way sheri - Stu is still mine or we will have to share. How come Seana is the only one who had a member to herself. Didn't Rebecca & dedo have to share andy too??
Danielle: Rebecca can have Andy because I'm still working on Howard Jones. Also, is it wrong that I laughed at the phrase "member to herself?" How come the four of us have to share two MEMBERS? I'm so juvenile.
Rebecca: Andy is MIIIIIINE. Lay off Bioches.
Sheri: Dude- I had Stewart from the beginning. Kelsey, I suppose I could share with you, but you had that guy Tony from Spandau Ballet- he was your guy!!!! Not Stewart!!! But I suppose you could have sloppy seconds!
Kelsey: HA HA Dedo. I had the same thought regarding the MEMBERS as I was typing it. Our beevis & butthead minds will always think alike! And Sheri - thanks for reminding me. I almost forgot my man Tony.I'll have to look him up online & see if he is still alive. I have not heard hide nor hair of any spandau ballet reunion but I can always hope!
Seana snaps out of it and gets us back on track.
Seana: Ok - but seriously guys, we need to STRATEGIZE on getting these tickets! It will be tough. Frank is already setting me up to fail - telling me it wil be too hard! Ass. I may have to go and sleep outside the Garden when they go on sale..anyone game? Do you think they will do a Buffalo show? That would be the one to see - but we can also do NYC and Boston if needed - woohooo! Road trip! Let me know your thoughts.
Danielle: Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one planning on how to get tickets already. I am thinking they are going to play huge venues like the Garden, or Wembley. I'm up for a trip to London! Anyone else??? I'm betting that tickets will be extremely hard to get, so we'll have to pull out whatever stops we can to get them!
Seana: Oh London here I come!!!! :) honestly, I can get a cheaper flight to London than to Buffalo most of the time!
Sheri: You just have to pray really hard- I don't know how it happened but I managed to get those Madonna tickets. It was really stressful though. But I do think that one person needs to get all the tickets so we can sit together!!! We could also go to Toronto too! London would be cool except I am planning a mecca to see Van Morrison this summer also possibly abroad too like Ireland, England, Amsterdam of California. (That is our 10th anniversary trip!) It will be a concert summer. I do know that sometimes if you are a memeber of a fan club, they can get presale tickets before they go on sale to the public. Something to look into.
Danielle: Ooo, good thinking Sher! Fan clubs are a good idea! OMG, when you got those Madonna tix it was fate. I know that will happen for us. Toronto is a good place to converge! I bet they will totally play there. Also, I hope they don't do ticket limits. That would be ANNOYING. We WILL get tickets. I feel it.
Rebecca: Wait, hold it, stop; I am out of the loop!! Are they reallly planning a reunion tour or is this just speculation? My brother knows a bunch of shady Russian people who maybe can help. My guess is they won't be playing in Buffalo.
Danielle: Where the hell have you been??? Hahahha, kidding! There will be a press conference on Monday, and the guess is that it will be to announce the reunion tour. Don't forget to watch them on Sunday on the Grammys! HAHAHAHAHAHAH something tells me they won't be playing in Buffalo, either!!!
A new reason to flip out emerges.
Danielle: OMFG you guys. LOOK AT THIS SHIT! Win a (concert) date with The Police! FUCKING A! God damn Sting (sorry, Seana) and his overpriced fan club membership!!!!!
Seana: That's why I never joined - and you have to be "legacy" to get into this contest - so no point now - although the pics are HOT.
Danielle: Ok, one other thing...What song do you think they're gonna do tomorrow night? If they do a medley, that would be dumb. I'm guessing Every Little Thing She Does is Magic.
Seana: I think like you Deebs a montage it is! Sting likes them nowadays. But if not my money is on every breath you take
2.11.07
Danielle: (after watching the Grammys) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OMG! Greatest thing EVER!!!!!
Seana: can you frickin believe I missed it? who has the dvr version??? please save arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we were having a playdate and we did not get home until 8:11pm sigh....
Danielle: We recorded it. I will get it into a WMV file and send it to you later, but I bet you can find it now on YouTube!
2.12.07
Danielle: Tony's brother sent this to me! I hope I can use this to get tickets for NYC! (after reading email about Best Buy presale) LAME! It only lets you buy 2 tickets! LAAAAAAAAAAAAME!
Sheri: Guess who is a Best Buy Rewards Zone member!!!!!! I guess buying a big ass TV does come in handy!!!!!!! I believe I can get two tickets Anyone want to go with me? What to I have to do Danielle? When? Where? How? I already know Why!
Danielle: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! I think all the directions are in that email thingie - I was too crazy over the whole thing to even read it! I'm hoping the tix go on sale soon so we can get a big block all together!
Seana: I am not a member!!! But Sting is MY member so pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Deebs or Shoe - how about a little ol ticket for your friend SW??????
Danielle: (after reading list of tour dates) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Seana: Looks like NYC or Boston or DC are good optionsI think we need to have a conference call to discuss! What do you think?
Danielle: Or all of the above. I think a conference call would be in order.
Seana: Are you guys availble for a call tomorrow night at 9pm EST???
Danielle: YES! (of course I'm available, I have no life...)
Sheri: Yes I am available. Will you call me, or do I have to call you.
Later that day
Danielle: I'm watching the webcast right now. It's a giant commercial for Best Buy. These tickets are $225!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How much of their savings did Stewart and Andy blow through????? They're gonna replay it later on www.thepolicerehearsals.com, if anyone is interested in watching. They played songs!
Seana: Deebs, I know this sounds nutty but $225 is NOTHING - I told a friend today I am prepared to go to 1K. That is so sad.
Danielle: Ok, good, then I'm not the only crazy one here. I would EASILY spend that! FRONT ROW, BABY! Seriously, if you guys get a chance to watch the webcast later, DO. It's amazing. Stewart is HILARIOUS and there is tons of banter between him and Sting. And Andy can still rock that guitar. You guys. THE POLICE!
Seana: I just listened and will replay again - Stew and Sting - at it again! :)
Sheri steps in as the voice of reason. Sheri is very good at calming Seana and I down when we are in hyper mode.
Sheri: Okay guys- breathe. Take a step back and think. Now last year at this time, I was crazy with my Madonna tickets and they were $365. $1000? You could get a car for that!!! You guys are soo funny. I am not prepared to go to $1000. Now are we bringing the guys to the concert? This should be our JP reunion- girls only!!!! Then we can worship without the guys around.
Danielle: Ok, let's decide... What shows are you all interested in? Because presale tix for Boston, NYC and Toronto go up tomorrow! Here are the best choices:
NYC in August (wed. 8/1 and fri 8/3)
Toronto on Sunday 7/22
Boston on Saturday 7/28
To be honest, I'd like to go to all of these, so we should figure out which one we all can go to. Seana, are you into going to all of the NYC shows? Because I'd be up for both of those with you (cheap seats are fine with me!).
Sheri: Any of those. I'll be the first to respond.
Later...
Danielle: I'm getting pissed at these douchebags!
Current Police Tour Fan Club members:
Enter your passcode where requested.
Not a Member Yet?
Beginning Tuesday February 13 at 12:00pm, you can purchase tickets before the general public by ordering The Police Tour Fan Club Membership during the presale as part of your ticket purchase transaction, which will cost another $100 USD ($120 CDN).
In approximately 10 business days, The Police Tour Fan Club will send you an email so that you can then activate your membership.
Who do they think they are???
Seana: ok - wait - what does this mean? does this mean that you can get tickets tomorrow for another 100$??? If so, I will pay you! I would like to attend all shows in NYC - but will settle for 1 and don't care where - but would love best possible.
wait
ok - I think we need to have this conference call tonight - 10pm perhaps????
And now the mania begins to occur over the phone between me, Seana, and Sheri. Plans are made to buy tickets for the Toronto show using the presale codes the following day at noon.
Danielle: Monkey wrench! There is no code for Toronto through Best Buy! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...We will get FOUR tickets on Wednesday through the Police fan club for Toronto. Tony does not want to go to that show so Dave won't have to come, and neither will Frank, so it can be either S/D/Se/K or S/D/Se/R. AND we can all sit together and be crazy and smoke clove cigarettes in exchange for a sip of whiskey.
That night…
Seana: FW: welcome to thepolicetour.com
I have lost my mind
Danielle: HA! Welcome to the club of crazy. I'm so manic!
Seana: I was thinking that but then we can't use best but for Toronto What about everyone comes to NYC? We can get 12 tickets between 2 best buy and 2 memberships?
2.13.07
The ticket buying analysis begins…
Seana: Ok I was thinking...What about this? 4 best buys for NYC today between you and Sheri and 8 more tickets for NYC with memberships me and Danielle tomorrow...All NYC on the Friday...NYC will be chaper because between me and Rebecca we will find places for...everyone to stay for free and if can't or won't come we can easily sell tickets...It's jp reunion 2007 with the police!!!!!! What do you think?
Followed by:
All: I will call you - Sheri at 11:30am - then we can conference in Deebs at 11:45am - and whoever else is available. We can try Rebecca. Kel and Sheila - if you want to be in on the call - email me. Thanks.
Danielle: That would work for me!
Danielle and Seana get on the phone to buy tickets.
Danielle: MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST! MY HANDS ARE SWEATING! I'M SHAKING!
Seana: ME TOO!!! I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!! NOT LEAVINBG MY DESK UNTIL YOU CALL ME :)
Danielle: (buying tickets) omg here they come
Seana: YOU ARE READY! FOR THE FLOOR!!! But seriously, there is a skip in my step today friend - what an glorious day!!!! Thanks for doing all this and for being the coolest friend ever!!!!
While Danielle and Seana are screaming and jumping around on the phone, this email from Sheri comes iin and panic ensues!
Sheri: What happened to Toronto? Have you changed the venue on me? Should I get the best buy tickets today? Is anyone going to sit with me in the $90 seats or am I going to be by my lonesome while you guys are whoopin it up in the $225 seats? That's what I get for not being home (I was grocery shopping in case we have the big "snowstorm" tomorrow.) I missed the whole thing! Fill me in.
Sheri tries to get more tickets through the Best Buy presale, but no luck.
Seana: SHERI WAS SHUT OUT OF BEST BUY Let's talk at 1pm or so today to figure out the strategy for tomorrow.
Danielle: She tole me! Yikes! I'll be in my car, so call me on my cell and we'll figure out what we will do for tomorrow. I think we will just get four tickets using a membership and go from there... We will talk later!
Seana: LOL call me as soon as possible. :)
Danielle and Seana discuss phase 2 of the ticket buying strategy and Seana fills everyone in on the plan.
Seana: Sheri and Rebecca, Here is the update. I will go on ticketmaster with my membership tomorrow and get 4 tickets ($90) for the Friday night show. Then, Sheri and Rebecca are guaranteed a seat - and we will have 2 extra tickets - either for Kel and Sheila or husbands or others etc. The membership cost was $100 - so $25 I will add to your price of $90 ok? ok? $115 total. Thanks and I will keep you posted - wish me luck tomorrow - these are some complex directions....
Sheri: I called kel and left a message about the concert and I called Sheila's cell- she was just getting into Florida, so she said she'd call me back later, but I told her about the concert and told her if she wants to go let me know. So are we not talking tonight? I told Kel about it and left the number on her answering machine, so if not I'll call her back. Let me know.
Danielle: Ha! I called Kel too and left her a message. I love this crazy shit!
Seana: I don't think we need to discuss tonight. Except perhaps for a pep talk for me so I don't screw this up...arghhhhhhhhhh Thanks.
More freakage and overanalyzing:
Danielle: I wonder if we would have a better chance at getting the tickets through this if we didn't have to log into the Police Fan Club first? We'd end up buying another membership, but it might give us a better chance because it will go faster?
Seana: Please read for me!! How To Use The ThePoliceTour.com Ticket Pre-Sale System?:
To take advantage of the current ThePoliceTour.com Ticket Pre-sale, please follow these quick steps...
The steps are not quick. There are 8 of them, and they are long and confusing.
Danielle: (unable to read directions) Ok, you got the code already, right?
Seana: No, you can't get the code until tomorrow....see below. when i go to that page and to the "fan club tickets" column - it's not active! See "Members will not receive their codes until the presales start. Please Click here and carefully read the presale instructions. " How stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Danielle: OH THEY SUCK!!!!! What the hell is the point???? I would try getting the code BEFORE noon, if possible. Even keep trying periodically tonight. This is lameness!
Which sends me into a tailspin of being annoyed with everything ticket-related.
Danielle: This is especially annoying because you got the membership ahead of time, so you should be able to get the code BEFORE the people who get the membership when they order the tickets!
Danielle: Another thing I really hate is this whole Auction thing on ticketmaster. Basically they keep the best floor seats and auction them off at ridiculous prices so brokers can't get at them.
I check out the eBay sitch.
Danielle: OMG LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE THINGS ARE GOING FOR! People are also selling the passcode for the Best Buy presale! Unreal!
Seana: (copies this to her husband, who is otherwise totally awesome despite thinking we spent too much on our tix) $6,000 - they are going for on Ebay! Danielle and I rock. Thanks.
And then…
Seana: Here is a place called zen tickets is selling upper tickets for $350 and lower - kinda (but not as good as) ours for $600 - can you imagine? YOU FRIGGIN ROCK! AND I ROCK IN A SECONDARY WAY! BUT WILL ROCK IN MY OWN RIGHT TOMORROW!
Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Girl, YOU ROCK IN A TOTAL PRIMARY WAY! IF NOT FOR YOU CHEERING ME ON DURING THE TICKET BUYING PROCESS WE WOULD BE NOWHERE!
2.14.07
Danielle: I have a snow day today! So I will be fully available and in full concentration mode when we go for these g.d. tickets!
Seana: Excellent! Owen's daycare opens at 10am - so I will be drop him off and be home in time as well. Deebs - I will call you at 11:45am! :)
Danielle: Awesome! Talk to you then!
Sheri: I have snow day too! I will be home also. Call me!!! Good Luck. Pray to the Lord Jesus Our Christ and Savior and giver of The Police Tickets!!!!!
Danielle: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's a good catholic girl! :)
Sheri: Yeah, if I was Catholic!
Seana calls me at 11:30 and we begin the process of panicking.
Good news: Ticketmaster posts a message that EXISTING fan club members (aka Seana) will be able to purchase presale tickets a full 24 hours before new fan club members who want to purchase their tickets and membership simultaneously. Rock! Seana!
Bad news: Seana gets error message after error message when refreshing the fan club webpage in an effort to get the presale code.
Good news: Thanks to some quick thinking on our part, Seana and I manage to pull off buying four more tickets!
While that is happening...
Sheri: Kelsey called. She's in Miami, and she's totally in!!!!!! And there’s a good chance Sheila is in! JP REUNION! Good luck call me!
Seana and I conference call Sheri and there is much screaming. Again.
A final email goes out:
Danielle: JOE PARADOX at the POLICE! Look out NYC! God, seriously, you guys, I feel bad for anyone who has to sit by any of us.
Get ready.