My stats tracker revealed a hit from this search: "it is not safe to be a vegan". I'm pretty used to answering questions about veganism. I'm pretty certain the number of people I've convinced to give veganism a try is a party of zero, but I'm also quite comfortable with the uncomfortable silence that follows a brief description of my opposition to factory farming. You ask, I answer.

One phenomenon that vegans must endure frequently never ceases to stun me, though, and it involves tofu. As much as people like to ask questions about veganism, they also like to stare at my food, and at me eating my food, as if I'm going to miraculously transform into a giant broccoli sprout or cucumber slice, Violet Beauregard-style. Normally I pay no attention to these oglers, but I think I'm going to have to take the tofu situation to the next level.

For whatever reason, people think nothing of releasing loud exclamations of disgust when their eyes happen upon even the smallest square of bean curd. "UGH! IS THAT TOFU? Oh, YUCK. I don't know HOW people can EAT that stuff. I mean, it doesn't even TASTE like ANYTHING. And the TEXTURE! Ew!" And so on and so on.

Why do people think this is ok? I am very appreciative when a lunchmate asks me if a roast beef sandwich or chicken caesar salad will bother me, and I tell them that I don't expect people to change their eating habits just because they are dining in my company. I can even ignore the jackass who always manages to sit next to me at social functions - the one who says things like, "Oh, you're vegan? Well, more meat for us!" or "Boy, this dead cow sure is delicious!" eighty thousand times during the meal. I'm so over being annoyed by that.

I am not, however, over the people who think it's completely acceptable to make rude, obnoxious, stupid comments about my tofu, or anything else on my plate, for that matter. As of today, all bets are off. Beware my wrath, tofu-haters. If you open that door, I will barge through and provide you with a detailed editorial of every morsel of food on your plate until you are left slack-jawed - your mouth open just enough for me to poke a piece of tofu right in!