August 11, 2005

smaller

I've always had a hate-hate relationship with my body. The older I get, the worse it becomes. I talk a lot about my aversion to society's obsession with rail-thin "beauty" and I stand behind that, but it doesn't mean I can look in the mirror and feel all kinds of gorgeous.

The fact is, I want to be smaller. I want smaller everything. Smaller boobs, smaller tummy, smaller ass. My body is designed to have soft, feminine curves. I can't change that, and that's fine. But it doesn't stop me from flipping channels and pages of magazines, wondering what it would be like to look like THAT. Honestly, I'm getting sick and tired of feeling this way.

When I want something, I go for it. I'm relentless in my pursuit for things that matter to me and I rarely fail. Anything I've ever wanted to achieve, I've done. Which is why I don't understand why I can't reach this goal. I talk a good talk when it comes to giving advice or telling other people what to do, but I can't do this one thing for myself. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that if I lose 25 pounds and get into better shape, "all my dreams will come true," but I do think I'll feel a little bit better about myself. I have a constant internal dialogue going on in my head and all of it comes back to one word: smaller.

So why is this so hard for me? Why can't I just do it? I find myself embarrassed at times to tell people I'm vegan, because I feel like I don't live up to my own healthy lifestyle. It's not that I care what other people think, it's that I have to face the truth that I'm not walking around in the slim, healthy body I've always wanted but have never achieved.

Maybe by putting these thoughts in writing and making them public, I'm making myself more accountable for this truth. A pledge of sorts? I don't know. What I do know is that I have to stop thinking about and talking about it and just do the fucking work it will take. I don't ~~have to~~ want to lose a lot of weight, and it isn't even about a number of pounds, really. It isn't even about looking a certain way, although that ~~would be~~ will be nice. It's about accomplishing this one thing I've never been able to achieve. I know what I have to do:

1. I refuse to "diet." I'm going to continue to eat what I like and what's good for me.
2. No more refined sugar. I know this is what's holding me back so I have to just cut it out.
3. No more processed carbohydrates - bread, pasta. I love whole grains, but carbs are my go-to comfort foods. How comfortable is hating my body, though?
4. Cut back on the portions. I know I keep eating not because I'm hungry, but because it tastes good and it's there.

It's time for me to stop blabbering on and on about all of this and feeling like a victim in my own body. I'm okay admitting that I have these insecurities but they're becoming such an issue in my life that they're paralyzing me. I have to do something about it, now, because I'm the only one who can.

I don't know what you look like or know you that well so I won't even try to comment your body image.

When I first became vegan, I lost about 5 pounds after being not quite fat, but I'd call it squishy. But I was still heavier than I had been in the past. (Part of the reason is that I sit on my ass in front of this computer a large portion of the day.) After my SO and I had some stress-related health issues and got thorough check ups, our doctor recommended that we stop eating white rice, pasta, and bread and start eating brown rice, whole-wheat pasta, and only 100% whole grain breads. We also love our carbs, and eat rice nearly every day. So we decided we'd clean up our diet a bit. We switched from white to brown carbs, stopped snacking on potato chips and tried to eat as much fruit as possible, cut down on beer (only on Friday and Saturday now), tried to avoid high fructose corn syrup as much as possible, and also cut down on all sodas, diet and regular. After tweaking our diet like that - not cutting down on portions or exercising more - I lost 5-6 more pounds and my SO lost 15.

Carbs are not evil in and of themselves. Processed carbs are. Eat lots of fresh veggies and fruit, and still eat your whole grain carbs.

I read a few of Neal Barnard's books (like the 4 new food gropus) and they really helped me understand what I was doing wrong. The basic recommendation is eat as much as you like, as long as it is whole grain, whole food (fresh fruit and veggies) and limit adding fats and fatty fake meats (some tofu is high in fat, some isn't. Seitan usually isn't.).

Sorry for the long comment. And btw, curves are beautiful.

I heart you!

I could not agree with you more. It's like, I don't eat ANY fast food, I don't drink, I eat fresh fruits and veggies and whole grains every day, and yet I'm not shrinking the way I would like. I told Tony, my SO, that I want to remain curvy, I just don't want to be LUMPY.

I know that the refined sugars and white carbs, like you said, are what's holding me back. I eat lots of raw foods every day, and good proteins and fats, but the processed carbs are storing all kinds of fat in my bod. I have a treadmill and now we live in a beautiful neighborhood on a lake, so increasing my activity level will be easy. My job is one where I never sit down, so that's a good thing.

At one time, I weighed 215 pounds. I have lost close to 50 pounds since that day, and I refuse to go back. Becoming vegan was one of the best things I have ever done for myself and I wish I had made that decision sooner in my life. Now that I'm much healthier than I once was, I am ready to shed the last vestiges of my fat (and formerly miserable) self and get the body I've always wanted. I know that might sound shallow, but it's true. I've always been the "cute, funny friend" in my social circles and at 35, I'm just tired of it.

You can leave long comments on my blog anytime!

Aww, thanks!

I agree - being vegan is such a great step in getting healthy and it has made me feel so much better. I'm so impressed that you lost 50 pounds! Congratulations!

I think with your determination, treadmill, and tweaking of diet you'll be on your way to being less "lumpy." : )

you are sooooo not alone. i feel the same way. i used to work in a petstore, carrying 25lb bags of rabbit and dog food to people's cars for them. right now, i could stand to lose a bag of rabbit food. and DAMN those bags were heavy.

body image is such a screwed up thing. i know that i have thought i was fat when i was 160 and when i was 115 pounds. right now i'm hovering around 140 and pretty comfortable in my skin. but even now when hormones shift i'll feel like a cow and yet intellectually know that my body is the same as it was the day before. men should have to experience hormonal shifts. i have no doubt if i didn't pay attention to what i was eating, my weight could creep up again. damn whole foods and their vegan chocolate chip cookies!

That internal, negative voice is difficult to get rid of. And it can be there, no matter how much you weight. My approach has been to work on changing that voice, making it more positive and less critical, while also trying to eat a healthy diet.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes I struggle. Such is life.

On a side note, I'm vegetarian, but I wonder sometimes whether being vegan isn't the best choice for me. I don't think I'm quite ready for it, though.