September 14, 2005

Letters from the Ladies Room

Dear Coughing Person,

Guess what? I know you're shitting. Coughing does not disguise what is going on behind the stall door. I'm sorry if I broke your concentration when I entered the restroom, but I have needs, too. You probably waited a long time for everyone to disappear before you started on your number two, and I came in and ruined your necessary solitude. If you hadn't coughed, I wouldn't have even known you were here, except for The Smell. Even that, I would've assumed, came from someone who'd just left. I'll try to get in and out of here as quickly as I can so you can get back to business.

Best of luck,
Danielle

Dear Person Who Doesn't Have The Decency To Cough,

I just ate lunch, thanks very much. I wasn't really banking on hearing a series of plops, grunts, and sighs when all I had to do was make a little tinkle, but you just do whatever you need to do. Forget I'm even here. Oh, right, you already have.

Sincerely,
Danielle

p.s. In the future, please consider coughing.

Dear Toilet Seat Coverer,

Hey, I feel you. Those paper seat covers don't give you proper protection from the germs and bacteria of other people's nether regions. I understand. Can I just ask one favor? Could you, like, make sure you don't leave a carpet of t.p. on the floor after you're done? It's not fun to wade through and it's definitely not fair to make the restroom custodians clean it up. Figure out a way to make sure it all gets in the toilet with your foot or something before you flush, k?

Gratefully,
Danielle

Dear Seat Pee-er,

Ew. If you get that much pee on the seat, I can only imagine how much ends up running down your leg! Don't deny it, either, because I see it on the floor, too. If your squat-aim isn't that good, consider covering the seat with paper, or maybe you shouldn't leave the house without a travel-sized bottle of disinfectant and a couple of paper towels in your purse. No one likes a seat pee-er.

Regards,
Danielle

Dear Overzealous Soap Dispenser Person,

I appreciate your attention to good hygiene, but save some for the rest of us.

Yours truly,
Danielle

Dear Sink Soaker,

My sleeve hates you.

From,
Danielle

Dear Super Fast Hand Washer,

Why bother? Didn't anyone ever tell you that the proper amount of time to wash your hands to remove bacteria and germs is equal to the amount of time it takes to sing the "Happy Birthday" song? Consider yourself educated. And for god's sake, turn off the water with a paper towel.

Warmly,
Danielle

Dear Towel Waster,

You annoy me.

From,
Danielle

Dear Makeup And Hair Fixer,

You look fine. Please move so I can wash my hands. No, your ass does not look fat in those pants. Now move. How many times are you going to go over your bottom lip with that gloss? MOVE, I SAID!

Sincerely,
Danielle

Dear Friends Having Loud Conversations In Adjacent Stalls,

No one cares how many Appletinis you drank this weekend, or how many hot guys hit on you. No one wants to hear your story about that bitch Ashley who was talking to the guy you liked at the bar and how you got so mad you ended up going home with his best friend for revenge. You're embarrassing yourself. Stop trying to get attention. You might want to start working on your "daddy issues." Until then, quiet down.

Thanks,
Danielle

Oh, no. Ah no no no. The reason you DO NOT EVER COUGH when pooping in a public restroom is that if you cough, you might relax (a là sneeze) too much and the poop will shoot out like a tiny brown rocket, hitting the water with the velocity of a Japanese bullet train and causing the dreaded... backsplash. No one wants toilet water on their ass, especially poopy toilet water.

Or the guy standing at the urinal not using his hands. That's what soap and water are for. Not using your hands makes me think there's not much to flop around. I don't WANT to think about that, but I'm sorta forced to think it.

public poopers: two words -- courtesy flush. as soon as you let go, even if you're not done, flush it. sure, it's wasteful, but it'll save your neighbors from the nastiest of the stench thus saving you a bit of embarrassment. k?

toilet talkers: people on cellphones in the toilet make me want to start ripping thunder-clap style farts. if someone ever has the nerve to toilet talk to me and i figure it out, i'm hanging up. and they end up on my....shit list.

yay, poop!

This post made me think of something. I see that you listen to Sirius - do you ever listen to Derek and Romaine on OutQ? They have had some hilarious discussions of public bathrooms and the mysterious sirius pisser.

I am totally addicted to that channel. Michaelangelo Signorile cracks my shit up! I even called in one day to the show and he put me on the air.

How have I not heard the discussion of the mysterious pisser?

OK, what about the teeth brushers AND the flossers?!? I was in the restroom of a restaurant in Boston a few weeks ago and I went to the bathroom and one of the two sinks was taken by a customer who brushed her teeth. After I returned to the table, my friend went to the bathroom and that same woman was flossing her teeth! EEWWWW!! GROSS!!!!!

To the two ladies who decided they need to take massive BMs in the stalls on both sides of me at the same time, Thank You. This past week at work I had to take a huge dump mid-morning. We have a nice 6 stall bathroom, but it is fairly small, with the stalls sort of close together. Anyway, as soon as I get in the empty bathroom (yeah!) and close the stall door, I hear one woman come in and hear the click of her heels go into the stall on my left, and then another woman goes into the stall on my right. As if I was listening to some sort of surround-sound stereo, they seemed to simultaenously take seat covers out of the box and arrange the seat. I was torn between gagging and silently laughing - Thank you for both taking an absolutely foul dump! It was as if neither one of you realized there was anyone else in the bathroom. Thank you lady with the slacks and black pumps for all of your straining! Thank you lady with the blue heels for all of your proud farting! and I thought the mornings were slower for pooping!