June 05, 2006

In praise of Ron Popeil

Truth is, I'm a sucker for infomercials and all things As Seen On TV.

Here is a list of some of the ASOTV things I currently own or have owned in the past:

The Rotato
The Ron Popeil Pasta Maker
The George Foreman Grill
The Juiceman
The Safety Edge Can Opener
The Smart Spin Food Storage System
The Sweepa
The Contour Pillow
The Ionic Breeze
OXYClean
NADS

Here is a sampling of some ASOTV things I would like or have at one time wanted to own:

The Grip and Flip
The Original Ginsu knives
The Quick Chop
The Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator
The Betty Crocker Bake-N-Fill Deluxe
Didi 7
The Pet Groom Pro
The TableMate II
Hairagami
The Gopher
Space Bags
The Little Giant Ladder System
The Victoria Principal skin care system
The traveling sewing machine
Sobakawa pillow
The Turbie Twist towel
The Caulk Away Caulk Rite Kit
The Amazing Gravity Bike Stand
Pops-A-Dent

and of course,

Ron Popeil GHL Formula Number 9 hair system

I think I can explain why I'm so enamored with these products, nay, these inventions.

1. I feel that they will make my life better, or at the very least, easier because of their fantasticalness.

2. They have clever names. Play-on-words, if you will. Man, if only I had come up with Hairigami or The Sweepa.

3. These products are, very often, systems, amazing, original, pro or deluxe. Such descriptors in the very title of the thing makes me want it ALL THE MORE.

On Saturday, I called my brother to see what was up with him. This is the conversation that went down:

BRO: Hello?

ME: Hey, it's just me. What's up?

BRO: We're having the block sale today. It's been raining on and off but a lot of people have come.

ME: Have you sold anything?

BRO: Yeah, but you wouldn't believe people. Remember the coffee table I had at my old apartment?

ME: Yeah.

BRO: Well this lady comes over and she's looking at it. Then she goes, "How tall is it?" HOW TALL IS IT? You're freaking standing right NEXT TO IT, lady!

ME: Hahahahahahahaha.

BRO: Then this other woman comes up and she's looking at this utensil and cutting board set that had some knives with it and she goes, "Are the knives sharp?" And I was like, 'Geez, lady, what do you want? A demo? Do I look like Billy Mays?

ME: OHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My brother is extremely hilarious to begin with, but even his humorous stories are better when they involve As Seen On TV references.

So there you have it. Now you 'fess up. Which ASOTV products have you bought and which ones are you secretly yearning for?

I not only have, but like both the George Foreman Grill and OXYClean. We also have the Miracle Blade 3 set, Space Bags and some version of the Qucik Chop. Let's see what else? Oh, there is also Zap!, the only thing that could get the rust stains off of the shower in the house we used to rent. Since it was incredibly corrosive and probably responsible for somewhere in the neighborhood of 50,000 deaths and innumerable injuries (I can't vouch for the accuracy of these numbers since I just made them up), it seems to be no longer available.

We needed to buy a ladder to work around the house this weekend. Want to guess which one we bought? Actually, no, we bought the Gorilla ladder system which is almost identical to the Little Giant but 1/4 of the cost.

I was talking with people at work today about GLH and we were trying to decide if anyone ever buys it for non-humor related reasons.

Currently, I want the Betty Crocker Bake-N-Fill (because you have to be able to fill that with ice cream of chocolate or something amazingly good yet bad for you) and the Magic Bullet...but that mostly has to do with seeing the infomercial too many times and be amazed at the inclusion of Hazel, the housedress-wearing, cigarette-smoking guest at the Magic Bullet party.

I suppose I no longer need to admit that I happen to love infomercials. In fact, at our house we've even been planning our very own infomercial for our genius invention, The Snack Tongs (tm). I could tell you more about it, but not without the confidentiality agreement.

Now that I have left a comment even longer than your post, I shall conlude with a question: Why won't Billy Mays stop shouting? Does he have some sort of hearing damage? Was it caused by OXYClean and Kaboom!? (Sorry, that was 3 questions.)

Craig - ZAP! I remember Zap! I needed Zap at my old house but for the exact reasons you mentioned, I didn't buy it! Where can I find this Gorilla that you mentioned? MUST. HAVE. And yes, Billy Mays is a big loudmouth! Perhaps sticking your entire arm in buckets of Oxyclean causes hearing loss...

THE HANDY STITCH! I couldn't think of the name!

Sheri - I totally want that Grip and Flip, even though I cook NOTHING that would ever need to be gripped or flipped. And OMG, you have the space bags? Do you have the travel version? Are you gonna bring them when you come visit? I need to see them!

Andrea - I have the entire Time Life Modern Rock collection, as well as Ultimate Seventies, The R&B Collection and Singers&Songwriters. You may touch me now.

Oh man, you wanna talk "turkey?" You wanna talk powerful and earthshattering? That would be an ASOTV Store! Yes, folks, an entire STORE of nothing BUT this stuff! All right there in front of you...to touch, to open the box, to appreciate the very plastic cheesiness of some of that stuff. But you have to act like an adult and keep yourself from running from item to item. "Omigod! Look! It's the ___________!!!!"
I first saw one in a downtown, hugecity mall somewhere.... we have one here now too....but, thankfully, it's quite a drive away.

Danielle- you must get the Grip and Flip- I have it and it the best thing since sliced bread!!! My Mom and I were watching that channel and we bought the set. with the Scoop and Strain too!!! I also have those storage bags that you use the vacuum to suck out the air to store clothes. I had a great old time with that!!!

I bought, much to my chagrin, the EuroSealer. WHY DOES SOMEONE NEED A DEVICE THAT CAN CUT A BAG OF WATER IN HALF WITHOUT SPILLING ANY? OF WHAT EARTHLY USE CAN THAT BE? BUT, the very best ASOTV item I ever bought, and still use, lo these 5 years later, is the FlipFold, which is basically what employees of The Gap use to fold sweaters. I heart it.

I want anything where Ron Popeil brings out one of his millions of relatives to demonstrate it and says, "Even a child can do it. We've never met before, right, kid?" and the kid replies, perkily, "Right, Daddy."

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But he did have his kid demonstrate the dehydrator and pretend she'd never seen one before.

Also, anything where the audience gets to yell out a punchline, such as, "Set it ..." (Audience: "AND FORGET IT!!!!")

hmmmmm there are the millions of love cd's I had to have as soon as I heard them, Monster Love Ballads anyone!
The Set It and Forget It which was a must have!!! George Foreman, Oxy Clean at one time, and let us not forget the Victoria Principal line of facial cleansers, which we have discussed, having misters and purifiers and all that luxury for my face. That is my dream, to have an all inlcusive system. Step off Jessica Simpson and your Proactiv, I can get that crap in the mall!

Furture purchases: many since my mom lives on QVC and always calls with a note about how much I need their things!

Ooh Oooh!!! (That's the excited sound of me suddenly remembering something) Since someone mentioned the Showtime rotissere and the "Set it....and forget it" tagline: I noticed recently that they have added a new disclaimer in the infomercial and on the box saying that you cannot set it and forget it and that they are not responsible for your house burning down if you do "set it...and FORGET it."

Apparently, I'm going to continue commenting on this until you post something new. I saw another great product while I was getting ready for work yesterday. "Yoga Booty Ballet" I'm not even sure how all of those words can work together, but with a name like that and an infomercial where one of the people excitedly says "I've got booty! I've got back now!" is an instant classic.