Everybody knows Jerome, Clay�s bodyguard, right?

Good.

It occurred to me yesterday that maybe Jerome isn�t enough protection for my sweet Downy Ball.

Certainly, Jerome is quick with the walkie-talkie, keeps the stalkers at bay and guards the lanky bod against personal injury and mobs, but is he protecting Clay from EVERYTHING? No! What about all the evil that can befall my boy on his whirlwind tour? What�s Jerome doing about THAT, huh?

I�m going to suggest that Clay�s management adds me to the staff in the position of Assistant Bodyguard. For all the times when a big burly man can�t get the job done. Sometimes protecting Sugarpiehoneybunch needs a woman�s touch.

Here�s my list of the top ten bad things that could happen to Clay while on tour and why Assistant Bodyguard Marie is the key to prevention.

All that singing could hurt Clay�s vocal chords. I will be on hand following every performance with a cup of hot tea, just the right temperature, to soothe Clay�s throat. I am not opposed to holding the cup for him.

The loud screaming, coupled with the booming sound system Clay must endure night after night could play havoc on those darling ears. Which are perfect, by the way. I�ve never seen ears that stick out juuuuust the right amount. Prior to each concert, I will fit Clay with removable earplugs, in the color of his choice. I will insert them with my mouth if required.

Signing hundreds of autographs hurts! He�s got enough crooky parts; he doesn�t need his fingers to go all crooky, too. I will provide a relaxing lavender hand massage after every 25 autographs. People can wait for the damn signature.

What if all the bus travel makes Clay sick? Oh no! Since management is obviously too CHEAP to buy Clay his very own private jet, I will be on hand to administer Dramamine if necessary and hold his head if he gets sick. Cold compresses will be applied to the forehead every thirty seconds until nausea has subsided.

If anything happens to the Tropical Green Pools because of camera flashes, I�m gonna have to open up the biggest can of whoop ass. If cameras are not confiscated, I will have to insist that sunglasses be worn at all times. We cannot risk injury to the sparkling emerald jewels.

Caking on the pancake makeup every night cannot be good for the skin. Each night before bedtime, I will cleanse the freckled countenance and moisturize for good measure. Furthermore, the flatiron can take a toll on the copper crown. A hot oil treatment will be applied prior to each shower. I will do the rinsing.

The care and protection of the face and head will culminate in lip care. It is important for the lips to remain soft and moist while singing so cracking and bleeding does not occur. Frequent special Chapstick applications and my secret overnight technique will keep the lips in working order.

Touring is a grueling and exhausting experience.

is unacceptable. I have experience with pillow fluffing and blankie tucking. Lullabies and bedtime stories at no additional charge.

Deep knee bending is my biggest concern. What if Clay tears his cartilage, cruciate ligament or muscles? Or worse, what if he develops Chondromalacia or Osgood-Schlatter�s? He might need arthroscopic surgery! I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. As soon as Clay returns to the hotel and showers, I will begin Project Knee Care. Tiger balm will be rubbed gently into the afflicted areas. Tightly wrapped ace bandages and cool gel packs will seal the deal.

To understand why I am, by far, the best person for the job of Assistant Bodyguard, you should know a bit about CARS. In a car, the clutch has one very important job...

The clutch smoothly engages a spinning engine.

If the engine stops spinning, the car will stall.

Why?

The most common problem with clutches is that the necessary friction material wears out.

Clay�s clutch must NOT be damaged.

He cannot stall.

And the engine must keep spinning.

As for the friction, I assure you this is my area of expertise.

I have references.