June 26, 2006

I hope the greeter is Phil Keoghan

On the way to the grocery store yesterday, we listened to Blaine Larsen's latest CD. One of the songs, "I'm In Love With a Married Woman" had some tender lyrics.

We sit alone in the darkest corner
Waitress comes and takes our order
And looks at us so suspiciously
It's plain to see that we're lovers
Trying to be alone with each other
It's so hard for us to break free
She whispers softly, "I love you"
This ain't your average rendezvous

Tony: You know what this song's about, right?

Me: Ummmm...

Tony: The married woman is his wife.

Me: OH! Duh!

Tony: You listen to enough country songs, you can figure this out just from the title.

Sure enough...

Cause I'm in love with a married woman
And I don't care, I don't care who knows it
Yes, I'm in love with a married woman
And on her left hand there's a wedding band
She wears faithfully
And I thank God she's married to me

The last song on the CD, "At the Gate" is, as you'd guess, about the common practice of laying in bed at night, thinking about death. Blaine wonders who will be there to greet him when he gets to heaven...his uncle, his great-grandma, a good friend? Or will it be his high school bully, a choir of angels, or St. Peter himself? It might be his childhood pet, Bailey, but he hopes it won't be his wife, daughter, or son.

Tony: Wouldn't heaven be more like an open field rather than a gated community?

Me: Oh, no. I bet heaven has a very active HOA and extremely strict covenants.

Anyone looking to buy real estate should ask the important questions up front. Before we settle on heaven as our final destination, we'd like to know a few things...

Are we allowed to paint our house any color we like in heaven, or are there a list of preapproved colors?

If we decide we'd like to put up a deck, do we have to get the approval of our neighbors?

What are the pool hours? Also, what is the procedure for obtaining guest passes?

Are we responsible for our own snow removal or do the HOA fees in heaven cover that?

Does the Heaven HOA take care of tree removal and stump grinding?

Are residents allowed to plant flowers in the common areas of heaven or is there a gardening crew?

Is there a little league team?

Who is responsible for maintaining the sidewalks in heaven?

Are Pilates classes offered in the Heavenly Clubhouse?

Does heaven have a golf course, and if so, what's par?

I'm not sure that this kind of community is right for us. Then again, given our past behavior in this life, we might not have a choice.

We have a category at Trivia Night called "Country or Crock?" Some recent questions: She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, And All Through The Night It Was Honor And Offer- The Sligo Studio Band
I Spent One Night In The Henhouse And Now I'm Sitting On An Egg - Crock
Even Jesus Would Have Hit You (But Not As Hard As Me) - Crock
It’s So Hard To Stay Hard - Crock
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill- Johnny Paycheck
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Jail By Now - Reuben Darnell
If I'd Gotten You Pregnant The Night We Met, You Wouldn't Have Known It Was Mine - Crock
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart- Conway Twitty
I Want You Almost More Than This Fried Chicken - Crock
It Ain't Easy Being Easy- Roseanne Cash

You would not believe the low scores on this category. Awesome.

There are some country songs where the woman isn't his wife. A few years ago there was a song where some tool in a Beret was singing to "Mrs. Steven Rudy" about how he was in love with her even though she was married. (You'd think if you were in love with a married woman, you'd at least want to call her by something other than her husband's name.)

I don't even know what to say about the second part of the post. Just don't be near anything metal and lightning rod-like for a while.