Heathen that I am, you'd think I wouldn't be big on decorating for Xmas. Au contraire, mes amis. I freaking love it.

Yesterday I dragged the boxes of decorations out of the garage, loaded up Hanson's Snowed In on the iPod, and went to town. We lit up the bushes and tree in front of the house with rainbow-colored lights and then dragged our asses to Lowe's to buy a $29 pre-lit artificial tree. I expected it to be a piece of crap, which it basically is, but with some extra lights (it only came with white lights - we added some color) and ornaments all over it, it doesn't look half bad! Cute, even.

In 2003, Tony and I spent our first Christmas together. He didn't want to decorate, but I forced my holiday cheer upon him and we emerged from Target with a multi-colored tabletop tinsel tree and a handful of ornaments. This is what it looked like:

As we started hanging the ornaments, we noticed this one was a little unusual:

"Hmmmm," we thought, "Is it us, or does that angel look pregnant?"

Indeed, she did, and she sparked in us the desire to begin a holiday tradition.

Each year, while other shoppers search for the perfect gifts for their loved ones, we scour the holiday section of the stores for the most hideous, tacky, offensive/politically incorrect ornaments we can find. If they're damaged, all the better. Let's take a look at just some of the ornaments we've collected that fit this criteria:

The flying sneaker:

Um? Why? Is this the ornament for the modern-day Achilles? I don't know. All I know is it's shiny and I'm a gay man living in a straight woman's body, so I had to have it.

The three-legged iguana:

This guy has it a lot easier than some of the others on the tree.

Like this guy:

Poor thing. Looks like Santa was on the sauce again during flying practice. (Also see: shiny.)

These two reindeer need to stay away from Tylenol PM and heavy machinery:

He's supposed to be sitting on a snowmobile, but all that's left are the handlebars. Apparently he was a little too reckless because he's also missing an antler.

This guy

is supposed to be riding a motorcycle. Instead he just looks like he's pooping.

Someone's going to have to break the news to him:

It might be time to start thinking of another sport to pursue. Chess, perhaps.

There are plenty more on the tree but I'll leave you with these. From now on, just remember: whenever you see a broken ornament in a discount bin, you can cheer up, knowing there's someone out there who'll give that sad little ornament a home for Christmas.