It's Sunday, which means Tony is planted in front of the television, watching the Redskins, and I am puttering around the kitchen, cooking copious amounts of food in an attempt to procrastinate school work. When I sat down in the living room for a few minutes, I witnessed one of those multi-player pileups that occur in every football game. The announcers were saying, "You wouldn't want to be at the bottom of one of those, folks," so I asked Tony what goes on at the bottom of a pileup. I couldn't imagine it would be anything serious, since the players are packed so tightly, it must be nearly impossible to move. Wrong. Apparently everything from eye-poking to ball-squeezing goes on in there.

I prefer thinking it's all kittens and rainbows instead, so here's my take on what really goes on in a football player pileup.

• "You guys! Quick, before I forget! Knitting party at my house after the game! I just got a new sweater pattern that includes cables and mohair! I can't wait to show it to you!"
• "Hey Bubba, when do you pick up your new Papillon puppy?" "Tomorrow, and I'm so excited! What do you think of 'Princess Butterfly' for a name? Too obvious?"
• Oh my GOD, who saw Project Runway on Wednesday? I was biting my nails for Christian at the end, weren't you? But that outfit. Bitch, please!"
• "Marshawn, are those new highlights?" "Yes, do you like them?" "Damn, they look gooood. Very natural. You need to give me the name of your stylist."
• "Does anyone have any lip balm?"
• "Could we hurry this up? There's a sale at Macy's and I want to get there before they close!"
• "Your new uniforms look great, Jason. The colors are perfect on you. I am SO a winter, and the mustard yellow on ours does nothing for me."
• "Hahahahahahahaha! Stop, that tickles!"
• "Marco!" "Polo!"
• "Be honest. Do these shoulder pads make me look fat?"

Please to add some of your own. Kthxbye.