We took the cats in this week for annual checkups. We asked our vet what we might do to curb Emmett's overall assholery - he relentlessly chases Linus at every available opportunity, and squeezes his enormous seventeen-and-a-half-pound frame under the bed to get at The Smoosh. One minute he's a cuddly mess, curled up in our laps purring, and the next, he's awful and a huge source of stress for the other cats.

The vet suggested we get a harness and leash, and take him out for walks to help expend some of his excess energy. We're willing to try whatever it takes for a modicum of peace with this cat, so off I went to the pet store today for a black pawprint harness and matching black leash.

After a slight struggle with the harness, we leashed him up and tried to get him outside. On any other day, he would be poking his fat head through the door, trying to sneak out, but not today. Today he flopped down on his side and tried to chew off the leash and harness. So we carried him out.

We put him down on the porch and he flopped back on his side. After several minutes, he decided he was ready to sniff a holly bush. More flopping. We carried him to the sidewalk. At that very moment, three or four cars drove by, staring at us through the windows. Yes, we are "those people" - the ones who walk their cat on a leash! That's us! The crazy cat people! Don't stare at us too long or you'll turn to stone! Boogedy boogedy!

Emmett still wanted nothing to do with the great suburban outdoors, so I picked him up and walked with him. I'm not sure what I was thinking at this point. Would he suddenly become inspired by the scenic views of rows of identical townhouses and leap from my arms, eager to walk briskly down the street to see what the world had to offer a simple cat? I was probably saying stupid shit like, "See! See the big cars and the houses! And what's that? A mailbox! Let's go see the mailbox!' but I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

We walked back to the house and upon returning to the porch, Emmett found his first burst of bravery. It was the funniest g.d. thing I have seen in quite some time. In stealth position, he would crawl, belly to the ground, about two feet, and then flop over to his side. Ten seconds later, same thing. And again and again until he managed to make it three houses down the street! Victory! A few bugs inspired him to leap off the ground, straight up into the air, but then...immediately back to stealth mode. It started to rain at this point, and he was confused and irritated by the droplets, so we brought him in.

So far tonight, we've had no chasing, no hunting, no jackass behavior from him in general. Hopefully the fresh air, exercise, and change of scenery each night will help calm him down and keep him from bullying the other cats so much. And if not, we'll just be content in our role as "the crazy neighbors who walk their cat on a leash."