October 10, 2007

A scene from Stepford

This was the scene across the street as I returned home from work yesterday...

A mother is walking down the street with her toddler son in hand. Her older son, probably four years old, runs on ahead, toward the intersection with the stop sign that 9 out of 10 drivers in this neighborhood ignore.

"Finn. Finn. Stop, Finn. Finn. Mommy said stop. Mommy said stop, Finn. Finn, stop. Mommy said stop. Stop, Finn."

Finn runs on ahead, ignoring his mother's sing-song commands.

"Finn, stop. Stop, Finn. Finn. Finn. Mommy said stop. Finn, Mommy said stop. Finn, I'm counting. One...two...three."

Finn stops.

"Thank you, Finn."

Before she can get the last word of that sentence out, Finn books on down the street, and the whole thing starts all over again. Finn, stop. Mommy said stop. Stop, Finn. Mommy said stop. Mommy said stop, Finn.

It took every ounce of self-restraint within me not to run across the street, grab Finn by the arm and yell, "JESUS CHRIST, FINN, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. SHE SAID STOP, NOW STOP!"

This scene was the cherry on the sundae of wonderfulness that I observed at work with a few kids who are learning from home that they aren't responsible for their own actions, that everything is always the result of external forces, and that mommy and daddy will fix it all.

What is this generation of children learning? Stop means run, counting disguises empty threats, it's not your fault. I'm not saying parenting is easy or that every parent has to make the "right" decisions all the time, but what the hell happened to common sense? Did your parents send you to school with a note every time you didn't do your homework on time? Did they demand to move you to another classroom because you weren't placed in a class with the friends you wanted? Did they teach you to blame the kid whose ANSWER YOU COPIED when the teacher points out an incorrect answer on your math paper? With the exception of extenuating circumstances, I highly doubt it. They probably taught you to suck it up and deal with the consequences that you deserved.

I'm encouraged by people like my brother and his wife who are teaching my nephew Alex the meaning of the word "no." Guess what? His self-esteem is just fine. In fact, he's one of the happiest, most well-adjusted kids I've ever seen in the twenty-one years I've worked with children. Like any child, he's curious about the world around him and tests his boundaries. When he goes too far, Jim and Kelly let him know. And he understands. He even says the words "I'm sorry," unsolicited.

So, give me your thoughts: How did we get to StopFinnMommysaidstopMommysaidstopFinnStopFinnMommysaidStop?

Back when the boomers decided to introduce such phrases as 'timeout' and 'use your words' ... seriously, let the kids beat the crap out of each other - they'll learn at an early age that 'that' sort of behaviour gets the snot kicked out of you.

My boys and I had this conversation yesterday - they told me that timeout is 'free time' and all kids are learning is that when they're bad they get 'free time'.

We also discussed how the American Idol tryouts is the perfect example of TOO MUCH self esteem. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... *deep conversation in the Durango*

If you want to build their esteem or help them find their dream then get them some training - don't fill their heads with lies to make them 'feel good' and make you their friend.

We're not supposed to be their friends ... we're supposed to be their Parents. There is a difference. Then again, if you play your cards right - you can end up being both. However, it shouldn't be because you've lead them to believe that they're something they're not or carried them their whole life and 'fixed' everything for them.

That's just my 2 pennies and it ain't worth much - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I believe we got to this point around the same time people started naming their kids things like Finn. What? Too harsh?

Seriously, there is a line between teaching kids to be responsible for their own actions and damaging self esteem, but really it's not that thin of a line. You can certainly tell kids no and tell them that actions have consequences without destroying their lives. It's ok to tell a child that they have the answer wrong and to teach them how to get it right.

But it not only has to do with teaching your kids these things, but showing them by example. You said that 9 out of 10 drivers ignore the stop sign. More than likely Finn's mommy is one of those 9. The sign says, "Stop mommy, mommy stop, the sign said stop, stop mommy," and she keeps on going. Doing things like that teaches kids that as long as you do what you want, it's ok.

Right on, y'all! I agree with all of you. Craig's point is spot on.

"Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work. The things my kids know, they know from watching me, not from listening to me!

I made a lot of mistakes with them in the beginning but I learned pretty early on that A) it is not in their best interest to do those things you listed, and B) it's never too late to change your parenting, uh, style (for lack of a better word). I am happy that common sense kicked in for me and now my kids are pretty well prepared for what life throws at them. And they're pretty good people, too.

I weep for the future. Sadly, one day Finn is going to be calling his mom a stupid *@#$ in front of anyone who's around because he's not going to have any respect for her. And then whose self-esteem is going to be in the crapper? hmmm?

Life is not easy - it's far better that your kids know that from the git-go (as my parents would say). :)

I agree - our countries are raising a generation of spoiled, entitled brats who will become unhappy, entitled adults upset that the world isn't giving them what they want when they want it and subsequently spending a fortune on therapy. Case in point - see Taylor, Lil' Miss Pageant Queen on Kid Nation (shut up, I know you're watching too). 5 bucks say her parents are impressed with her lazy ass ways instead of horrified as I would be if that were my child.

My Oma (grandmother) just turned 80, and was telling us a few stories about her childhood. Most of our privileged society would be horrified at the idea of a 7 or 8-year-old being hired out for the summer as a babysitter, which she did as her family otherwise couldn't afford to feed her. And yet, she keeps saying "and we were so happy, we didn't know any better" each time she tells a story along those lines. Most yuppie parents these days won't allow an 8-year-old to cross the street on their own, much less do actual work.