June 16, 2006

Peeing for Dummies

After watching the Safety Hysteria episode of Penn and Teller's Bullshit, I was forced to re-examine my fear of public restrooms and the irrational, obsessive-compulsive ritual which occurs there. I am going to share this ritual with you today, not because I think admittance is the first step to recovery, but because I know how much I enjoy reading these kinds of things on other people's blogs. I think, "Wow, I'm crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy!" Today is your day to feel superior to me. I promise that when it comes to public bathrooms, I am way, way crazier than you.

I hate public bathrooms. I skeeve them so much that I'd almost rather get a UTI than pee in one. Sometimes, though, the need is too great and a visit to a public restroom is warranted. When this happens, certain measures must be taken if pee is to come out. This is my Public Bathrooms for (OCD) Dummies Ten-Step Program:

1. When entering the stall, check for remnants of wee. If there is anything in the toilet, or worse, ON the toilet, another stall must be chosen. Droplets are unacceptable because if another person's pee droplet ever touched my skin, I would have to have an entire skin transplant.

2. Flush the toilet WITH YOUR FOOT for safe measure.

3. Once a stall is chosen, it is imperative that the lock on the door functions. If not, repeat step 1.

4. In the stall, the walls and door must be examined for poo. Don't laugh. The bathroom in the rental car portal at the Tampa airport had a stall with poo all over the door and walls. How that happened, I have no idea, but it bumped the next rule down to number five, I can tell you.

5. Even if there is a long line, do not attempt to rush the next crucial step because you're afraid the people in line will get mad at you. If those people had to go so badly, they would have gotten to the restroom ahead of you, now, wouldn't they? You have now reached the Toilet Paper Phase of the ritual. The paper toilet seat covers will not do. You need three pieces of toilet paper. The first should be approximately 14 inches in length, folded in half. Place that piece on the exposed portion of toilet bowl under the u-shaped seat. The next two pieces (also folded in half) should be long enough to completely protect your ass, should your ass come into contact with any portion of the toilet seat.

6. At this point, you are safe to pee and wipe. Squatting or sitting is up to you. Squatting is preferred, but sometimes squatting is not an option. Sometimes squatting results in pee running down the leg. And even thought it's YOUR pee, it's still pee. I'm kind of proud of myself because I used to not even be able to get to this step. The way I could hold it - I was like a camel. With the advent of the toilet paper step, I can now sit on an actual toilet seat without having to bleach my entire body later. When you wipe, don't touch the dispenser. There might be poo on it. (Notice, too, that you don't have to remove a few squares of T.P. before wiping, because of the awesomeness of step 5!)

7. Flush with your foot.

8. When washing your hands, follow all good handwashing protocol. You know the drill - sing the happy birthday song twice, turn off the water with a paper towel.

9. Open the bathroom door, if possible, with a paper towel. Someone might have pooped and gone right for that door handle without washing. Do you want their poop on your hands? I didn't think so.

10. If you can't open the door with a paper towel, it's a good idea to have some handiwipes with you for such an emergency. If you don't have handiwipes, just try not to think about the possibility of some stranger's poop being on your hands until you can wash them again. Think about rainbows. Or kittens. Or the Duran Duran reunion tour. But not poop.

What'd I tell you? Crazier than you, huh?

Oh no! You asked for it! I recently had a major breakthrough in regards to my anal retentiveness (I mean that literally).

Sometimes I am running behind in the morning and don't get a chance to go #2 at home. When I get to work, I am in extreme discomfort all day because of it. Even when I really, really need to go, I have problems. I go but when I get to the bathroom I can't go because someone is in there. You know?

Well, recently, like I said, I had a breakthrough and now if I really, really have to go, I can! It's still a pretty traumatic thing, because there are six stalls in our bathroom and if I don't time it just right there is a constant influx of new people into the bathroom and then I freeze and have to hold it more. Gah! But, I have figured out ways to do it.

One, if I really, really need to go, I will hold my pee until the very last second and then something happens where, by the time I get to the bathroom, all my muscles relax so I can pee and I can do #2, too!

Two, if I really, really have to go but there is someone in the bathroom washing their hands and about to leave, I pretend that I'm in my bathroom at home reading my bathroom reading material (or I grab a tampon and read the wrapper) so that by the time that person leaves the bathroom I can squeeze it out real quick, flush, wipe, wipe, wipe, flush a couple more times, wash my hands thoroughly and - bam - I'm outta there!

It's a big production but it beats waiting all day and being miserable! I still don't understand how people can poop in the presence of other people but they do it all the time.

Aren't you glad you asked? I know I am only days away from blatant public pooping but with the right attitude I can prevent that unthinkable habit from forming!

OMG, I think we were separated at birth.

Recently, I had the same breakthrough! I can now poop at work, too! I never used to be able to do a boom boom at work, but in my old age, it's become necessary.

Fortunately, our bathrooms are single-occupant only. I guess that's only sort-of fortunate, though, because there's always the fear that someone will be waiting outside the door when I come out.

I use the tactics of jingling my keys and multi-flushing to make the experience less traumatic. And we always have spray in our bathrooms, not that my poop smells, because it doesn't. Hell, I'm such a neurotic public pooper that I flush so fast the bathroom doesn't get a chance to smell.

Like you, I also wait until the moment at hand is upon me, so that I can get in and out of there as fast as possible. I am not a bathroom reader - never have been, never will be. The idea of spending time in a bathroom doing anything but rushing to get in and out is completely foreign to me.

I suppose we could have an entire conversation about toilet paper, too, huh? I'm very particular about that.

I have to agree with the comment about not hovering. It just compounds the problem.

Clogging the toilet at work? I'm not sure I'd ever recover.

Danielle, I'm amused that the first comment on your post was you.

Finally, after all the talk of various protocols for using a public bathroom, the microbiologist in me would like to point out that as far as actual contamination goes, it doesn't really help. Other than the handwashing, it helps you feel better, but that's about it. But really, that's all that matters, because you can't avoid the contamination...Remember, when the toilet flushes particles of whatever was in there are aerosolized.

With that happy thought, I will leave you.