I think by now we've all seen examined the photos of Clay in the Entertainment Weekly article this week.
I've managed to pull myself up from the floor long enough to create this poll.
Come on, now, challenge your mind. You can select only one, so choose wisely. Oh, hell, you can come back and vote for all of them if you want. They're just so dang di ding HOT!
Can you guess which one is my favorite?
Once again, I�m stealing blog ideas from Gump and riding Sandy�s wave. I prefer to think of this not as �plagiarism� but as �inspiration.�
Here�s my list of 33 songs...one for every year I�ve been alive. I�m going to try to put them in chronological order, but each song doesn�t correlate with a precise year. Some songs have meaning, others I just like.
1. Daddy�s Little Girl - ?
My dad used to sing this to me when I was a little girl. Every girl should be raised by a dad like mine. His face would light up the moment he saw me. It wasn�t a perverse adoration. My dad just thinks I am the smartest, funniest and most beautiful girl on the planet. Not a day goes by when he doesn�t tell me that. He�s the reason I like myself so much.
2. Just A Gigolo - Louis Prima
Growing up, my family lived in a double ~ we lived in the upstairs flat and my grandparents lived in the apartment downstairs. The doors were always open and we ate dinner together every night. On Wednesdays and Sundays my grandmother would make a huge pot of spaghetti sauce. It would simmer on the stove all day. She never uses a recipe. My cousin Charles and I have gone to her house on separate occasions to watch her make sauce. She makes it differently every time and it always tastes the same.
My grandfather had a huge collection of record albums, mostly artists like Louis Prima, Keely Smith, Jerry Vale and Dean Martin. We would sit in the television room with a tape player and he would record me singing and talking. I can still remember what the microphone looked and smelled like and the way the electricity from it tickled my lips.
Just a Gigolo was my favorite song to sing. Every Sunday my entire family would come for dinner and I would be placed on the dining room table to sing and dance. Everyone clapped along and sang. Sundays were happy and loving.
3. Zooma Zooma - Louis Prima
My grandmother used to sing this song in the kitchen. She sang lullabies in Italian. I�ve always wished that she hadn�t become so American and held on to some of her childhood traditions. My grandmother is called Evelyn. Her given name is Antonina. Her sister Anna thought that name was too �ethnic� to be successful with jobs and boys, so she just went and changed it. She�s been Evvie ever since. I can still hear my grandfather�s voice calling her by that name.
The day he died, I was upstairs getting ready to go to the opera company for work. I was wearing a brown skirt. I heard my grandmother wailing. Everyone else in the house was asleep because it was a holiday ~ Veteran�s Day. I ran downstairs and saw my grandfather slumped in his chair at the kitchen table. Steam was still rising from the cup of coffee my grandmother had placed in front of him. He had just come in from shoveling snow in the driveway. I picked him up under the shoulders and laid him gently on the floor. My mom and brother came running downstairs. I called 911.
My grandmother ran into the living room and was yelling, �NO! NO, CHUCK! YOU CAN�T LEAVE ME YET! IT�S NOT TIME!� She couldn�t be in the room watching him die. My brother tried to give him CPR, but I could tell it was futile. He gasped twice and his chest heaved. I saw his pantleg become wet. I knew what was happening. I stood back quietly and waited for the end. It was peaceful. The last look I saw on his face was one of satisfaction. He lived a good life. I went into the living room to hug my grandma. The paramedics came.
The next thing I remember is receiving a phone call saying that my grandfather arrived at the hospital dead on arrival. I felt sick. I never went to his funeral because I was laying on my back in an operating room watching the anaesthesia mask coming down over my nose and mouth. I still dream about him and hear his voice.
4. A Spoonful of Sugar - Julie Andrews
I loved Mary Poppins. I wanted to be Mary Poppins.
5. Puppy Love - Donny Osmond
Donny Osmond was the first boy to give me butterflies and cause me to cry myself to sleep. He wouldn�t be the last.
6. The Most Beautiful Girl in the World - Charlie Rich
I went to private Catholic school my entire life. I didn�t take a school bus and my friends didn�t live in my neighborhood. My mom or dad drove me to school every day, until the year we began carpooling with two other families. In the morning, my dad would listen to AM radio. This is one of the songs I will always remember. My mom bought me the 45.
Whenever I tune the radio to an AM station, I am instantly transported to the black Ford LTD with the slippery seats and rhythmic turn signal. I can still feel the grooves of the volume dial and the resistance of the tuner�s memory push buttons under my fingers.
I can�t pass the zoo without feeling like the small child sitting on that enormous bench seat listening to AM radio watching the sun peek through the trees of the park on my way to school.
7. The Unicorn - from the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Soundtrack (poem by Shel Silverstein)
My brother was a restless baby. He had colic and never slept. My dad would turn on this record every night, pick up my brother and walk him around with my brother�s head on his shoulder for hours. It would settle him. My dad would chant softly to my brother, �Oh my little boy...�
When my brother finally fell asleep, my dad would put him in his bed and lay next to him with one foot on the floor. If my brother woke up, my dad would pick him up and walk him some more. My dad is the most selfless person I know.
8. Isn�t She Lovely - Stevie Wonder
I owned �Songs in the Key of Life� on double cassette as a kid. I listened to Stevie, Blood Sweat and Tears and Chicago. I also had a huge collection of 45s that included ELO and Debby Boone. They�re in my attic in a Mickey Mouse 45 holder.
9. Color My World - Chicago
I taught myself to play the flute solo from this song by ear. I think this was the same year I obsessively created artistic renditions of album covers by Journey, REO Speedwagon and Split Enz to hang on my bedroom wall.
10. Suite in A Minor - Telleman
This was the first solo piece I played competitively. In competition, I had to play a rehearsed piece (this one), demonstrate proficiency at scales and play a short piece from sight. I was average at scales, bombed out on the sight reading and nailed the Suite. My overall score was decent but I never made it from the local to the state level as a flutist. I played weddings instead.
11. Beat It - Michael Jackson
I am embarrassed to say I was once attracted to the King of Freaks. I once licked a television set while his video was playing.
12. Every Breath You Take - The Police
This band is singlehandedly responsible for the evolution of Joe Paradox.
13. Dear Prudence - The Beatles
In my early teens, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Records. Records were all I wanted. I asked for three Beatles albums, including the White Album, and a variety of musicals. I spent endless hours in my room listening, reading liner notes and examining cover art and pictures. I spent a lot of time by myself back then.
14. Don�t Go - Yaz
The high school dancing song. Seana and Peter danced in front of Sheri�s fireplace and looked each other directly in the eye as they sang the words. Seana, have you heard from him? I stood back and watched other people connecting and wondered why it wasn�t happening to me. There was nothing romantic about Seana and Peter�s connection. It just was. Then Fran came along. Click. We spooned on the third floor of Sheri�s house. I was 15.
15. Melt With You - Modern English
My junior prom theme song. Guess who my date was? Fran. I wore a white dress and looked every inch the good Catholic school girl.
We rode in a rented Bentley and drank strawberry wine coolers. They were disgusting. After the prom, more than twenty of us drove around on a chartered bus for several hours because we couldn�t get over the border into Canada.
Peter brought whippets - which is a very dangerous and stupid way to get high. A balloon is filled with the stuff that makes cans of whipped cream go pshhhhhhh (nice description). One sucks the contents of the balloon into the lungs. You become very light headed and dizzy. It lasts about 30 seconds. This was a stupid thing to do, but we were Catholic school kids. We did lots of stupid things just because we could.
16. Domine Fili Unigenite - Vivaldi (Gloria in D Major)
I went to a single-sex high school. It had its advantages and disadvantages. There was no gender comparison, but there was lots of competition. Our brother school was located down the street. During last period, many girls could be found in the lavatories primping in case they ran into a certain boy on the street after dismissal. That�s so ass.
During my senior year, I auditioned and was accepted into the high school choir hosted by the boys� school. This was my favorite piece to sing. It made me bounce. I regret being so badass that year. And I was mild in comparison to some of my badass friends. I wanted to take the music seriously but I didn�t.
Once I insisted on driving my own car to an away performance instead of taking the yellow bus with the majority of the choir. Jenny and I smoked cigarettes and got lost on the way. We were late for the performance. The choir director was more than disappointed in us. Jenny didn�t care, but I did. I stopped being so badass after that because I really didn�t want to be tough. I really wanted to be a choir geek.
I got to be a choir geek my freshman year of college. It felt good.
17. Everything Counts - Depeche Mode
This song reminds me of the many roadtrips I took with Fran in my white Mazda 323.
The best memory I have of this song is when we drove to Baltimore to visit our friend Chris. Chris had these lyrics pasted to his refrigerator to remind his roommates to keep their grubby paws off his things, �...the grabbing hands...grab all they can...� In Baltimore, Chris introduced me to the Indigo Girls CD for the first time. We drove around Baltimore and looked at sites where John Waters movies were filmed. Then we went back to Chris� apartment and I had a breakdown. It wasn�t the first one, but it was the last. I�d had one once before in the car with Fran after we went to Shakespeare in the Park. I just started to cry and couldn�t stop. I was sobbing. I couldn�t articulate why but I knew it was a safe place to release. I felt the same thing in Baltimore. I let the waterworks come. Fran and Chris just sat and held me until they stopped. There was no need for talking. They went out dancing that night and I stayed in the apartment, listening to music and thinking.
The next morning we drove to DC for the day. I thought I was the big expert on this city because I had been there several times before. Of course, we couldn�t find the car when it was time to leave. We walked around for over an hour looking for my car. Of course, Fran ran into a college friend. He can be in any city anywhere in the world and run into someone he knows. He�s a very engaging person. People love him.
Anyway, it was so f�n hot in DC that we spent the day walking around and jumping in every fountain we could find. We knew they were probably laden with gallons of urine, but we didn�t give a crap. It was so hot. Chris� European wannabe roommate Noel and his annoying French girlfriend Pascal joined us. I tried to talk to her in French, but she was having none of it. So Fran, Chris and I spent our time deliberately trying to annoy the lovebirds and being as obnoxiously American as possible. Kate Hudson would have been disgusted with us. F you, Kate Hudson.
18. Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
The first Indigo Girls song I really loved. Thanks, Chris. I�m much more partial to �Galileo� now. Amy and I changed the lyrics from �Jonas and Ezekial� to �Jonas and Radicchio� but �Closer to Fine� will always be one of my favorite songs ever.
Amy, her boyfriend at the time Doug, Fran and I went to an Indigo Girls concert together. We hung around the stage door until they came out to say hey and get an autograph. Fran had just come out and was feeling the love that night. He ran up to Amy Ray and embraced her for the longest time. Then he talked her ear off. Amy and I were mute, but we did get to see the cool tattoo on her arm close up.
19. Chelsea Morning - Joni Mitchell
This song just reminds me of my first apartment. I lived with my best friend Amy. We shared a bedroom and clothes. Our share of the rent was $134 each. We listened to this song every morning while we got ready for class. Our apartment smelled like incense and macaroni and cheese.
20. Jacob and Sons - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Amy and I listened to this song relentlessly in college. I converted Amy into a musical theater junkie when we shared an apartment in college. I wrote a huge ass paper for my Bible as Literature course comparing the text of the Bible to the lyrics of the musical. I think I got an A- on that paper.
Several years ago I saw Donny Osmond play Joseph in the show in Toronto. Twice. Rock on with that loincloth action.
21. Hello, Little Girl - Into the Woods
At this time, my favorite musical was Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. I was regularly making theater weekend trips to New York City with Fran and Eric. In the car, we invented the game of changing words in the titles of musicals with filthy replacements. This game went on for days and days.
Sometimes we�d see the same show and other times we�s split up and see shows on our own. I pretended I was a cool New Yorker hopping on the cool subway and going down to the cool Village for the afternoon to see a cool off-Broadway show. Had I actually lived in New York on the salary I was making at the time, I�d have been living in a tenement and eating dirty cardboard for dinner every night.
I should also mention that Amy and I reinacted this song once at her parents� house. I was the wolf and she was Little Red Riding Hood. I wore a mink stole and a fedora. She had the hood and a little basket. The next day we went tubing off her parents� sailboat.
22. Giants in the Sky - Into the Woods
Fran kicks this song�s ass.
23. Tell Me It�s Not True - Blood Brothers
I saw this show in London with Michelle the year we lived in France. It is still my favorite musical of all time. Kiki Dee played the mom in the London show and I saw it again in New York with Carole King.
I�m a celebrity name dropper, by the way. I love celebrity encounters. Once I bumped directly into Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid on the street in New York. I wasn�t really paying attention to where I was going so after I realized who I just knocked into, I screamed, �Oh my GOD! I just bumped into Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid!� Smooth. I followed Dianne Wiest through a toy store where her daughter was getting her hair cut. I shook Richard Dreyfuss� hand and saw Glenn Close and Gene Hackman close up. I entered a theater once on the heels of Lucie Arnaz. I stalked Emeril Lagasse and had him sign all my cookbooks. I�m sure there�s more but I bet you�re rolling your eyes right now, so I�ll stop.
Yeah, so Blood Brothers. Best show ever.
24. A Song for You - The Carpenters
The Karen Carpenter Story is the best and worst made-for-TV movie ever. I have seen it almost as many times as I have seen Waiting for Guffman. I searched two cities for a CD or cassette that had this song on it in 1990. I found it at House of Guitars in Rochester, New York. I hold a microphone like Karen Carpenter because of this song.
25. Constant Craving - k.d. lang
This song was popular at a time in my life when I started to find my independence. I was living in an apartment with two friends, working and performing for a theater school and getting my master�s degree. I had a circle of friends that were really fun. I learned to make quilts and became interested in home repair projects. I started cooking. I became less of a girl and more of a woman.
26. Summer, Highland Falls - Billy Joel
I listened to Turnstiles so many times the summer of my twenty-second year, it was ridiculous. That was the year I made a really big decision that led to more big decisions which really weren�t the right decisions to make.
27. Waterloo - Abba
This song and the whole Abba Gold album remind me of Amy. I don�t know why.
Amy is the only person who can blatantly point out my flaws to me and make me laugh about it. I�ve become much less defensive and more honest thanks to her. There are two people on this earth who know almost everything about me and how I tick. She�s one of them. She gets me...good or bad...she gets me.
28. What Would Brian Boitano Do? - the boys from South Park
It�s just brilliant, that�s all. The song, the soundtrack, the whole f�n thing.
29. True Companion - Marc Cohn
I always wanted this.
30. Eh, Cumpari - Julius La Rosa
My entire family sings this song in unison at family functions. Now that we have a karaoke machine, it�s much worse because we�re amplified.
31. Babylon - David Gray
This song doesn�t really mean anything to me other than it�s one of the few CDs I bought because I heard the music and liked it. I�m a Suggestion Buyer. I buy CDs and books based on recommendations I get from friends or reviews. This one I bought on my own.
32. Feel - Robbie Williams
A recent recommendation. It fits.
33. Somebody - Depeche Mode
This song doesn�t really fit here chronologically, because I�ve loved it for a long time. I�ve been listening to music a lot lately. I like to sing. This is one of two songs I�ve been singing where my stagy Broadway voice doesn't come out. The voice that comes out is mine.
33 2/3. To Love Somebody - Clay Aiken
You just knew he�d be on the list, now. This was my favorite song he sang on American Idol, and in general, I think it�s a beautiful song. I like the Bee Gees. Bite me.
Remember I once said I would never talk about my job on my blog?
I lied.
Today we held our annual Open House to welcome students. In my school, we are the only instructional staff. Most of the building consists of district offices and renters.
There is a Christian group that rents space to hold Sunday services in the school auditorium.
Incidentally, it is the same auditorium on whose stage I portrayed Dolly Levi in the musical "Hello, Dolly" my senior year in high school. I remember having to make fast costume changes in what is now the faculty lunch room. Weird.
The Sunday Christian People have taken the liberty of adorning the walls of the school auditorium with banners proclaiming their faith.
Luckily my fantastic assistant discovered these asshat banners before 216 families waltzed through the doors for the welcome assembly.
She called down the hall, "Has anyone seen what's hanging in the auditorium? 'We Are One In Christ'? Um, I don't think so."
I f'n love her.
Obviously these banners would be uncool at a public school meeting. Everyone hemmed and hawed about whether or not we had the authority to remove them.
I marched my ass into the auditorium and ripped the friggin' things right down. They were fastened with velcro. I folded them and placed them on a chair backstage. The Bible Thumpers can find them and hang them back up themselves. Those things have no place in my school.
On that note, here's a picture of one of the high school mascots, which hangs in the hall outside the Physical Education Department office...located in my school.
Thanks to Melissa for finding the magazine picture.
Random things about me...
1. I can shoot spit from under my tongue. I am pretty confident my range is somewhere between 5-10 feet.
2. My shoe size is 8.
3. I've never worn braces on my teeth. One of my wisdom teeth came in. I can feel another beginning to poke through my gum.
4. I love Shaker, Mission and Arts and Crafts style.
5. I collect kitchen gadgets and subscribe to Gourmet magazine, but I don't cook every day. I've been having pickles for dinner lately.
6. My toenails are red and I wear a silver toe ring on the second toe of my left foot.
7. I'm a Capricorn. I was born January 14, 1970.
8. I love cosmetics.
9. When I'm sitting at my computer, I put my feet up on my printer.
10. The very first CD I ever bought was Sting's "The Dream of the Blue Turtles." I still have it.
11. My first kiss was a horrible experience.
12. I love beets and rutabaga.
13. Every girl should be raised by a dad like mine. My dad's the bomb.
14. When I was younger, I used to drink root beer, hold my brother down, spit over his face and suck it back up just before the spit landed on him. He got big and kicked my ass around.
15. I have two sleep patterns...I'm up every hour, or I'm dead to the world. Usually, it's the former. When I lived in France, the divided shadow box full of trinkets on the wall over my bed fell off the wall, broke the headboard of the bed and landed on my face. I slept right through it.
16. I love the rain.
17. I haven't gotten a moving violation in over ten years. I have gotten many parking tickets, however.
18. I failed my road test the first time. I cried. My mom wouldn't let me stay home from school.
19. I make statements, create theories and spout generalizations which I frequently retract.
20. I am an elementary school teacher.
Here's how pathetic I am.
When I joined diaryland, I spent tons and tons of time reading random and not so random blogs. My buddy list grew like a fricking beanstalk.
The problem is, I can't keep up with all the blogs I've got bookmarked. and the red highlights on my buddy list just scream, "COME ON, DANIELLE! READ US!"
Having been raised Catholic, I have major guilt about removing people from my buddy list, because I don't want them to feel bad. Actually, it's pretty damn egotistical of me to think people even give a rat's ass whether or not I take them off my favorites. So I just pretend it's Catholic guilt instead.
I've decided be a grown up and just scale down my list. Sandy cleansed herself recently...she's my inspiration. I'm limiting myself to ten blogs on my buddy list. I can deal with ten.
I just know if the red highlights aren't staring me in the face, I can get a lot more work done.
Like chatting on AIM.
It's a good thing I like my friend Gump so much, because the fade effect on his blog is really pissing me off.
He redeemed himself with another one of his nifty links.
I just have one complaint.
Nougat is misspelled.
I just think if you're going to have a battle cry, it should be spelled correctly.
You know what I hate?
Women whose fingernails are so long they can't even hold a pen or pencil.
I just hate that.
Voice aside, do you know what I think set Clay apart from many of the other contestants on American Idol? He had an ability to handle pressure and criticism with dignity.
We all remember the "You Doh I Don't..." part of "Tell Her About It." I didn't realize it happened until I watched the episode again for the thirty-seventh time. He never lost his cool.
During the Vincident, even when it was obvious that the song was not going as it should, Clay held his head up and finished the song. Hey, unexpected things happen on stage. True artists keep going no matter what, unless someone is bleeding or dying. They don't have temper tantrums and go off on a rant, like I once heard Casey Kasem do on the radio because he didn't like a song segue. Asshat.
Even when Mr. Man Boobs was calling him names and criticizing him, Clay was nothing more than a gentleman. Even his snark was adorable. When he told Simon "Build Me Up Buttercup" was, in fact, a BRITISH song...I wanted to kiss him on the lips! Okay, I want to kiss him on the lips all the time, but go with me on this one.
You will NOT believe what I heard on the radio today.
The local piece of crap Top 40 radio station was giving away a free trip to New York City and tickets to the MTV Music Awards. It was the dumbest contest I've ever heard. The DJs just sat in their smelly old booth and rolled dice until 9 of the 10 contestants were disqualified due to low numbers.
Okay, no. First off, I'm a conspiracy theorist. All I could think was, how do we know those are REALLY the numbers they rolled? Secondly, they were giving away a FREE F'N TRIP TO NYC! At least make the contestants work for the opportunity to go!
Jeez, when they gave away backstage passes to American Idols Live The Clay Aiken Show, they practically made people sign over their first born child for the chance. They interviewed Clay on the radio and asked him all these questions about a "special girl." Questions about hair color and length, eye color, and even a name! The person who fit the exact description won the passes.
But a free trip to NYC is given away with a roll of a die. At least play craps or something. Makes no sense.
So get THIS.
One of the callers trying to win this dice trip was actually waiting in line to audition for American Idol 3 in New York City. The DJs asked her a bunch of questions about the audition process, blah blah blah. She said she had to sleep on the street in line last night and hoped to get in for an audition by 4 pm. Boo dee fricking hoo.
The DJs asked her what she would be singing for her audition. Here's where it gets bad. Really bad.
She couldn't remember the name of the song. If she's this nervous talking on the phone to two second rate DJs from upstate New York, how does she think she will fare in front of MAN BOOBS? She will get eaten alive.
Finally, she remembered what song she was singing.
Disclaimer: I have many friends under the age of 27. However, I consider anyone under the age of 27 to be fodder for my ranting and raving about "kids today" and lectures about the way things were "Back In The Day." If you are under the age of 27 and I know you, please do not take the forthcoming rant personally.
This girl was 23 or 24 years old. I remember listening to her talk and thinking, "Thank GOD she'll be too old to audition for this shiznit next year." She told the DJs that she will be singing a Lee Ann Rimes song.
They asked her if she would be singing "How Do I Live (Without You)."
She replied, "Oh, no. I'm going to sing..."
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE."
Oh, no she didn't. Oh, yes she did.
First of all, kid, that is NOT a Lee Ann F'n Rimes song.
It was sung by DEBBY BOONE! B side - Hasta Manana! And I have the 45 to prove it.
I bet she doesn't even know what a 45 is.
Last night I attended the wildest wedding ever.
Before I describe this event, I must give mad props to my girls
Katie (and her brother Jim)
and Roseann.
These are real life friends who read my blog regularly. Katie has informed me that my blogging has not been frequent enough for her liking, so I’m going to make a concerted effort to update and be prolific for her benefit. Katie deserves this kind of attention, because she is the friend who, in the Raleigh airport, spent her time thinking of how she would get in contact with me immediately from her cell phone should she bump into one Clay Aiken by chance. Now THAT is a friend.
So. The wedding. Sean married Tara. Sean has been one of my brother’s best friends since high school. This group of guys is so tight, they make the Queen Mum look like a brazen hussy. At the ceremony, Sean sang with his best man, John. John is a trained opera singer and Sean is an accomplished vocalist. OH MY GOD. PEOPLE WERE CRYING. THAT’S HOW GOOD THEY ARE. You’ve never heard harmonies echoing through vaulted ceilings until you’ve heard these two sing together. I got chills. Come on, dawg! Danielle gettin’ chills!
The wedding started out all civilized. Look at these civilized pictures of my civilized family.
Isn’t my brother cute?
Too bad he and the rest of the groomsmen looked like The F’n Sopranos in their black suits.
Actually, they looked quite handsome in black suits - perfect for hiding blood stains. My brother said not to worry about that, because he, of course, would have the plastic garbage bag over HIS suit during a hit.
My brother’s funny.
Then all hell broke loose.
It all started at dinner. Our lovely table included lovely people.
My sister-in-law, Kelly.
Katie the Goddess With the Fabulous Shoes
Rachael and Billy
Roseann and Chuck
Beth (her husband Kevin was in the wedding party)
and
Myself as Dr. Evil
There was an empty seat at our table. The first thing out of Chuck’s mouth was, “What were the dinner choices again?” We told him sea bass or filet mignon. Chuck said, “Looks like I’m having surf and turf tonight!” The servers came around and put a salad on the empty plate. We were encouraged. It looked like Chuck’s two-wedding-meals-dream was about to become a reality. And then it happened.
While the main course was being distributed, the server came to our table and asked the dreaded question, “Is anyone sitting here?”
Oh no! What do we say? In a split second, three things happened.
1. I looked up at Mr. I’m Having Surf and Turf Tonight.
2. Mr. Surf and Turf looked at me like a deer in headlights.
3. Beth saved the day.
Beth, in a calm, cool and collected tone, said simply, “Fish. The person is having fish.”
The server was satisfied and went to get the plate.
At this time, we all burst into hysterical peals of laughter.
We acted like kids who just stuffed a big cookie in our mouths two minutes before dinner. Even though the country club servers could CARE LESS, we felt like we had gotten away with something BIG. Hey, we all went to Catholic school, put us together and it’s one big ass guilt fest. My brother contributed to the shock value by stating one of the bridesmaids didn’t get a meal because the kitchen ran out of fish by the time the head table was served. Ha!
Amused by our own shenanigans, we gave the empty chair a character. Mary Camusso was her name, stealing Katie’s clothes was her game.
During dinner, we annihilated Mary’s plate. Mr. Surf and Turf ate her fish. Rachel doled out the rice
and I ate Mary’s asparagus.
Here’s Mary’s plate at the end of dinner.
Between dinner and dessert, Chuck and Beth had some time to spend hanging out with Mary and enjoying her company. Chuck was getting a little fresh, if you ask me.
My brother ate Mary’s cake while she was in the ladies’ room
and Beth helped eat the raspberry filling. Mary doesn’t like filling anyway. Beth fed Mary a new piece of cake, because I think Mary was a little pissed my brother ate the first one.
We raised our glasses to Mary for being such a good sport.
After dinner, the dancing began. Kelly had the DJ dedicate a song to Mary. Here’s Mary rocking out on the dance floor.
I think Mary got tired and went home at this point, because we didn’t see her again after that.
However, we did see some bidnezz happening on that dance floor.
I never knew there were so many songs written about asses.
Apparently, removing articles of clothing can turn into a fun game.
See what happens is, the clothing gets stuck in a chandelier. When it’s clear that the article of clothing is not going to break free without pulling the entire electrical system from the ceiling, the item becomes a servicable tool for the “limbo dance.”
John’s parents obliged the screaming crowd with their usual “She Bangs” dance duet. They rock. Hard.
Unfortunately, Jazz Hands were only seen at the dinner table, and not on the dance floor.
Damn. I loves me some jazz hands.
Okay. Now.
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the hilarity that would ensue when Bon Jovi began to blare from the sound system. The speakers vibrated with what is, apparently, the Holy Grail of wedding songs. Thus began...air instrumentation.
First, Chuck hit the air guitar.
Kevin rocked out on the air drums.
Rachael and I were groupies.
Suddenly, I looked over my shoulder. Serendipity struck. I saw out of the corner of my eye, a full fledged AIR BAND rocking out on the east side of the dance floor.
I literally pushed people out of the way so I could get this phenomenon on film. The band started out big. There were three men and two women. Like most bands, they had differences about what kinds of songs they would record, and of course, some of the members went off to pursue solo projects. Mid song, the band was reduced to the three men.
Once the guitar solo began playing, everyone moved aside for the King of All Air Guitars to do his thang.
At one point, this dude was actually airborne.
I could not believe my eyes. The only thing I didn’t get on film (because I was laughing too hard to hold the camera steady) was the point at which he actually LAID ON THE FLOOR ON HIS BACK AND PLAYED RIFFS. I swear I saw smoke rising.
The air instrumentation phenomenon continues to puzzle and amaze me. I have concluded that there is nothing, NOTHING better in this world than air instrumentation and the people brave enough to partake in the pleasure. Personally, I am partial to the air drums. I have friends who would agree with me on this matter, so don’t try arguing. And don’t roll your eyes. It’s cool and I say so.
Katie, I hope you enjoyed this one. It was all for you, girl. All for you.
Thanks, Morrigan!
I will be struck down by a meteor!
How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test
George Bush
Circle I Limbo
General asshats
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
Scientologists
Circle IV Rolling Weights
The Pope
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Qusay Hussein
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Saddam Hussein
Circle VII Burning Sands
Osama bin Laden
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
Uday Hussein
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
I'm such an ass. Yesterday I had this great idea for a diary entry, inspired by my girl Sandy.
Usually I write my entries in a Word Perfect document first so I can revise and edit them 53 times before putting them up. And even then, I know they're not perfect.
But I was so excited about writing this entry, I just dove right into the d'land entry box and banged the keys. I filled in the title and html box, and INSTEAD OF HITTING ENTER, MY FINGER HIT BACKSPACE. I lost the whole f'n thing.
It was one of the best things I've ever written and I'll never be able to get it back in its original, inspired form. I'll rewrite it one day, but not today.
So I hightailed it over to Quizilla, took a bunch of very important psychological quizzes, and helped Tony celebrate National Slacker Day.
That was more fun.
Yeah, I take them. So what?
You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.
If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're asshole.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Love.
You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.
What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Silly Flirt
What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!
What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
roleplay
What's YOUR sexual fetish?
brought to you by Quizilla
histrionic
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Shirley Manson, you saucy girl.
What sexy girl are you
brought to you by Quizilla
Funny Asian Man
What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla
I am an overly happy A.D.D kitten
Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Romans.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Slytherin - The Sorting Hat chose you to be in
Slytherin because you are ambitious. You seek
out power where it can be found. You are
cunning as well as sly, and you know how to get
what you want. These are the qualities that
Slytherin himself was prided upon!
The Sorting Hat!
brought to you by Quizilla
What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla
Kyle Broflovski. You'd most likely enjoy an
evening of stimulating conversation and good
times. It'd be a good relationship due to the
fact that you're both sensitive and sweet.
He'll be pretty open to your needs and you'll
of course be open to his. :o)
::Which South Park kid would YOU date??::
brought to you by Quizilla
YOU'RE A TOTAL CLAYNIAC! You probably called the
whole 2 and 3 hours that the phone lines were
open, cried when he didn't win, and bought
front row tickets to the concert!
Congratulations! ::Clay hip shake::
Do you know your Clay Aiken?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Are Common Clay.....Your Just Like Everyother
Star except your really sexy and sweet but
other than that your just well....common
Which Clay Aiken Are You Part 2
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Clay Aiken! Man, where does that voice come
from? *thud* You definitely have the talent,
but the looks? hmm...not so sure there. That's
the area you need to improve on.
What American Idol 2 Finalist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a Dubliner.
What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla
What day are you?
Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.
Lion King!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Feminine
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
Gay Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're an ANNOYING AIM-ER! Shut up already!
What kind of AIM-er are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Ur more suttle in ur hair style. U might like to be
curly or have hair with volume.
Witch Hair style would you have.
brought to you by Quizilla
Spoons position-
You like equality in your relationship. You also
like intimacy.
What Sexual Position are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Harvard
You're the best -- you know it, as does everyone
else (except for US News and World Report every
few years). You might not be hip, you might not
be pretty, but you're smart as a whip and you
never need to do another impressive thing in
your life.
Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're an exclamation point!
What Puncuation Mark are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."
What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a true nature girl!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
LOVE is your chinese symbol!
What Chinese Symbol Are You? -- Updated (7/21/03)
brought to you by Quizilla
You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
Pink:
You see the world in bright pink. The world is a
happy, happy place! You love all people and
things!! Life is great! You're just like a
happy child. Spread the cheer.
Made by
Sara
What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Guy Is Ron Weasley
!!!!! ANOTHER HARRY POTTER QUIZ, (WITH PICTURES) !!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla
Let It Be
!!!!!!!!!!!!!which BEATLES song are you?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla
YOU ARE SQUIDWARD THE SQUID!
!!!WHAT SPONGEBOB CHARACTER ARE YOU!!!
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a very good sex partner. You go thtough the
feelings and make sure that your partner's
there with you. You like the emotions as well
as the physical so you probally don't get many
complaint's. If if wasn't a virgin i would I
would love to do it with ya.
"Are You A Good Sex Partner?"
brought to you by Quizilla
You should have sex with BUGS BUNNY!
A
classic cartoon character, Bugs could please
you with his wit and suave personality he seems
to take on when dealing with females he's
interested in.
Who better to have sex with
than a rabbit? (as the rabbit vibrator will
testify)
Only way it would be better was if
he was a jackrabbit.
(completed ) Which cartoon character should you have sex with?
brought to you by Quizilla
You enjoy more of a physical relationship! You like
holding hands, hugging, kissing, making out,
and you think that people that don't like those
things don't know what they're missing! The
more touchy-feely things can get, the better!
**~~**What Kind of Sexy Are You?**~~**
brought to you by Quizilla
Honesty
Which Virtue Do You Represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
Melody
You are loud and proud! You don't care if a few
people don't like you, it's all about being
yourself. You know no one makes it in the world
unless they take care of themselves and you do
just that. Some people find you stubborn or
obnoxious. You'll argue even if you know you're
wrong.
What kind of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Cool! Yer Friendship! you are really tite with your
friends and would do anything for them,
including fighting a bear.
What tenacious d song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Jack Black!
Which Tenacious D Member Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your kinda school dorks. The computer Geeks, that
always dreams of that one person who you die to
go out with.... Well your computer skills helps
you with this Issue, you know what kinda girl
you want!!
What 80s movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sixteen Candles
What 80s Movie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Breakfast Club- huh, so you actually went to
detention. This says that you are fun yet
unrealistic
Which cheesy 80s movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Michael Jackson
Ok Im sorry but you are michael jackson. You had
great hits like Billie Jean and Beat it, you
also had around 87 nose jobs and you fell into
a pool of chlorine and now your white. Be
careful what you hold over a balcony!
Which 80s Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Duran Duran! You seriously rock. You came
out in 1981 with "Planet Earth",
defined the music video with "Rio"
and "Hungry Like the Wolf", survived
a messy split and came out with
"Notorious", came back in the 90s
with "The Wedding Album", and now,
after 18 years, you're all back together! Not
to mention you all looked extremely hot while
writing all your best music. You are, in my
opinion, the best band ever! Keep up the good
work!
Which 80s Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wow, you're gay. You're George Michael. Too bad
nobody wants your sex, you washed up has-been.
Where ARE you now?
What stupid 80s musician are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Idol
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.
Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Classic 1980's John Hughes Movie Would You Star In?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which John Hughes Brat Packer Are You?
You are Watts, played by Mary Stuart Masterson.
Although you have a tough exterior, you are sensitive and loving. Sadly, you keep your feelings bottled up and almost lose the guy. You are a great kisser. You like diamonds, and will gladly help shop for them, knowing they might be yours if you just make the right moves. Oh-so-much cuter than Molly Ringworm, you should have been the star of all John Hughes movies. Possible careers: replacing that one-armed drummer in Def Leppard, chaffeur, or fried green tomato maker.
I am Watts! Which Brat Packer Are You?
You are Andie Walsh (from Pretty In Pink)!
Misunderstood and full of angst, you are
intelligent, talented and will probably go on
to do great things...once you're out of the
hell of high school.
Which John Hughes Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're most like "Sixteen Candles"!
You're life is a mess! You feel like you have
no control over anything! But it looks like you
might just get what you want on down the
line....
Which John Hughes film are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
It's the time of your life that may last a
lifetime.
What John Hughes movie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3
What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Lame. Lame, lame, lame.
That's what my phone/DSL company is. Lame.
About a month ago, I signed up for DSL service. Since then, I have gotten to be good friends with Vadi and Matt and the other nice folks in the Customer Service and Repair department.
Now when I call, they say, "Hey, Danielle, how's it going? Pull any socks out of your dog's ass lately?"
The problem was that the DSL service would intermittently crap out. When I say intermittently I mean every three to five f'n seconds.
The ready light would start to blink, winking at me, as if to say, "Who's in control, now, beeyotch?"
I would troubleshoot the computer and the networking systems with the phone tucked between my neck and left ear, waiting for Vadi to pick up. Of course by the time Vadi got to me, the DSL was back on, smirking and laughing at me with its solid green light. Other times, I would get to the first voice prompt and the DSL would be all, "Oh, hey, here I am, working again, so you can hang up now."
I hate that damn DSL box. It�s Satan in disguise.
After a month of this bullshit, I called Vadi up and told him enough was enough. I am forking over good money to them every month for a service, and the only service I seem to be receiving is severe aggravation. I don't think they should be getting thirty bucks a month for that.
Vadi agreed with me in his best salesperson-reading-page-45-of-the-What-To-Say-To-Bitching-Customers-Manual tone, and said he would be very unhappy if he were in my shoes. I told him to cut the Anthony Robbins crap and fix my f�n connection. Vadi laughed.
If you think you�re surrounded by asshats daily, come to my house and walk a day in my shoes. I am the asshat magnet. Here�s how a DSL connection gets fixed in Asshatsville.
First, Vadi set up the trouble call. On Monday, DSL Repairman came to my house and spent approximately two hours fixing my service. He installed a gray box on the side of the house, which contains the telephone line, DSL line and filters. He went into the basement and ran all new wire from the source to the jacks, which was a good thing since the wires hadn�t been replaced since God was a child and they were corroded. He tested all the connections and in two shakes, I was connected again. Yay DSL Repairman.
He left. I was in the middle of looking up things for work and chatting with Melissa, when DAMMIT ALL TO HELL, the connection crapped out AGAIN. DSL Repairman had barely pulled his van out of the driveway and the nightmare was starting over. I do believe I shouted profanities at this point.
I got on the horn with Vadi PRONTO. Vadi was all, �Wha happened?� He went back into the Bitching Customer Manual and tried to appease me with Pretend Troubleshooting and Pretend Network Connection Checks. I told him not to bullshit me, we had been through too much together and I deserved the truth. He told me someone would be over on WEDNESDAY to fix it.
After all that Vadi and I shared, I must admit I was disappointed in his inability to get me an earlier appointment. I couldn�t tell him that because I LEANED MY EAR AGAINST THE TALK BUTTON ON THE PHONE AND DISCONNECTED THE CALL. Bitchus interruptus.
I decided to take matters into my own hands. I hooked up the f�n Atari, how hard could DSL be? I went to the phone jacks and began moving wires around. Guess what? It worked. I�m a genius.
Except for one thing. I didn�t call Vadi back and tell him to cancel the trouble call for Wednesday.
This is my punishment for gloating about my genius.
Wednesday morning, after I left for work, DSL Repairman apparently came to my home and fiddled with the wires again. I know this because he was seen at my house, and when I got home, none of the f�n phones worked. The DSL connection was perfect, but no phone, which actually, turned out to be a good thing.
This time, I bypassed the DSL people and called the phone company directly. They promised to send someone between the hours of noon and 6. They kept the promise and Phone Repairlady arrived mid-afternoon. This would be the first of three visits, proving once again, that I am the asshat magnet.
Visit #1: Phone Repairlady looked at the gray box on the side of the house and determined she didn�t know what the hell it was or how it worked. She had to call DSL Repairman to come back and mess around.
Visit #2: Phone Repairlady knocked on the door (sending dogs into a frenzy) to tell me...
wait for it...
...
...
...
...
I DO NOT HAVE DSL SERVICE THROUGH THEIR COMPANY AND NO ONE HAD BEEN TO MY HOUSE ON MONDAY TO REPAIR THE SERVICE I APPARENTLY DO NOT HAVE.
Now. This woman is clearly just following orders and repeating what her asshat colleague read from the Lie To Customers Manual, but I could not control myself any longer.
I said, �Oh really? Then I guess the gray box on the side of the house appeared by MAGIC on Monday, and I guess the DSL connection I am using as we speak is PRETEND.� I bit my tongue and let the Harry Potter references swimming through my brain slide. But, damn, I really wanted to call her boss Lord Voldemort.
She kept asking me if I was certain about this, and I just sighed and rolled my eyes.
Phone Repairlady went away.
Visit #3: Phone Repairlady returned and I greeted her cheerfully by skipping down the front steps and onto the lawn. I was so glad to see her!
Phone Repairlady messed with the gray box on the side of the house. No dial tone.
Phone Repairlady messed with the wires in the basement. No dial tone.
Phone Repairlady messed with the jack behind the chair next to the fireplace. DIAL TONE!
Phone Repairlady had to make three trips and 76 phone calls to figure out something that was fixed in less than a minute.
Telephone and DSL service is now operating successfully. Phone Repairlady called me today to make sure everything was still A-OK.
Vadi, you�re dead to me. I�m all about Phone Repairlady now.
I've become addicted to googling.
I google for news, pictures and gossip.
However, I have discovered something better than googling.
BEING GOOGLED.
I check my stats daily to see how people find my site. I'm nosy that way. Also I like to know that people don't just find me because I whore my site out shamelessly.
Thus, the thrill of the google.
Clay Aiken With A Twist has been clicked from the following searches...
Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken wink
Clay Aiken's hair
Clay Aiken's town
Clay Aiken's bodyguard
Clay Aiken before and after
Clay Aiken family
Bubel Aiken Foundation
Clay Aiken websites
Clay Aiken Invisible
Clay Aiken Invisible mp3 download
Clay Aiken download Invisible
Download Invisible by Clay Aiken
Jim Brickman Clay Aiken
Jim Brickman Aiken
Clay Aiken People
Clay Aiken's clothes
Clayoftheday
Write Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken autograph
Oprah with Clay Aiken
Everything Clay Aiken
When is Clay Aiken's Birthday
The Book of Clay Aiken's Life
Clay Aiken is sexy(DUH!)
I thought I was happy when I was googled for this...
Fo Shizzle Ma Nizzle translation
But no. Nothing could compare to the glee I felt today when I was googled for this.
CLAY AIKEN CROTCH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, as if being googled for that wasn't great enough, I was the #2 result, preceded only by my sister site, Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken.
This, to me, is the equivalent of winning an Oscar.
I love this picture.
And this picture.
And lots of others, but I only get so much space to upload here on Diaryland.
Yesterday I watched The Clay DVD. After careful consideration and thought, I have concluded that I love Early Clay.
Don�t get me wrong. I love spiky-haired, flatironed Clay. I love hip-thrusting, jersey grabbing Clay. I love the black suit with the purple tie. (I ADORE the silver tie, but I won�t be choosy.) And I love the confidence that comes from a little time and experience. Make no mistake, I am not complaining about Clay�s image.
There�s just no comparison to Atlanta Clay.
When he walked his thirteen-and-a-halves in front of the judges, I was transfixed. The skinny white boy from Raleigh caught my eye. The voice. The glasses. And OH MY GOD the RED HAIR.
When Clay sang Open Arms,
the eighties girl in me was delighted. Overjoyed. I had listened to that song about a million times as a teenager, and still I said, �Move over, Steve Perry.�
My love for Early Clay was confirmed yesterday at approximately 12:46 pm when I watched the Wild Card performance.
Obsession refreshed. The WRIST FLICKS, people. THE WRIST FLICKS.
Gripping the microphone, Clay exudes confidence with each performance, yet standing in front of the judges, he awaits their criticism with humility and a bite of the lip.
I bet he fought to keep his ankles from going all bendy.
So now you know the kind of man I like.
I like a man who is self assured without being arrogant.
I like a man who is attractive, not because he is empirically handsome enough to be seen on the cover of GQ, but because his spirit and soul make him beautiful.
I like a man who is self aware and does what he wants and expresses his feelings despite the reactions of others.
I like a man who can laugh at himself and have fun doing it.
A man like this.
I was up at the crack of ass today. Writing this entry was the first thing on my mind.
Actually, no, it was the third.
My first thought was none of yo' damn business.
The second thought I had was, "I wonder why my cat likes to lick plastic bags?"
Then the entry. Here goes.
I am outing myself.
My name isn't Marie.
A little background...
When I was a child, I was a pop culture junkie. I know that's hard to believe, but go with me on this one.
Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, The Electric Company and Zoom were my absolute favorite shows. Hey, at least I was watching PBS.
Don't even get me started on the Sid and Marty Krofft shows. Does anyone remember "Kaptain Kool and the Kongs?" Or am I the only one? I even had a puzzle of their picture. One of the dudes on that show went on to play Barbara's husband on "One Day at a Time." Lobsterchick has extolled the virtues of this show in her blog as well as the evil incarnate that IS Linda Lavin, in case anyone's interested.
However, for this pop culture addict, nothing, NOTHING could match one television show. The one and only.
The Donny and Marie Show.
Heroin. Pure heroin.
The show aired for the first time in 1976. I was six years old and instantly hooked. I sat in front of the television with a microphone, and recorded each episode on cassette tape. To this day, I can still see the opening ice skating segments, hear Donny saying, "Cute Marie, real cute!" and I STILL hum the closing theme song. Oh, who am I kidding, I belt out the words.
I have been known to duet "I'm A Little Bit Country, I'm A Little Bit Rock and Roll"...with myself.
I'm like an f'n one man band.
Peeps, I had the lunchbox, the dolls and the purple socks. Oh my gosh, I just remembered that my friend Kate had these excellent purple socks with pictures of ALL the Osmonds on the side, totem style. I was insanely jealous.
My family took me to see the Osmonds at a theater in the round. I sat on the aisle and touched both Donny and Marie's hands when they ran by in their platform shoes. Sheer bliss.
My aunt and uncle took a trip to the Summer Olympics in Montreal in 1976. Upon their return, they propped a Donny and Marie record album on my dresser next to my bed so I would see it and be excited when I woke up. You know your aunt and uncle are cool when the souvenir they bring you from the f'n Summer Olympics is a Donny and Marie album.
Last year, I went to see Donny Osmond in concert. If you can call it a concert. I call it Screaming Middle Aged Women With Some Singing Thrown In Occassionally. It was hilarious. Women were running up to the stage with flowers and albums and pictures. One woman propped the Donny Doll on the stage in a sitting position. The screams were deafening. Of course I joined right in! Duh.
So here I am, six years old, completely in love with Donny and in awe of Marie.
Stop laughing.
When I was born, my parents did not give me a middle name. Lots of people in our family are sans middle names. Which is fine, unless you are the only child in your class without a middle name. Oh, the torture! Back in the day, kids didn't worry about who had the newest and best technology. We worried about things like middle names and who was going to make friends with Cher's daughter Chastity on the playground. That's another story...
Poor me. Lacking a middle name sucked.
For my birthday (my seventh, I think) my mom and the aforementioned cool uncle went to City Hall and had my name legally changed. They added "Marie" to my name, in honor of Marie Osmond.
Stop laughing.
This is the truth. At the age of seven, my identity changed forever. My middle name remains the best gift I have ever received.
Hi, I'm Danielle.
When I was younger, my mother took my brother and I to a playground for the afternoon.
We brought our lunch, a blanket and some sand pails and shovels. The playground was right near the zoo, and if you listened closely, you could hear the lions roaring.
After arriving, we spread the blanket on the ground and unpacked our lunches. My brother and I were too busy swinging and climbing and running to be interested in food. We skipped back periodically for a bite of sandwich or a sip of water.
Maybe a half-hour later, I had to use the restroom. My mom wasn't about to let me go alone, so she insisted that my brother stop what he was doing and join us for a potty break. We left the blanket and lunch on the ground and headed to the public facilities.
I was not prepared for what would happen when we returned to the playground.
There was only one other child on the playground that day. A boy. He was probably my age at the time, maybe nine or ten. Mostly he hung around the swings, watching us out of the corner of his eye. I thought nothing of it.
As we ran back to our blanket from the restrooms, we looked down and noticed that most of the food was gone. Along with the boy.
He took our half-eaten lunches and disappeared.
I was struck by this realization with such sadness, I couldn't play any more. I realized that all the while he watched us, he wasn't seeking companionship or a new playmate. He was hungry. He was waiting for an opportune moment so he could quickly snatch whatever he could carry and run away. I wondered if he ran toward the zoo.
I remember his face to this day.
I found this comment today while googling for Clay Aiken news...
"Mark Kemp seems clueless about Clay Aiken and his remarkable impact on the music world and on our young people. Does Kemp think you're not cool unless you're grabbing your crotch and singing about crime, sex and cursing your parents?"
As much as I love Kind and Wholesome Clay, there is part of me that wants to see him grab his crotch and sing about sex. He started it with all that ding dang jersey clutching, anyway. Blame him for my filthy thoughts.
I know I just ranted about this yesterday, but I have to be honest. This is the Clay I'm dying to see. Rock Star Clay All Pimped Out. Fo shizzle.
In my world, this is how the Original American Idol Interview would have gone...
(translation courtesy of Tha Shizzolator)
Do you have a job?
CAP MR/DD worker n' shit. I work wit a 13-year old young mutha wit autism n' shit.
Do you have any formal singing training?
Occasional coaching fo' auditions.
Where have you performed before?
School functions in high school. Host of da North Carolina Music Connection n' shit.
When did you first start to sing?
I've been singing fo' as long as I can remember. My mother would be like I've been singing since 18 months n' shit.
What is your favorite song to sing?
"Unchained Melody" n' shit.
What is the first concert you went to?
I don't really know.
What is the last concert you went to?
James Taylor.
What other talents do you have?
I can turn both of my feet around backwards, know what I'm sayin'?
If you don't make it on AMERICAN IDOL, what will you do?
Prepare fo' graduation 'n a career teaching students wit special need.
What are your goals in life?
Success, happiness, stability. I would love be known as a generous 'n selfless person, know what I'm sayin'?
What album would your friends be surprised you own?
My tastes are pretty eclectic n' shit. I can't think much would surprise 'em."
What is the first CD you ever bought?
Don't know, know what I'm sayin'?
What is in your CD player right now?
"This Is Who I Am" by Jody McBrayer n' shit.
Who is your AMERICAN IDOL?
My mother is da strongest person I know.
What is your favorite type of music?
I love music wit strong melodies where da singer really has sing." I like jazz, some slow R&B 'n pop/country ballads n' shit.
What is your favorite song?
Don't know, know what I'm sayin'?
Favorite male pop artist?
Jon Secada or Peter Cetera n' shit.
Favorite female pop artist?
Country crossovers like Shania Twain 'n Faith Hill n' shit.
Favorite album?
I LOVE James Taylor's "Hourglass, know what I'm sayin'? "
Who in the music world do you think your style is most like?
A little Harry Connick, Jr n' shit. , a little Elton John, a little Jon Secada, know what I'm sayin'?
Most embarrassing moment?
Goodness, I've gotten so used embarrassing myself that I don't really get embarrassed that often."
If you ass couldn't sing, which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I could draw like my cuz Meredith, know what I'm sayin'? Even her handwriting is art!
What has been your proudest moment in life so far?
I'm pretty dang proud of being in da final 32 of AMERICAN IDOL, know what I'm sayin'?
What is your definition of an AMERICAN IDOL?
Someone wit a talent that leaves a mark on American society 'n inspires muthas think, feel, love, act, know what I'm sayin'?
Why do you want to be an AMERICAN IDOL?
American celebrities has an amazing amount of influence on da way America thinks, feels 'n acts n' shit. I think that such influences should be used in da most positive way possible, know what I'm sayin'?
Do you think the audition process was fair?
Tough, but fair. I probably would has voted a different way a few times, but da judges' jobs wuz hella tough, know what I'm sayin'? VERY n' shit.
Who is your favorite judge and why?
Randy, know what I'm sayin'? Tha dude is probably da best at giving truly constructive criticism."
Who is your least favorite judge and why?
I'm not stupid 'nuff answer this question n' shit.
What advice do you have for other hopefuls?
Believe in yourself 'n practice, practice, practice.
What would people be surprised learn about you?
I don't really hide much, know what I'm sayin'? Not many surprises here."
Who did you ass think was going win last season?
Probably Tamyra, know what I'm sayin'?
If you could be a performer from any era, which would you choose and why?
Big band in da 1940s, know what I'm sayin'? Music really brought muthas together during that era.
Mad props to my girl Kelly for turning me on to Tha Shizzolator.
If you think Tha Shizzolator is some hilarious shiznit, go to these sites my girl Psyclops - translates into Smurf, Skinhead and Redneck, to name a few. or The T'inator - what's funnier than Mr. T? Nothing, that's what.
You know why I love my girl Kelly? Cause she finds me dis shiznit...
Did you know Shakespeare wrote "As Yo' Ass Like It?"
Yeah, neither did I.
I am not a huge music snob.
Wait a minute. Yes I am.
I checked the Billboard charts today, and I am disgusted to say that Clay Aiken's single "This Is The Night" is at position #46.
I happen to like this song. A lot. I remember Randy Jackson's comment that he hated the song and hoped "they" didn't make it his first single. I remember yelling at the television, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about, DAWG! DUDE, that song is amazing!" Randy also said Clay "sang his face off," which is now part of my everyday vernacular, so I'm letting the negative comment slide. This time.
So here's what I don't understand. A literate song like "This is the Night" is DOZENS of places behind these songs on the charts...
Right Thurr
I looked up "thurr" in the dictionary. It doesn't exist. I don't think any songs with words in the title yet unrecognized by Merriam-Webster or Oxford should be allowed in the top 40.
Never Leave You - Uh Ooh, Uh Oooh!
I would like to see the sheet music for this song so I can determine if syncopation or perhaps an extra sixteenth note thrown in is responsible for the extra "o" in the second "Uh Oooh!".
Rock Wit U (Awww Baby)
Look, spell the words correctly, or don't write the song. It's "WITH", not "WIT". "WIT" has a completely different meaning and has no place in this song, that's for certain. And the last time I checked, "U" had two more letters preceding it. Awww, baby.
Are You Happy Now?
No, no I am not. For two reasons. This song is horrible, and Michelle Branch sings it. She dissed Clay, so she's dead to me.
Thoia Thoing
I have no idea what this means, and I don't want to know. The fact that a person who was arrested on child pornography charges is beating CLAY AIKEN - my DOWNY BALL - on the charts NAUSEATES ME.
My Love is Like...Wo
Yeah, that's really deep.
I am taking solace in the knowledge that only one of the songs has a little black triangle next to its name. Platinum status. I wonder which one that might be?
Now you understand why I don't listen to the radio.
I love craft shopping. Except I don�t do crafts. I suck at crafts.
I am too much of a perfectionist to engage in product oriented creative tasks. Give me an easel, a canvas, paints and brushes and I�ll be happy. But if I�m being expected to make something representational, forget it.
Also, I should not be allowed to use sharp tools. Quilting would be a big no-no, because I would be sure to lose several digits attempting to cut fabric into perfect geometric shapes.
And how about this �one-stroke� painting technique? Was this inspired by Scorcese�s continuous movement shot in �Goodfellas�? The one in which you can see the boom during half the fricking take? But I digress...
I am confused by this. It seems to be one step up from paint by numbers. I have watched people work this technique, and really, it takes more than one stroke to make a flower. I don�t do any crafts with deceiving titles. That�s my new rule.
Cake decorating. I tried this. I took a class with my friends. Unfortunately, my frosting was gray and hard. Instead of making the nice shell pattern on the side of my cake or practicing my lattice work, I amused myself by writing swear words on the top of my sweet creation. The instructor refused to give me the certificate of completion.
The last time I practiced any beadwork was when I made friendship pins in fifth grade. We had contests to see who could put the most pins on their Tretorn sneakers. We also made bracelets from fishing tackle and colored beads. Who thought this one up? Hey, you know what would make a really great fashion trend? Dressed up sporting goods!
Stencils? No, thanks. I�m not conforming to SOCIETY�s definition of BEAUTIFUL. Ha! Even crafts can get me all political. Don�t get me started on Wal-Mart, now...
Soap and candle making sounds cool. I like those things. But hey, I�m a Dove soap girl all the way. And it would probably cost me $14.99 to make a candle I could buy at the dollar store. Half price. So I�ll skip these crafts, too.
Needlepoint and cross-stitch. I do love a beautiful needlepoint pillow, but I�d rather someone made one FOR me. I�ve attempted cross stitch, but I always try changing the colors and altering the pattern. I end up with a picture that looks like the graphics from old Atari games.
Wood craft. Nah.
Dolls. I hate dolls. They creep me out. They�re always looking at you with their creepy eyes, figuring ways in their creepy doll heads of coming alive at night and killing you. Sorry, Marie Osmond.
The only dolls I ever loved were the ones my mom made for me with her own hands. I sucked my thumb for years as a child, and I liked to rub soft fabric between my fingers and on my upper lip. I also wore underwear on my head, but that�s another story. My mom thought it might be wise to make me a soft doll to carry around after I approached a stranger in a department store and basically started feeling them up. She cut up my favorite shirts of my dad�s and created Molly. I had two Molly dolls in my life. Molly II came to be after Molly I was worn out from all the feeling. My mom saved them and gave one to me recently. I cried when I saw her again.
There is one form of art I have tried and loved. Pottery. I took a pottery class at the university a few summers ago.
First we had to learn basic slab techniques, which bored the crap out of me. I wanted to get on the wheel.
When we finally learned throwing, I was instantly addicted. It is very satisfying to balance a ball of clay on a spinning disc. If the clay is not balanced properly, the form will be imperfect. Using my hands to create a hollowed form was amazing not because the wet clay felt so good between my fingers, but because I was always surprised at the figure that appeared before my eyes. Every throw would present a new form, a new shape, something unexpected.
I spent every day that summer in jeans that became caked with the remainders of every uncalculated throw. The pottery studio closed and I never pursued my interest in it further.
Today I am checking the yellow pages and finding a pottery studio where I can work uninterrupted. It�s time for something unexpected to take shape.
Okay, time out. TIME. OUT.
I cannot believe what I saw today. I was doing my usual google search for news about my Downy Ball, and I made the colossal mistake of clicking here.
I am not a huge Jim Brickman fan. He has a pretty decent fan base in my town, and I think it�s safe to say if I got free tickets to one of his shows, I would go. But pay to attend, no.
That said, I am IN LOVE with Clay�s version of his song �Love of My Life.� Holy crap on a stick. The first time I listened to that song, I got all tingly and goosebumpy. Excuse me but �take my hand as our shadows dance with moonlight on your skin�? Them�s some good lyrics, yo.
As if the lyrics weren�t enough to reduce me to a puddle of jello (lime, please), Clay sings the song all breathy and low. WHAT IS THAT MAN TRYING TO DO TO ME? Cause me to lose control over 72.5% of my bodily functions, apparently.
I have heard Jim Brickman sing this song. A song he created. I have one thing to say...Jim, I KNOW Clay Aiken, and you are NO Clay Aiken. You wrote a good song, let�s leave it at that.
But hey, I have to give Jim some props here. He�s no fool. He grabbed the udders of the Clay Aiken frenzy and started milking. Look at this part of his website.
I know my retinas are ready to jump the shark due to the inordinate amount of time I spend in front of my 18 inch monitor, but I am pretty sure it says there is a link to a DUET between Jim Brickman and Clay.
THERE IS NO SUCH DUET.
Does Jim Brickman take Clay�s fans for a bunch of fools?
First off, we all own the song and have it memorized. So we don't need your crappy little mp3 download. We beatcha to it. We also know Clay sings it a gajillion times better than Jim and for many of us, this song is the epitome of Future Husband Sexy Clay. Jim's version pales in comparison.
Secondly, I can understand Jimmy B. trying to cash in on our Buttercup�s success. Jim did, after all, write ONE of the DOZENS of songs Clay has turned into instant classics or potential goldmines. �Cause everything Clay sings is perfect. Duh.
But don�t insult our intelligence with false advertising. We are exceptionally loyal, dedicated fans, and if you screw with us, we don�t like it.
Who do you think sent Clay�s single skyrocketing to the top of the charts? And kept it there for a good long time? Hey, why do you think Clay is the #5 search in a top-ranking engine for eleven weeks? Do the math, Jim.
If you mess with us again, you will find yourself in one of Clay Aiken�s songs...
Invisible.
I am obsessed.
No, this isn�t going to be another Clay Aiken entry.
I�m talking about my hair.
My mostly brunette tresses have been through quite a metamorphosis in 33.75 years. These locks have been brushed, combed, cut, permed, highlighted, colored, gelled, moussed, sprayed and scrunched.
And the vanity of it all never ends. Never. Ends. I think a pictorial retrospective will best illustrate the Obsession With My Hair.
It began at an early age.
A very early age.
The original �do� involved a small tight ponytail on top of the head, thus the original term �duck-a-duck� was coined.
Of course, this style sometimes morphed into a strange coiffure that seemed to defy gravity.
When my mane wasn�t impeccably groomed, I could be found sporting the Street Urchin Look that was so stylish in the early seventies.
A brief plummet into the Short and Cowlicky phase
was followed by what I like to call �The Pigtails Years�.
Obviously matching bows were essential to the success of this vogue. Especially when your dad is a 70s porn star and your mom sports a giant fro. The bows draw attention.
Then the hair grew and grew and grew.
I think the real reason I needed glasses was because I couldn�t see through the strands.
The Hair Hell years begin in 1984. You THINK you are new wave, �cause you wear Forenza shaker sweaters and jeans with the ankles safety pinned. So you perm your hair, shave off one side of the fifty dollar perm, and spray Sun-In through your fringe. You think you�re all Duran Duran, but really, you just look like an ASS.
Except for a short spell in college as Elaine from Seinfeld,
my hair has looked like this for the last 15 years.
The only difference is today, I have a flatiron.
How is it I am the freak magnet? If there is an extremist unstable soul within 30 miles, they will find me, leech on to my leg and suck the sanity right out of my head. And if they don't find me, have faith, I'll just stumble upon their asses.
I read a diary entry once that said, "Does Stan Know Our Thoughts?" I was all, "Who the hell is Stan?" And then I realized the lil' fundamentalist tyke meant to write SATAN, but misspelled it. If you're gonna force your beliefs all up in everyone's face, at least use your spellchecker. The image of Lucifer as a stout little guy with a combover and pocket protector is now permanently etched in my brain.
A few years ago, my best friend Amy and I took a road trip to New York City to hang out with friends and do some shopping. We stayed in the village with Rebecca, the same weekend her sister came to visit from California with her friend Renee.
Now pay attention.
Renee. Pronounced ruh-nay, right?
WRONG.
Try rainy.
Oh no.
Oh yes.
Rainy. As in Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get me Down. That's how her name was pronounced. And. And.
Her sister's name was Stormy. It took every ounce of self restraint I could muster not to ask her if she had twin brothers named Partly and Cloudy.
This girl was gorgeous. Tall, blonde, perfect body. The epitome of beauty. We surely hoped to assert our superiority over her and prayed she would be dumber than rocks.
Rainy did NOT disappoint. She came up with the mother of all asshatisms that weekend.
Saturday night we returned to Rebecca's apartment and were turning in for the night. We were discussing the current fashion trends on the street, and Amy and I remarked that we saw quite a bit of 70s and 80s retro blending together. This is when I wet my pants.
Rainy said...
"You know what I think? The next fashion trend to COME BACK into style will be SOMETHING WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE."
Oh no.
Oh yes.
Something we've never seen before is going to come BACK.
My face was buried so deeply into my pillow on that green and white striped sofa bed I nearly passed out. Amy and I were kicking eachother until our legs were bruised.
I said, "Yeah, Rainy, I bet you're right. Did you ever consider writing for Cosmo or something?"
She didn't get it.
Twice. Twice I have cried for this man.
A man I have never met. A man who doesn�t know I exist. Unless you count the Cleveland show, and I DO, DAMMIT.
The first time I shed tears was the night Ruben was named American Idol. Yep. I did. I�m not ashamed to say, salty discharge escaped my ducts.
And now we have LAST NIGHT. Wanna see what I was crying about?
You�re probably thinking, �HUH?�
Last night the American Idols Live Tour Clay Aiken Show hit the stage in Clay�s hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina.
I watched and read a few interviews from the Albany and Richmond concerts. Clay�s excitement was utterly contagious. He was bouncing on the tour bus seat. BOUNCING, I SAY!
Then I saw THIS STORY.
Yesterday I wrote about the Look What Love Has Done Campaign�s fabulous fundraising efforts. BUT OH MY GOD! $42,000! These women rock. Especially the one who said - into the microphone - that she could never get tired of looking at that Rolling Stone cover. She�s my hero.
As if my obsession wasn�t invasive ENOUGH, I found out that the RBC Arena in Raleigh has this nifty little webcam thingy mounted on the ceiling. Every sixty seconds, the picture is updated.
Refresh, refresh, refresh.
This is how I spent my evening. Watching a Big Brother webcam and chatting with Kelly and Melissa online. I had to keep seeking validation that I wasn�t crazy by emailing friends with questions like, �AM I THE ONLY ONE GLUED TO THIS WEBCAM RIGHT NOW? PLEASE SAY NO.� Or, �I FEEL LIKE I AM 16 AGAIN. AND I AM ACTING LIKE IT, TOO.� Actually, I think I was acting much more immaturely, but I�m giving myself the benefit of the doubt.
I took comfort in the fact that there were probably thousands of people all over the country doing the EXACT same thing as I, so I kept refreshing like a mad woman and shouting OH MY GOD! and THE BLUE LIGHT! THE BLUE LIGHT! and I SEE SMOKE! and WHO IS THAT ON THE SCREEN? and INVISIBLE MUST BE ON! When I say shouting, of course I mean hitting the caps lock with the force of the Incredible Hulk.
I paced through the house, hearing the bling bling of the incoming instant messages, wondering what I might be missing. Oh, yes, I know. I might be missing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. BECAUSE THAT�S WHAT YOU CAN SEE ON THAT FRIGGIN� WEBCAM.
But I didn�t care. I was jumping from webcam to chat room to fan sites, checking for any little crumb of information about this highly anticipated event.
That�s when it happened. I went �round the bend.
The wonderful Lisa posted a report that Clay broke down and cried during his well deserved ovation following �This Is the Night�. OKAAAAY, THAT�S IT. I was a puddle of goop. Clay. Cried. Need I say more?
So I am sitting at the computer, having a giant love fest with Kelly and Melissa in the chatroom, crying like a baby because I�m so thrilled for Clay. (The man I have never met. Who doesn�t know I exist. Unless you count the Cleveland show, and I DO, DAMMIT.) I�m picturing him in the town where he spent practically every moment of his life up to ten months ago, standing on stage and being welcomed home by 15,000 human beings, including the people he loves most in this world - family and friends. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion; I can�t imagine what Clay must have been feeling.
My descent into total lunacy was confirmed after I realized I actually SAVED 50 webcam pictures to my computer. I kept refreshing the webcam long after the concert ended because I was fascinated with the striking of the stage. Yeah, that�s a fancy theater term for take all the shit down and load up the trucks. Thankfully Kelly and Melissa were on hand to yell at me, call me filthy names, and send me links to early concert reports. Awwww. I love you guys! Thanks for snapping me back into reality. Reality...yeah, that�s it.
As much as I enjoyed �attending� the virtual concert in Raleigh, connecting with Kelly and Melissa was the real highlight of the evening. I know lots of people who think it�s weird to chat online. Sometimes it is. However, I�m thankful that technology prevents the distance barrier from allowing me to meet wonderful people like Kelly and Melissa.
Hey, I wonder what�s on that webcam RIGHT NOW...
I�m all kinds of happy from my trip to Albany, also known as Round Two of My Life as a Clay Aiken Groupie, so I don�t have much snark in me today.
Then, Linda turned me on to this tidbit of information, and I actually drew in breath! Usually Clay Aiken news causes me to exhale, mostly in a sighing or panting fashion.
$2045.20 for a teddy bear!
Gasp!
In a matter of one hour and sixteen minutes, the �price� of the bear increased by over 700 dollars.
That is some serious generosity, folks. I�m a donating kind of gal, but I surely don�t have the funds to be that giving. Kudos to the high bidder.
The auction was held by the Look What Love Has Done Campaign. Another group of Clay fans who rate high on my cool scale. Check them out.
Funds raised will benefit the Bubel-Aiken Foundation.
A while back, I ranted about people who try to make money for themselves from a celebrity�s notoriety.
Today I�m endorsing the crap out of this kind of ebaying. I hope this group is able to present Clay with a big fat check at the Raleigh concert tonight for their efforts.
The Look What Love Has Done Campaign has an ebay store with links-o-plenty that showcase their good work.
Now let me go find something to complain about before I go completely soft on y�all!
Fran and I say that if we lived in the same city, our lives would be a mirror image of "Will and Grace." He'd be my gay husband and I'd be his straight wife.
It's a good thing he moved to Chicago.
Except I miss him like crazy.
A few weeks ago, Fran came home for a visit and I remembered why I love this man so much. We gabbed and sang and laughed and bitched the entire time we were together. I ate gummy dinosaurs while he got ready for dinner. I poked his rock hard abs and admired his black summer shoes while he told me about his upcoming trip to Spain. I smelled his cologne and hair gel while enjoying his tales of parties and general debauchery.
On the way to the restaurant, I forced him to listen to Clay Aiken CDs. The blasphemous fool hadn't watched one second of American Idol and I needed to give him a crash course in Clay. Of course, he adored the man from the first note to the very last and within minutes we were singing harmony to "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me". Fran gushed over Clay's voice and song selections and I loved him all the more.
Through dinner, we giggled like teenagers, reminisced about the fun we had Back in the Day and ribbed each other with teases laden with sexual innuendo. And of course, we publicly admired each other's fabulous sense of fashion and style.
The thing I love most about Fran is his ability to engage so passionately in every experience. He can be eating a fricking burrito, and you just want to grab it out of his hand and bite it to see what's so damn delectable about it.
Fran makes whomever he talks to feel like the only person in the room. His huge blue eyes are completely mesmerizing and when you talk, he really listens. No, he HEARS you. He's incredibly smart and intuitive. And no one talks smut like my man Fran. I think I may have peed my pants just a little talking trash with him.
I've never gotten mad at him. NEVER. Not even a little bit annoyed. He exudes openness and love and you can't help but get all warm and fuzzy inside whenever he's around.
Whenever I think of him, I have a little pang of jealousy and regret. The citizens of Chicago better know how lucky they are to have such a fabulous man in their midst. I don't have a gay boyfriend where I live and it's KILLING ME. Every girl NEEDS a gay boyfriend. It's just unnatural (for me) not to have one. All my friends have kids and serious careers and normal lives. I want someone who will be 16 again with me.
So here's my personal ad.
MF seeks GM for good times. Must enjoy theater, fine dining, shopping, smutty conversation and singing show tunes. Familiarity with American Idol a plus.
Fran can't be replaced, but I sure would like a good substitute.
I�ve heard of serendipity, but it�s never actually happened to me. Until yesterday.
Driving around downtown Albany, I was surprised at how hilly the city was. I had been there once before in college, so my recollection of its topography was rather bleak.
The Pepsi Arena is situated on a hill, takes up a couple of city blocks and has multiple entrances. We drove around the arena a few times trying to decide which parking ramp would be privileged to receive my automobile.
The requisite tour buses for crew were parked on the side of the arena, and we could observe the unloading of the most vile tasting Pop-Tarts that people only eat because they�re FREE.
We turned right and headed toward our destination - the parking ramp. There were about 10 to 15 people standing at the side of the road, at the edge of a �bluff� that overlooked the rear loading dock to the arena.
Now, we had passed these people before on our quest for car shelter. They looked engaged in their own conversations and smitten with the uncertain conditions of the skies above. BUT NOT THIS TIME. This time they were standing, at attention, holding up signs with cameras at the ready.
This is when we almost crashed.
With screeching brakes, I turned the wheel of my car to the right. We nearly missed the guard rail protecting us from certain death by mere inches. I threw the car in park and jumped out as fast as I could, leaving the car running, keys in the ignition and yelling to Amy, �DON�T SHUT YOUR DOOR! IF YOU SHUT YOUR DOOR, WE�RE SCREWED!� I�ve locked my keys in a running car before and it�s embarrassing.
I got to the edge of the hill just in time to see a coppery head, khaki shorts and a blue polo shirt emerge from the black and gold bus directly in my line of vision. Hustling alongside this image of perfection was a GIANT bodyguard who looked really perturbed. Clay gave a kind wave and smile to the fans on the hill and was quickly ushered inside. Awwww! He was, like, so cute, even from, like, totally far away! OMG!
We didn�t have anyplace else to be, so we decided to hang around in the sweltering heat breathing bus fumes to catch a glimpse of more Idols.
Carmen came out next, eating an apple and looking too important to wave. She finally graced the screaming crowd (not me, of course) with a slight gesture. Oh, gee, thanks.
I don�t remember the order in which the rest came out, but Rickey, Kim Caldwell, Julia and Kim Locke each stopped to wave in all directions. I love when they are sweet to the fans. Some of these people had been waiting here for quite some time; throwing a bone just doesn�t cut it. These four Idols delivered the goods. Smiles, waves, kisses blown. Yay!
Carmen must have forgotten something on the bus, because she came strolling out again. This time she deigned to wave with her arm up in the actual AIR. Hey, don�t do us any favors, kid.
Now Jerome was standing outside the back door to the arena looking ALL KINDS of ticked off. I�m not sure why Big J was so aggravated, but Charles Grigsby didn�t improve his mood by coming right over to the ramp leading up to our lookout and chatting on his cell phone. He waved and threw kisses and said he wished he could come up to say hi, but he wasn�t allowed. Instead, he invited two hot young girls to come down and give him a hug, followed by promises that he would try to get them a backstage pass.
Jerome was none too pleased with this. I don�t know what kind of a riot he thought the ten of us up on this cliff were going to start, but I guess it�s his job to be overly cautious and protective. Any man whose main task in life is protecting my Downy Ball from harm is okay in my book.
Charles wandered all around the parking area, gabbing away on that phone and obviously enjoying the attention of the crowd. Another small group had gathered on the walkway platform across from us, and I started feeling like people at a zoo watching two giraffes get it on. Obviously the show was over, so we left.
We had dinner and stopped back at the car so I could apply my lipstick. By this time the line was forming outside the arena.
NOTE TO SELF: Abandon red leather jacket when temperatures reach above 80 degrees. The Grease Clay look is not worth extreme loss of fluids in the body.
Waiting in line to enter the arena, we met two lovely young people behind us. They were a brother/sister team who made adorable signs about the Idols. They were sitting in the nosebleeds, but they still went to the trouble to create something to hold. When we got to the door, security announced that NO SIGNS would be permitted at the concert. They made up some big lie that it was Tour Policy, which we all know is complete and total B.S. My heart sank for these two kids as they dumped their collaborative efforts in the garbage can outside the door. I wished the two extra tickets I had just given away were still in my purse. Damn my impulsivity! My guilt worsened when we realized that signs were apparently prohibited from certain entrances. There were loads of people carrying billboards. Boo on you, Pepsi Arena. You really disappointed some nice kids. Get it together with your security. It's called a STAFF MEETING. Try having one before your next concert.
I was getting nervous that the arena wasn�t filling up as concert time approached. The concert began at 7:00 pm, instead of the usual 7:30. By the time the Idols hit the stage, almost every seat was occupied. And the crowd was great. The people of the capital of New York represented the Empire State well.
We are talking some RABID fans, though.
Once again, Clay fans dominated. In the endless line to exit the parking ramp after the show, we blasted Clay songs in the car with all the windows open. 8 out of 10 people walking by sang along and woo hooed. The folks in the car next to me were shouting requests. My friend and I got out of the car to dance and repeatedly run to the gate where we could see the Idols getting on the tour buses to leave. During the concert, the two guys behind me thought it was quite ridiculous that I knew most of the words to �Invisible�. I saw them laughing at me, so I turned around and sang right to them. They pretended to be amused. I was HIGHLY amused with myself.
The woman sitting in front of me had been to FOUR concerts in Pennsylvania and New York. She dragged her husband along to each one!
During the concert, we noticed a girl near the front who had a sign saying, �Clay - I drove 300 miles by myself to see you again.� My friend saw Clay read it and she thought he said, �I don�t really know what to say to that...Congratulations?� I hope she wasn�t crushed.
My favorite fans were the Julia fans. Big dyed hair, piles of makeup and the longest nails on the face of the universe. They were also some of the warmest and most enthusiastic fans at the concert. The daughter of one lady was absolutely darling. She was immaculately groomed and impeccably dressed. She sang along to Julia�s songs while her mom stood at her side, beaming. There was love in this family. See, you can�t judge a book by its cover, even when the cover is a sprayed on orange tan.
There was MINIMAL sign reading and banter going on because it was HOTTER THAN HADES in that arena. The place was a veritable bath house. People were sweaty and sticky and the Idols were positively dripping. Except Clay. He was just MOIST. I was hoping to see just a little trickle of liquid down his freckled temple, but nope. Instead, the man just GLISTENS.
Ruben joked around that he thought he was in Texas, certainly not NEW YORK with this kind of heat. I have to admit, the dude is funny. He is extremely charismatic with a dry sense of humor. Someone threw a Cinnamon Toast Crunch breakfast bar on the stage, and Ruben went into a bit about how a person can�t go from eating two big bowls of cereal for breakfast every morning and suddenly switch to these bar things and expect to be full. That is funny. It just is.
Ruben's a tease. After thanking the crowd for supporting his video on TRL, he asked the audience if we had seen Clay's video. People were screaming and yelling and waving. With great comic timing, Ruben pointed out that Clay's video hadn't been released yet, but he found it humorous that people in every city scream that they've seen it. Of course, you could see all the Clay fans at that point turning to eachother to yell about the MTV and E! News promos. We're such know-it-alls.
When he goofs with Clay, I find them hysterical. Two grown men who find it amusing to put red panties on their heads in front of 15,000 people are MY kind of grown men.
So, the Idols. I fricking love these people. My friend and I were talking over dinner about why they inspire this kind of hysterical fandom. I think it�s because the audience watched them evolve from regular people to superstars in a matter of months. Fans learned about who they are as human beings. It�s not like going to see a movie and walking out thinking, �That actor is so handsome,� or, �That actress is really talented.� People feel like they KNOW the Idols, and had some had in the development of their celebrity status. To an extent, that is true, but I think there are lots of people out there who don�t know where to draw the line between fantasy and reality. Enough psychobabble.
The American Idols Yearbook (followed by commentary from Marie)
Charles Grigsby
Known for paying attention to the audience
Most Likely to sleep with a fan
I think he�s darling. His voice is smooth and he�s got great stage presence.
Julia DeMato
Known for greatest improvement in voice and style
Most Likely to marry a record executive
I�m so impressed with Julia. She�s gorgeous. I found her to be surprisingly humble and genuine with the audience.
Rickey Smith
Known for his energy
Most Likely to be a successful backup singer
Rickey loves to interact with the fans. I love when he shakes hands and mouths, �No, I love YOU!� to the audience. Plus the man has legs the size of tree trunks.
Kimberly Caldwell
Known for her high heels and interesting ensembles
Most Likely to perform on a cruise ship or in Vegas
That said, I LOVE HER. I think she rocks. Not only does she parade effortlessly around the stage in 4 inch spikes, she really makes an effort to connect with the audience. She was born to perform and I hope she can make a career of her talents. Last night she wore a D.A.R.E. T-shirt. Go Kimberly!
Carmen Rasmusen
Known for her goat like vocals
Most Likely to go nowhere as a performer
My mom always told me if I can�t say anything nice, don�t say anything at all. But I�m sorry. This kid is annoying. Maybe she is the sweetest girl in person, but the presentation of her public persona is the pits. How�s that for alliteration? And how is it that the audience LOVES her? I just don�t get it. If she gets signed to ANYTHING, I will be sick.
Trenyce
Known for her comeback from near-infamy
Most Likely to be the next Whitney Houston (overused comparison, but that�s all I could think of on 4 hours sleep)
This girl has one set of pipes. She�s gracious and elegant on stage. I�d like to see her make it.
Kimberly Locke
Known for her stellar voice and class
Most Likely to...
I�m not really sure what�s in store for K Lo, but it better be something BIG and LONG TERM. I adore her. She is the consummate professional. She exudes dignity. Her voice leaves me speechless. Young girls need women like this to idolize. Brains, beauty and talent. American Idol, she is.
Ruben Studdard
Known for his 205 jerseys and velvet teddy bear image
Most Likely to be a star
This man is talented. Really, really talented. His vocal ability is so natural it makes him appear nonchalant. On stage, Ruben is engaging and dynamic. I don�t think he is at ALL the oaf people sometimes make him out to be. I hope he enjoys a long and successful career. He deserves it.
CLAY AIKEN
Known for his incredible vocals, sparkling personality, boyish good looks and deep knee bends
Most Likely to be a SUPERSTAR
Magic. Pure magic.
I couldn�t have enjoyed myself more. The atmosphere was sodden with sweat and heat and electricity and love. I�m so fortunate to have been to this concert twice, each time with some of my FAVORITE people in this world.
I have to give mad props to my girl, Amy. She took the day off work to drive with me through torrential downpours so I could see this concert again. She took my camera and videotaped �Invisible� for me so I could dance and scream and make an all around fool of my mid-30s self. And she listened to Clay Aiken CDs all the way home while I sang along at the top of my lungs.
If that�s not a best friend, I don�t know what is.
Today I only have a couple things to say because I am all hyped up again about going to visit Amy and beginning Round Two of My Life As A Clay Aiken Groupie.
I must point out my own hypocrisy so no one else has to bother.
I am the queen of changing my mind. There's nothing wrong with that. Except if you're me.
See, I like to make sweeping statements about my life using absolutes like ALWAYS and NEVER. These words usually turn around and bite me right in the ass.
Like when I told Amy I was NEVER dyeing my hair again. Followed by a huge speech about women who fall victim to society's prescribed notions of beauty and youth. "I am letting my hair go gray when nature decides it's time."
Yeaaaaaah, right.
I couldn't get to the haircolor aisle in Target fast enough the day I found seven gray hairs poking out of my temple.
Then there was the time the Discovery Channel aired the show about e coli. I watched that f'n thing and immediately declared myself a vegetarian. No WAY am I going to let my internal organs get all mushy.
Last night I went to this swanky chop house for dinner. I had the biggest friggin' piece of filet mignon you've ever seen in your life. I'm going to eat the rest for breakfast today.
Last year there was the "I'm moving, I'm staying" drama, and of course, there's the everlasting hypocrisy called I Love To Criticize People Who Watch Lots of Television when we all know my eyeballs are about to fall out from so much channel surfing.
I seem to have this hypocrisy thing down pat. Maybe I should stay Catholic after all.
Thank goodness for google news search or I�d have nothing to say about my Downy Ball every day.
Keep it coming...the good, the bad and the ugly.
So this is the kind of celebrity reporting I don�t mind.
Garden City hotspot shifts into 'Idol'
Forget about any downtown "in" club - it was actually the Rein Bar & Grill, in Garden City, that was the place to be Thursday night.
That's because "American Idol 2" winner Ruben Studdard and runner-up Clay Aiken - joined by "AI" contestants Kim Caldwell, Kimberley Locke, Trenyce, Carmen Rasmusen, Rickey Smith, Charles Grigsby and Julia DeMato - were at Rein after their show at Nassau Coliseum.
The "AI" crew danced and sang for the crowd and stayed until closing time (3 a.m.). They were expected to return to Rein after Friday's show.
First of all, this reporter had the good sense not to put the story out until AFTER Friday�s show. Can you imagine the mobs of people trying to get their grubby paws on Buttercup and the other Idols if they knew about this ahead of time? I�m sure word of mouth spread like wildfire around town about Thursday�s events. But when something appears in PRINT, it takes on a life of its own. I could just see the fans driving 8-12 hours through the night to get to that fine establishment in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Clay in Real Life Action. Me, for instance.
Secondly, this reporter just states the facts, ma�am. They were partying. That�s it. This is the kind of news I like to know. I�m glad to hear these young�uns are out enjoying themselves. Who needs sleep when you�re 24 years old? For some, this is going to be their one and only chance at recognizable stardom and unlimited social opportunity, and they should BLEED THIS EXPERIENCE DRY before we see them in ten years on VH-1's �Where Are They Now? - Reality TV Contestants.� Enjoy it while it lasts, y�all. It�s pretty easy to tell which ones will have lasting power in the music industry. They�ll be opening their own NYC nightclubs before you know it.
�Course, there�s always the extra special one whose career is already skyrocketing at such a rate that he's already started his very own charitable foundation....I�m not naming names �cause I don�t want the other Idols getting jealous or anything. He knows who he is.
That�s all for today. I�m leaving soon to begin Round Two of My Life As A Clay Aiken Groupie, so I won�t be back until Tuesday. I expect I'll be on a Happy High that day, so maybe I'll have something fun to say.
REALITY BITES - In town to perform at the Worcester Centrum Centre, the stars of "American Idol" stayed at Nine Zero and dined at Spire. For a little dude, Clay Aiken has a decent appetite, chowing on the sweet corn chowder with Yukon potatoes, celery root and mahogany clams, and the Grimaud duck breast with chanterelle mushrooms, roasted beets and huckleberries.
Now people are reporting what Clay Aiken is ingesting. This is great. Just great.
Well, I looked in the Constitution of the United States, and unfortunately the word privacy does not appear in the Bill of Rights nor in the remainder of the document.
Apparently this gives people free license to glom on to celebrities and expose every word they utter and move they make.
One of two things had to happen for these asshats to write this report.
1. They had to be close enough to Clay in the restaurant to examine his plate with their disgustingly nosy eyes.
2. They had to bribe someone who works at the restaurant to write down everything Clay ate for dinner and report back to headquarters with the information. Who are they, Lex Luthor?
Ugh. This is all kinds of WRONG, peeps.
Look, if a celebrity is performing or appearing somewhere clearly to promote their career, all bets are off. Fans can yell, scream, applaud and cheer all they want. They can check out the clothes, the hair and the overall appearance. If a fan meets the object of their affection at one of the aforementioned events, they can ask for an autograph or a picture or even a hug. And afterward, they can talk about it all they want. (Can you say First Amendment?) Go ahead, blab the whole story to anyone who will listen. Half the fun of celebrity encounters is the story you get to exaggerate later.
On goofy fan websites, for instance. Not that I know anyone with one of THOSE, mind you.
Celebs give up more than a teeny bit of their anonymity and privacy. It just goes with the territory. They gotta know that going in.
But OH MY GOD this food thing is NOT okay! In my opinion, it crosses the line. Someone should be able to sit down and eat a meal without being ogled and inspected by hungry reporters or their sidekicks. A celebrity�s private life should remain private. SO LEAVE CLAY ALONE!
This type of foolish behavior seems to make Clay uneasy. Here�s a quote from him in Rolling Stone:
�You know what? Please don�t stare at people. You should go sit with those people over there. They like to stare at people, too.�
You tell �em, doll.
I felt compelled to speak my mind on the subject. Or else, what�s next?
BREAKING NEWS - Clay Aiken entered the men�s room at 8:47 pm. He spent approximately 8.6 minutes in the third stall on the left side of the facility. After flushing, Aiken exited the stall and sauntered to the sinks. Three pumps of liquid soap seems to be the preferred amount for the singer, whose rendition of Simon and Garfunkel�s classic �Bridge Over Troubled Water� could be heard as Aiken hummed his way into a thick lather. After rinsing the suds from his hands, Aiken dried them partially under the convenience dryer and finished the job on the legs of his olive green gabardine pants. A quick hair check in the mirror, followed by a wink and a thumbs-up sign rounded out Clay Aiken�s visit to the restroom.
I wouldn�t be surprised.
I don't want to be Catholic any more.
I am not one to start political or religious debates. This isn't because I don't care about issues. It's because I am not informed enough to discuss them intelligently. Plus I don't like it when people don't agree with me, so avoiding these discussions eliminates the possibility that dissent may occur.
But sometimes, things just piss me off. Like THIS, for example.
"The Vatican today condemned gay marriages as "deviant" in a document that instructs clergy and Catholic politicians on how to stop the legislative momentum in favor of gay marriages in North America and Europe."
Okay, I understand they have an obligation to uphold the basic tenets of the Catholic faith and make these kinds of statements.
But, peeps, I JUST DON'T GET IT. My brain is NOT wired to understand how people can think gay marriage or homosexuality is wrong. No quotes from the Bible or evangelical speeches will ever convince me. EVER. So don't jam my box with your thoughts if you disagree with me, because I'll just delete them.
I can think of things a lot more deviant than two guys making out.
LIKE HOW ABOUT PRIESTS WHO MOLEST AND ABUSE LITTLE BOYS? That rates much higher on the deviance scale, in my humble opinion.
I'm not going go off on a big rant. As I said before, I'm too stupid and uninformed to argue the point further.
I just gotta call hypocrisy when I see it.
HEY! ABC!
What the hell was that all about yesterday?
Excuse me, but CLAY AIKEN should pre-empt the President, not the other way around. Homeland security, blah blah blah, conditions in Iraq, blah blah blah, Condoleeza Rice, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Um, CLAY WAS TALKING and I wanted to hear some of that sexy southern drawl. Damn you for taking that from me!
You only redeemed yourself by cutting off Charlie Gibson�s flapping yapper in time for my Downy Ball to show me some Quivering Lip Action while he sang.
AND YO! CLAY�S STYLIST!
Do I need to fill out another job application? Do I have to do everything MYSELF?
Dude, you have GOT to stop putting Clay in these striped shirts!
1989 is OVER. Move ON.
And please, for the LOVE of GOD, BUY THE BOY A NEW OUTFIT.
Why are you making him galavant around the country in the same damn thing every single day? It�s bad enough you make him wear this thing in concert, but good grief, MUST he attend publicity events in this get-up? One more outfit, that�s all I�m asking.
Another thing. Before you buy this new outfit for my Buttercup, GET THAT PHOTOGRAPHER FROM ROLLING STONE AND HIS STAFF TO GO SHOPPING WITH YOU. These people know style. They will help you pick out something worthy to be draped over The Lanky Bod. In the name of all that is good and right in this world, CALL THEM.
If I had your job, Clay would be in a suit and tie 24/7. I can find no good reason why he shouldn�t be wearing Versace at all times except to put him in something sheer and clingy that exposes a yet unseen body part. So unless there�s gonna be pictures of THAT, a suit it shall be.
I refer you to these pictures for guidelines.
NOW PAY ATTENTION, CLAY�S HAIR GUY!
You MUST give his hair a break from that flatiron. You are frying the ends of the copper crown!
What the hell are you thinking?
Look, you are probably making more money in a month than most people in this country make in a YEAR, so use that skill you got and start earning your keep. Think of some ways to make him look good without all that heat on the threads. You got some naturally great tresses to work with, so it shouldn�t be THAT difficult. Save the flatiron look for special occasions, mmkay?
Okay, I�ve got one more bone to pick and then I�m done.
TO CLAY�S PUBLICIST
DO NOT allow
to happen EVER AGAIN, understand?
If you think it�s a good idea to promote video and photo shoots, insist on NO closeups. The pancake makeup should only be viewed AFTER editing has been completed. Until then, pictures and video should be taken from a distance.
I think I have covered all the important points. At this stage of the game, there is NO REASON for Sugarpiehoneybunch to look like anything but the complete and total star that he is.
Toto, I have a feeling that we�re not in Pasadena any more.