I think everyone is aware of my Clay Aiken obsession by now. Am I right?
Ummmm, yeah.
There are two factions of people who read my diary.
1. My friends and fellow diarylanders
2. Die hard Clay Aiken fans
If I have it my way, the twain shall one day meet.
My goal today is to enlighten Faction #1 and amuse Faction #2.
As for the Clay Aiken fans, I am very particular. There are a million fricking Clay Aiken fan sites out there, and I am not going to out myself publicly to just any old group. My site of choice must perfectly blend devotion and good old fashioned snark. Obsessed adults like myself preferred. No rules to speak of. People should be able to monitor their own behavior. So I started searching.
AND OH MY GOD. YOU CANNOT BELIEVE THE CRAP OUT THERE.
Disclaimer: I am not bashing or dissing Clay fan sites. I love them all in their own �special� way. United we stand.
BUT COME ON PEOPLE. SOME OF THIS STUFF IS OVER THE TOP.
Some sites have rules upon rules upon rules about who can post messages, when you can post messages, how long the messages can be, and what the messages can say.
Other sites have caste systems where members are ranked. It�s like a big ass popularity contest. If you�re not one of the cool kids, you get the shaft.
And what�s up with numbering members? Are we fricking cattle or human beings? I have a name, thanks, and it�s not 2,014.
Most sites encourage graphic creativity, which results in these mile long signatures and huge pictures at the end of every message. It takes an hour to scroll down one page.
Don�t even get me started on the smilies.
BUT THERE IS SOMETHING EVIL OUT THERE. SOMETHING THAT IS CREEPING INTO THE MINDS OF CLAY AIKEN�S FANS AND EATING THEIR SOULS.
IT IS CALLED...
KEEPERSHIP
This is a phenomenon I will never understand, no matter how hard I try.
The basic theory of keeperships goes like this...
Clay is great. Everyone loves him, like, SOOOOO much. Just like me, they long to be...close to him.
But stalking is illegal, not to mention uncool.
So here�s an idea! Let�s all make a list of shit Clay says, does, thinks, eats, sings, owns and wears. Then, to avoid a giant cat fight, we will CALL DIBS on this shit. First one to call something gets to be the KEEPER.
Let me give you an example.
I love the way Clay shakes his hips during his performance of �Grease.� So I would have to say, �I would like to be the Keeper of Clay�s Hip Shake in Grease, please.� I would have to be polite and use my big girl manners or my request might be denied and I might even be banned from the website completely. So I CANNOT say, �GIMME THE GREASE HIP SHAKE OR I WILL POKE YOUR F�N EYES OUT WITH A STRAW!� That would be frowned upon.
Now here�s what happens. The Boss of all Keeperships has to see if anyone else has already claimed your request. If so, you�re screwed. Find something else to keep. If not, you have a shot at being approved and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE you will even get ((((HUGS)))).
I am not going to begin to explain the rules of Keepership selection. If you don�t know about it and you really want to, just google �Clay Aiken� and you will find the mother lode. It�s all too complicated to explain.
Here�s my big question. WHY? WHY KEEP? What do you get out of it? Do you feel closer to Downy Ball with a keepership? Does it make you feel superior to keep something of Clay�s (that doesn�t exist in the real world) that NO ONE else can EVER HAVE? I guess I could understand it being fun and all, but when I read pages of Keepership rules on multiple sites and lists of hundreds of people who Keep, I worry just a little. Can someone explain this all to me? Please? OR I WILL POKE YOUR F�N EYES OUT WITH A STRAW! Sorry, sorry, force of snarky habit.
I don�t want to alienate myself completely from other Clay Aiken fans out there, so I have come up with a list of Keeperships that I am pretty sure have not been taken yet. No takebacks. Infinity.
KEEPER OF CLAY'S LAST ORDER AT THE MCDONALD'S DRIVE THRU
KEEPER OF THE TOENAILS CLAY BIT OFF
KEEPER OF CLAY'S EAR WAX
KEEPER OF THE BOOK CLAY READS ON THE TOILET
KEEPER OF CLAY'S BELLYBUTTON FUZZ
KEEPER OF CLAY'S LARGE INTESTINE
KEEPER OF THE LITTLE BIT OF WATER THAT GOT STUCK IN CLAY'S EAR WHEN HE TOOK A SHOWER
KEEPER OF CLAY'S MORNING BREATH
KEEPER OF CLAY'S USED KLEENEX
KEEPER OF THE SPIT THAT FLIES WHEN CLAY SNEEZES
KEEPER OF CLAY'S GLASSES AFTER HE GETS THAT FRICKING LASIX SURGERY
KEEPER OF THE DEODORANT CHUNKS IN CLAY'S ARMPITS
KEEPER OF CLAY'S DRY SKIN PATCHES
KEEPER OF CLAY'S ALLERGY TO EVERYTHING
KEEPER OF CLAY'S PANTY SMELLING FETISH
KEEPER OF THE DUST BUNNIES UNDER CLAY'S BED
KEEPER OF CLAY'S SHAKE AFTER HE PEES
KEEPER OF CLAY'S FOREARM HAIR
KEEPER OF CLAY'S EYE CRUSTIES WHEN HE WAKES UP
KEEPER OF CLAY'S LEFT SHOULDERBLADE
KEEPER OF THE BIGGEST FRECKLE ON CLAY'S BODY, WHEREVER THAT MAY BE
KEEPER OF CLAY'S STOMACH GROWL WHEN HE GETS HUNGRY
KEEPER OF CLAY'S HEEL BLISTERS
KEEPER OF CLAY'S STRETCHY ELBOW SKIN
KEEPER OF CLAY'S LOSS FOR WORDS (FACETIOUS KEEPERSHIP)
KEEPER OF CLAY'S SWEATY PALMS
KEEPER OF CLAY'S EAR HAIR WHEN HE IS AN OLD MAN
KEEPER OF CLAY'S KNOBBY KNEES
KEEPER OF THE LACK OF ANY NOTICEABLE FAT ON CLAY'S BODY
KEEPER OF CLAY'S LEFT PINKY FINGER KNUCKLE
KEEPER OF CLAY'S CAPILLARIES
KEEPER OF THE TOPPINGS CLAY LIKES ON HIS PIZZA
If anyone has a problem with my keeperships, they can be The Keeper of My Middle Finger.
That�s for you, lbfca.