Many days, the drive-home traffic is unbearable. Some days, something interesting happens when cars are lined up bumper-to-bumper, wondering if an accident, police barricade, or idiots merging is causing the cessation of movement. Like the day when I saw the driver of a potato chip truck tossing bags of snacks into the sunroof of a neighboring car. Or the day when I rode behind the SUV with the license plate TRFC SUX, thinking, now that's dedication to finding the humor in a horrendous daily ride.

Today, I saw the most bizarre thing - in my rear-view mirror. For over an hour, a woman with long blond hair and huge dark sunglasses drove behind me. She never changed lanes; she never altered her speed. At first I thought her unremarkable. Then I noticed that her face looked taut, as if she might've had a facelift recently. I realized her mouth was pulled back because she was crying. What began as a gentle weep soon turned into a gaping-mouthed sob. A few times, her head lurched forward as if she intended to bang it against the steering wheel.

I felt awful for this woman! I thought about changing lanes and trying to get her attention to see if she needed help. The traffic was too dense. I was stuck in the line of cars, unable to move. So I watched her and tried to imagine what could be causing her grief. My first thought was that someone very close to her died, or was sick. I eliminated the possibility of any kind of emergency, since we were in the right lane and the shoulder-lane was wide open. Anyone in a dire situation would zoom over to the shoulder and take their chances.

I examined her crying pattern, which soon changed my mood from sympathetic to cynical. I began to think she was some kind of drama queen. Consider the evidence:

1. At no time did she wipe tears from her face, nor did she wipe her nose or sniffle. In fact, most of the time she appeared rather stoic. (SEE EXHIBIT A)

EXHIBIT A: Artist's rendering of the stoic face

2. She made close to ten phone calls at random times throughout the duration that I observed her behind me. I figured that anyone in a grave or truly heartbreaking situation would a) not want to talk to anyone or b) want to keep someone on the phone during the entire drive to help pass the time. The random phone calls seemed sketchy to me.

3. The car never wavered and she never changed speed. Usually people who are truly upset are unable to drive and pull over for a while. Or they have such difficulty concentrating that the car veers a bit from time to time. Nothing. Just an open-mouthed stare from behind the wheel. (SEE EXHIBIT B)

EXHIBIT B: Artist's rendering of the open-mouthed stare

4. The entire time I watched her, she was chomping on a huge wad of gum in her mouth. It went something like this: chomp, cry, chomp, cry, chomp, sob, chomp, cry, chomp, sob, sob, sob, chomp, chomp, chomp. It was a bit fishy that she was able to maintain a constant chew while crying and sobbing simultaneously. The giant wad of gum was really distracting and disturbing to look at. (SEE EXHIBIT C)

EXHIBIT C: Artist's rendering of the distracting wad of gum

I considered following her when she exited the highway to see where The Ride of Sadness would end, but alas, I did not. Instead, I chose the path of the unknown. I will never find out why she was crying, nor will I know her fate.

Since I'm sure I've piqued your curiosity and your imagination with this fascinating tale from the road, do share with me your ideas and theories about the mysterious crying woman in the car behind me.