Thursday, April 10, 2008

Artie quits?

I think people are surprised to learn that I am a HUGE fan of the Howard Stern show.  I’ve listened for years, and even chose a car for the specific reason that it had built in Sirius satellite radio.  I have a long commute, and couldn’t imagine what it would be like without the Stern show to start my day.

Tony and I email each other frequently throughout the day about what’s happening on the show, and since I can’t listen at work, he fills me in on what I’m missing.  Today I was shocked when he told me that Artie Lange (allegedly - we’ll see how it plays out) resigned from the show after a huge on-air argument with his assistant Teddy.  Artie’s gone bananas on people before, like when he threw a CD case at Sal, so I was expecting something on that level.  Tony recorded the show for me so I loaded up the mp3 when I got home, and I was in no way prepared for what I heard.

It started out with Artie and Teddy arguing in the hall, and Howard asked them into the studio to find out what was going on.  First, Artie described a problem he had with the way Teddy handled some business for him involving his passport (including leaving photocopies of his passport in a copy machine), which he totally should have been pissed about.  The airing of grievances quickly escalated and ended up with Artie revealing how much money Teddy had borrowed from him since taking on the assistantship.  Artie clearly resented the fact that Teddy would never be in the position to pay him back, and called Teddy a whole bunch of disparaging names.  Artie accused Teddy of stealing money from him, went off on Teddy’s overall ineptitude, and said he hated him.  Artie said he didn’t have the heart to fire Teddy because he felt sorry for him and besides, what would Teddy do otherwise? 

Because we couldn’t see what was happening (and I doubt they’re going to air it on HowardTV, because they didn’t replay the show today either), I don’t know how the next few seconds played out but all of a sudden there was a bunch of screaming in the studio, and everyone was screaming at Teddy to get out and close the door fast.  There was some talk that Artie threw a bottle of water at Teddy, because Teddy was wet, but I can’t be sure if that’s what happened or not.  Robin was flipping out (wondering what the hell was wrong with everyone in this place!) and everyone else was pretty much speechless.  Artie went to the green room to chill out for a few minutes before returning to the studio.

Initially there was some discussion about Howard egging the argument on and causing it to escalate, which I absolutely did not believe was true.  Howard was doing what Howard always does - asking questions of people to evoke some interesting content.  Fights happen all the time and have for years on the show, but never has anything escalated to this point since the AJ Benza/Stuttering John incident.  Eventually Howard just told Artie he simply couldn’t act this way at work.  Artie agreed, said he couldn’t be trusted, resigned from the show, and left.

Teddy came back into the studio and Howard reassured him he didn’t do anything wrong, but Teddy was unsure as to what this weekend would hold for him.  A bunch of the guys were off to Amsterdam this weekend for Jason’s bachelor party (including Artie and Teddy), so there was some discussion about whether or not Artie would go.  Teddy said he wanted to and still planned to go.  Howard, Gary (who was really shaken by the whole thing), Robin and Fred spent some time talking about what they could possibly do about this.  Could Artie return to the show after this?  What if he went off like this on a guest?  Nothing was really resolved and Jason Reitman came in for his interview, which was a good break from the intensity of the last forty minutes or so. 

I didn’t get to listen to the rest of the show, or to the Wrap-Up Show, so I’m not sure what was discussed after that.  And they didn’t run any replays this afternoon, which I’m not sure is a good thing or a bad thing.  What I do know is that I was actually on the verge of tears listening to this whole thing unfold. 

Artie reminds me a lot of the Italian men in my family.  They’re wonderful, generous guys, whose purpose in life is to make other people happy.  They develop long and lasting friendships with people and even in business, clients and employees are treated as friends.  The one problem is that they want so much to be the good guys all the time, they don’t know how to assert themselves when something isn’t working out for them.  Instead of addressing awkward or uncomfortable situations calmly, they wait until so much resentment builds up that they explode.  It doesn’t happen often but when it does, you remember it.  My dad used to get so aggravated with us in the car on family trips, he’d pull the car over, get out, and threaten to walk home.  We’d be in the back seat freaking out, he’d come back, we’d be quiet for about 200 miles and then the whole thing would start all over again.  We laugh about it now, but it’s the same kind of thing that happened with Artie today.  I think he wasn’t able to communicate to Teddy as his boss, because he’s so used to being his friend and his hero, in a way, that he doesn’t ever want to be the bad guy.  Instead of firing Teddy, I think he tried to get Teddy to quit, which of course I’m sure Teddy wasn’t about to do.  The whole thing was a big mess, and it makes me so sad to think Artie might not be back on the show next week.  There’s a reason he’s the fan favorite, and the show wouldn’t be at all the same without him. 

I’m also terrified about Artie’s current state of mind.  I think he’s been on the verge of some kind of breakdown for a while, there’s no denying that.  I really hope he doesn’t go to Amsterdam, because that would just be a den of self-destruction in which he could hibernate.  Hopefully someone close to him will stay physically close to him for the next few days and give him some much-needed support.  If Artie’s gonna get help, he’s got to do it himself, but this is a crisis situation and I’m sure the people who love him won’t abandon or ignore him right now.  George Takei, Artie needs you!

I’m sure this long-winded report and analysis of what happened today on the Howard Stern show seems pretty strange to anyone reading this (unless you’re a Stern fan, of course).  It may sound crazy to say that people who listen to the show feel like they know Artie (and everyone else, for that matter), but it’s true.  We listen to them every day for four or five hours a day.  That’s more time than I spend listening to my own boyfriend or family talk each week!  We’ve grown to care about these people and not just as “characters.” There’s something raw and genuine about all of them, and we can’t help but feel invested. 

As much as I hate the idea of Artie leaving, I think he does need to take a break.  Maybe he could take a sabbatical for a few months and go get his shit together at a spa in Italy.  It might completely change his perspective.  Once he gets things under control, he could come back to the show.

Anyway, if you’re not a Stern fan, this whole post will be a bunch of blabbery nonsense to you.  I’m hoping some Stern fans will stumble upon this post and leave some comments for me because I’d really like to hear what other people are thinking about everything that happened and everything that’s going to happen as a result.